Tomorrow is the first day of my sociology class. It’s online, but the lectures are every Friday morning on Zoom. I’m really looking forward to it. Since that class has been a slow start, I’ve been reading more Art History texts. It’s supposed to start at the Renaissance, but there’s a lot of intro to the history that began with cave paintings. And only in recent years have we learned that Neanderthals contributed to many of them. It’s so interesting how far a distance we’ve come in how we see Neanderthals. Calling someone a Neanderthal can’t be an insult anymore. Ha!
So, as of early this morning, I think I’m halfway done with my What Matters book. The good news is that I’ve been editing it a bit along the way. Not every chapter—I’d still classify it as the first draft—but I’m definitely getting somewhere now.
I had to go back and insert a new chapter. It’s #7, called Hold Steady, about integrity, which I mentioned before. It’s actually about both integrity and vulnerability. I almost forgot how incredibly important it is to talk about that. It’s not just about having these qualities in your work, but professionally, too: integrity to keep your ethics strong, stay true to your principles (and prices), and say no to things that don’t benefit you.
Finishing that chapter puts me back to Chapter 12, which is about writing artist statements. Sounds like that’s coming too late in the book, but I’m pretty happy with the order of the chapters at this point. Now that there are 23 chapters in all, it’s only really halfway through the book, but everything before that should be in place before a new artist works on it: the statement, the bio, and the CV, if they even have one yet. In the beginning, there’s a way to craft a bio to replace a full CV. It’s just something else to use before there are shows under your belt.
I want this book to be a short, easy read. I’m not interested in re-making the Caroll Michels book, which is great, as I read it many years ago, but it’s much more detailed on managing contracts and generating artistic income, as well as having resources. It’s been thoroughly updated since I read it. Looking through her chapters, it looks like we cover a few of the same things. When I read it, I thought I already knew everything it had to offer because I was well into my career, but I still got a lot out of it.
I know my book will be much different in terms of mindset, and maybe I’ll even mention her book in mine. I already talk about Art & Fear, and I want my book to be more like that one. It’s only 128 pages. Michels’ book might be twice that length. I don’t want mine to be dense in any way, and it won’t be. It’s not. Even though I can be a motormouth, I surprisingly haven’t over-worded it. Not yet anyway.
I still haven’t made any art, and I haven’t made any progress on the new book edition either. I’ve been writing project proposals, sending submissions, doing schoolwork, and working on this book. Isn’t that enough shit? But now I’m antsy to make those paintings on wood shapes, and I can probably start on some of the drawings for the What Remains exhibit. I guess I feel like I can’t move forward until I finish the book edition, but I’m seeing now that this notion is blocking me from doing any kind of art, which is just stupid.
The other day, I got another rejection from the Pollock-Krasner Foundation. This will be the 4th time I’ve tried in the last 4-5 years. I think I will stop with them for a while. Getting a second award really seems out of the question. I also didn’t apply to the Guggenheim this year either. I feel bad asking my references again. I need to give that a rest as well, maybe a year or two. Maybe I’ll wait until I’m 100.
Oh, and the naysayer (the one who I’m not friends with—In fact, I don’t even know them) came back around to call me delusional again. They don’t think I can mentor disabled artists, at least not for money. This is what makes me delusional? Or maybe the reason is something else; I don’t know. I’m ignoring them this time, but it still stings. I wonder how so many other coaches can do it without a specialized angle. Do I still try to carve a place for myself, or should I just off myself? Maybe that’s what some of these people want. Oh my goodness! What a thing to say!
I don’t understand people who pretend to be your friend, or people who don’t even know you, trying to discourage you…for what fucking reason? Maybe they think that because they can’t or aren’t doing it themselves, then no one else should. Either way, I’m done with talking to people who disrespect me as an artist and a person. I’ve been through waaay too much in my life to allow people who don’t even know me, or who hardly know me, to take up space in my already troubled head.