Since my last post, I’ve been feeling resigned and, I think, depressed about my art trajectory. I spent a good amount of time developing a new project plan, but it didn’t reach a satisfactory conclusion. Meaning the goal wasn’t feasible, interesting, or physically attainable. At least, not in reality.

It was a mapping project focused on queer and trans youth—a demographic I’m not familiar enough with to champion, nor do I think is entirely authentic to my practice or my intentions. The only way to make it a genuine endeavor would be to make it entirely about myself, and who cares about that? How would that be important to my audience?

But that’s just it. I was looking to make “important” work, on purpose. That, in itself, doesn’t feel authentic enough to embark on. Perhaps it’s a nice thought. My intentions were pure to bring this issue more strongly to light, but it ends up being political. What do I know about political art? Not much. And do I want that?

At the near-beginning of my art practice, I made some social-political paintings. Maybe not so much political, really. They were more like social commentary on world issues. In the 80s, there were pieces reflecting the horrors of Apartheid. I also made some paintings about censorship in America, and did a lot of portraiture of black leaders like MLK Jr. and Nelson Mandela. That appropriation probably wouldn’t fly in these times since I’m white. I was just young and idealistic, wanting the world to feel the way I did about the injustices I cared about most. Injustice, as a subject, still motivates me. But lately it’s been personal injustice, something that’s not important in the big picture. So, I’m pretty doubtful about starting my said project.

Now I need to decide if making it about me and my queer lifetime, as an autobiographical “research” project, resulting in various mappings, would be a strong enough motivation and subject to actually start such a project. I lean toward that answer being a big fat “no.” However…

When I think about my current series of paintings, which are entirely and strongly personal, I’m not so sure people care much about them, or the subject matter, rather. I should not care what other people think, or whether my art is important to them. I should just make work that inspires me. It just doesn’t feel like it’s that simple.

And Hannah pointed out something that got me thinking—that the original project was born out of a reaction to someone I know receiving a huge recognition for their work. Not of jealousy, but a desire to be recognized, too. To be seen. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s probably natural to want that. I just don’t want to make art for the purpose of, or focus on, subjects I think people will consider important. That’s a bit disingenuous.

So, I have a few things to think about before I make new plans. And I should probably wait until I can think clearly and process simple concepts again. It’s not the time right now. I’m just not a patient person when it comes to certain things.