I’m back for another update. Well, not so much an update as it is an excuse to publicly journal. Why do I do this? I’m not sure. Maybe so the 3 or 4 of you know what’s in my head. Because knowing what’s in my head is so very important to you, right?

I really should be on a break since I don’t have anything coming up after my spring show. It would be a good time to turn away from art for a bit. But there was an idea I had many moons ago that is finally about to get attention—a painting idea for a new series. I truly thought I wouldn’t put paint to surface for a while, unless they were abstracts. Well, it is all abstract work, and it won’t take a month of time to finish each of them this time. That makes me even more excited about it. Instant gratification! (Okay, not “instant,” but way less time than the Discarded Snapshots series took.)

These will be abstract ideas, painted in oils on wood shapes. I may have posted this sample before, but this is the basic idea I had for a whole series of garment pattern shapes.

They will all be pretty small—no bigger than 20 inches high or so. Some are even 4 to 9 inches in size, or thereabouts. They will all be colorful, but I want to test myself to see if I can limit my palette, which is something that’s not easy for me to do. It will be a challenge. And hopefully, I can get them all done before I become bored with them, which is a significant problem of mine.

So, my Kickstarter campaign got a little bit of momentum in the first 48 hours and was off to a start. Not nearly as much as I hoped. Since moving out of Los Angeles and changing my name, I’m not the same artist I used to be. The last time I did a Kickstarter was in 2014, and I did great. I made way more than my goal and was able to do my full project. I was just left creating the rewards for so many people; I bit off more than I could chew. This time, it’s been a chore to even get friends to support me. Waa waa.

I haven’t had a real solo show in LA since 2022, and that was the first one under my new name. I worried people wouldn’t know who I was, which was generally what happened. I didn’t do well in terms of sales, but there was still a good crowd. I just don’t think they were there so much for me as Kelly Berg, the artist who showed in the biggest gallery. Her work is very popular.

This time, I have the big space. It’s all on me (it feels) to carry the weight of bringing people in the door. I did get a few nice responses to the VIP package I sent out, so that’s great so far. Fingers crossed that my name becomes familiar to people once again, though I can’t count on that. I still think the show touches on many important current topics regarding queer and transgender identities.

I have to say, when I “came out” in a big, public way in 2021 (I made an official announcement on Instagram), I got a lot of support, but I also lost a large percentage of my mailing list subscribers. When I write about being trans or nonbinary, I get more and more people dropping off. Is that a coincidence or what? Maybe.

One thing: I should quit complaining about how woe-is-me; I’m out of touch with the LA art scene. Was I all that embedded in it to begin with? Probably not. I’ve stayed close to my better artist friends, but I can count them on one hand, and I’ve always been pretty reclusive, much to the annoyance of my friends who liked making gallery rounds every weekend.

I never liked doing that, but it is part of the job to make yourself at least somewhat visible around town. I guess I got to a point where I didn’t care about any of that, and even stopped inviting friends to my own art shows. I started questioning myself, are these the people I really need to show up at my openings? And who is my audience? I figured it was not other artists. But ya know, we can’t survive (or even do the work) in a vacuum. We do need other artists.

Should I probably get out more, despite absolutely hating it? Yes. But one thing I know about myself is that I’m lazy, anxiously shy, and fear crowds. I’m really bad at making small talk, too. I mean, I’m both on the spectrum and disinterested in general at the same time. What’s that called? I’m an introverted snob or something. I don’t mean to be. I know I can come across as “aloof” and even angry, but that’s not exactly what’s going on inside of me. My mind is worrying, going round and round on a loop, frantically listing what is wrong with me and my behavior, and feeling exhausted. It’s better for me to be on a whole Xanax to get through it all.

At least these days, people seem to have more compassion for neurodiverse people. So, that’s good.

I should end this now before I get depressed.

Oh, wait. Yesterday I had a Zoom meeting with everyone who will be on the discussion panel in June, and it went really well. I was nervous, but I don’t think anyone noticed to what degree. I got through it pretty well, and they all like the questions I’ll be asking at the event. So that’s good, right? Now, it would be icing on the cake if the Kickstarter is successful, and I can pay them what they deserve. Fingers still crossed. Time for a nap.