So, I turned in my history final yesterday. I guess now I just wait for a grade. It does count for most of the final grade. I hope it’s not horrible. However, he gave me an A on my last assignment. Things are looking up.

If I already didn’t have any time for art, I joined an additional online group. I already help run the Queer Artists Collective on Netvvrk once a month, and am in an artist accountability group with a few Netvvrk members every 3 weeks, as well as a group of ex-cult members led by my previous therapist who specializes in cult recovery, which meets once every other week. Now I have joined a weekly creative writer’s group!

The leader of that group is also an ex-Scientologist whom I know from the bi-monthly group. She is also interested in starting a coalition that could help with resources for people coming out of high-control groups. She asked me if I was interested in helping out, and I am very interested! We’ll see. I may be spreading myself a little thin. I also see a lot of doctors, most of them in the Palm Springs area. Driving down there is a major pain in the ass. Locally, I’m still going to neuro-cognitive rehab for my brains. I will probably get discharged near the end of September.  

But I’m not starting the fall semester until later in August, so I have a few weeks off. I’d like to do some art in that time. I just hope I really do.

I haven’t done much creative writing in some time. I’ve done a few of the prompts from this group, and it’s been a nice warm-up. Maybe one day I’ll get back to my book. When will I have time for that, though? After I get a bachelor’s degree in about four years. Maybe a few minutes here and there during the journey toward it. Who knows?

I’ve also been working with the Department of Rehabilitation. I mean, not yet. I’m still in the evaluation/on-boarding phase. They help people with disabilities find work. They know the layout of my educational path, which right now includes getting a master’s, but I don’t know if I will have time in my life to get there. I’m still thinking about what exactly I’d like to do. They want me to start looking for jobs that require a bachelor’s, just to see what’s out there and what’s possible.

They also asked me about my limitations, which is always hard to focus on. Like, if I have such a hard time walking, why don’t I use any assistive apparatuses? I have a cane. I use it very occasionally now, but I don’t go out much, and the main issue with that is not having that hand free. Walking around school, carrying a heavy bag with a laptop and books in it is difficult. Then not having one of my hands available just sucks.

So, why don’t I use my wheelchair? First of all, it’s a manual chair. These days I don’t have the upper body strength to push it. It’s a great chair because it’s super lightweight, but nowadays, I neither have the stamina nor energy. Before, it was just my legs that were fucked, but now I’m weak all over.

I ask myself, what about an electric chair? Well, just like with the manual chair, I have a major vanity problem. It’s so stupid, I know. But I’m highly aware of how others look at people in any kind of wheelchair. I’ve met people when I was in a chair, and then again when I was doing well, not needing a chair. They have never once recognized me out of the chair.

It’s not “cool” to be disabled, yet it’s not easy to be someone who is struggling when no one can see it either. Also, many people think that everyone who is using a wheelchair can’t walk at all. That’s not true for all people. And if they see you walking around, they think you’re some kind of fake or a wise guy. Seriously, I’ve been asked before if it was all a performance act.

It’s a lot of mental crap to navigate. I’d rather not think about it. I realize that some/most people in wheelchairs don’t have the privilege to feel vain. And I can walk a bit. Not a long distance, but I can walk to my car and back, depending on the on-foot destination. Because of that, I may look like I’m just being lazy. Being vain and lazy is not a great combo.

Anyway, eventually, in time, I might not have a choice but to get an electric wheelchair. Honestly, when I’m recovered from my next surgery this fall, I’d like to go back to PT and strengthen my body more, especially my upper body so that I can at least use the manual chair. We’ll see.

This is my chair; only mine is not blue. It’s bright green.