So far this month, my head has been pretty deep into school. Lots of reading, lots of writing. It’s okay, though; his is one of the harder classes I’ll have to do…I think.

Then there will be lots of sociology classes. Those could be hard, but I’m deeply interested, so perhaps not so bad after all. The statistics class is like math, and in fact, I think I get to take that in place of math, but I’m not 100% sure on that.

I have not made any art for many, many months. Funny, I should call myself an artist. Maybe I’m not. I haven’t done anything creative in so long. I miss it, but I don’t miss it. I am honestly enjoying the break.

Today, I got rejected from the Creative Capital grant. I don’t even move on to the next round. I thought I’d at least get that far, but no. I really thought my project proposal was pretty darn good. I was also rejected for a grant from a new organization – the Bobby Anspach Foundation. What else is new? I’m starting to think I’m just not going to get picked for anything: shows, new galleries, grants, residencies, and so on. I haven’t been awarded anything in a very long time, yet I hear about lots of other artists acquiring things here and there. Not to compare (comparison is the thief of joy—or something like that), but I guess I don’t know what the hell I’m doing wrong.

It could be my art. I mean, I do not doubt that. I’m not a great painter. I think I have good ideas, but I wouldn’t say I’m a skilled painter or (soft) sculptor. These days, you have to do something extremely impressive to gain any attention. There are millions of artists now, and most of them are just as ambitious as I thought I was. Even Jack White is an “artist,” and apparently, he’s “talented,” or something. Or maybe not, but he’s the one with a fancy exhibition that people are talking about. I’m not a fan, though. And neither is this guy.

So, today was a therapy meeting I have every other week. It’s specifically for ex-Scientologists. That’s still hard to type, to admit, to think about. I have a new-ish friend who now knows this about me. It’s extremely nerve-racking. I never want anyone to know, even though I published a book about it (mostly about it), but then some of you know that I took it out of distribution because I felt it revealed way too much about my life. Not that you can’t get one. They are still on Amazon, but no new ones are being printed. And I swear, I don’t say that for anyone reading this to go and buy one. It’s a waste of money.

But back to the friend. Every time someone finds out this about me, I’m just fucking embarrassed. I hate the judgments, and I know they’re there because people who haven’t been stuck in a high-control group, like a cult, don’t know the inner workings of how that happens or how hard it is to leave.

I studied all about coercion and cult tactics for the first 10 years I was out of the group. At least it made me feel like I wasn’t a complete idiot because it can truly happen to anyone, especially SMART and idealistic people. But I still hear comments like, “That could never happen to me,” “I’m not that gullible,” or “You were young, so you didn’t know any better.”  

Or…I hear all the questions: “Why are so many celebrities in it?” and “Did you know Tom Cruise?” I’ve also heard that we (Scientologists) were all waiting for a Mother ship to come get us. But I guess that’s okay. Personally, I wasn’t waiting for anything like that, but I’ll be honest: I was a True believer.

So, there you have it—my vent for today. Now I have to return phone calls, which I loathe, and do about 20 school assignments that were only recently posted because the instructor posted them late, yet they’re all still due by June 28!

Oh yeah, it’s the last 10 days of my show at Craig Krull. Who knows when I’ll be doing another show. I have no clue, but maybe I will try to execute my Creative Capital project somehow, without a fast budget, because god knows I won’t ever create a Kickstarter campaign again. What a pain!