I had a hard time sleeping last night. I’m not totally sure why. I know I was too hot, even though I slept with the window open, letting in the cold air. But I was still uncomfortable and lay there for a couple of hours after midnight just wishing I could fall back asleep. It pretty much sucked.

Yet, I can’t help waking up around 4-something in the AM. I just automatically do it. So, now I’m pretty tired and irritable, but here I am. Typing.

I’ve been trying, or rather, wanting to adhere to a better work schedule. It hasn’t been working out the way I keep planning. So now, I’ve started running an accountability group of artists. There are about seven of us, and we meet on Zoom every couple of weeks. I spent a lot of time building forms and documents in a Google Drive for everyone to hone in on our agendas and our goals. I spent most of the morning yesterday writing and compiling a 7-part presentation on S.M.A.R.T. goals. I really like SMART goals because they are much more analytical and tangible. They’re the most practical of all the goal-setting. So that was kinda fun laying that out since the group is all about making progress toward the things we’d like to get done.

Well, just before that, I was thinking about all my goals in general and came to the conclusion that my ambitions are actually a bit useless. That probably sounds very negative, but sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with anxiety about what I’m doing with my career, plus having to see or talk to people, which is part of the job sometimes. This anxiety comes to a head at times, and I’ll have a kind of breakdown. I have to stop and ask myself, What exactly am I after? You know, I don’t even know? And if I achieved these things, do I even really want them? The answer is mostly “no.”

I mean, would I want to be some famous art star? No way. Am I wishing I were in the Whitney Biennial one day? Not particularly. I also don’t think the Whitney would respond to the kind of art I make. I apply for these hoity-toity artist’s residencies, but do I really want to do them? Do I want to be away from home for three weeks? Nine weeks? I really don’t. I don’t want to be away from Hannah and my dog.

Maybe it’s because I want this stuff on my resume, but why? What for? Again, what am I after? Is it money? Power? Status? Importance? No, no, no, and no. I guess I want a few of these things for the experience—the experiences that I fear. I want to conquer those fears. I don’t need to conquer every one of them, but I’d like to have those experiences without having any fear hold me back.

But deep within me, I know I’m not going to win the things I apply for. That also sounds very negative, but the chances are just slim, and not just for me. However, sometimes I think it’s good to apply for them because it helps organize my thoughts about my work. And I know I should apply for this stuff, but I’ve been shoulding all over myself my whole life. What I should really do is make myself happy. Life is too short.

I do like making art. I mean, depending. I like organizing my thoughts, writing, and planning out projects, and I like most the application processes because I get to write about my art and need that practice. I’m not unaware of the things I do and don’t enjoy (which is good). But I always seem to be looking forward to what’s next. I live in the future, not the present, which brings worry about future scenarios and all the things that may or may not ever happen. It’s pretty stupid. Though I’ve never been able to change that about myself, I’d like to stop trying to change it rather than make myself feel bad about it.

Okay, I’m about half done stuffing the VIP promo envelopes with all the goodies. I’m waiting on one last eBay lot of vintage photo envelopes to arrive. They probably won’t be here until the middle of next week, but they’re good ones, and I’ll just have to impatiently wait. These packages won’t be sent out until 6-8 weeks before the opening. I have lots of time, but I want to get them done so I can focus on the last of the artwork.

I have plenty of time for those last paintings as well. Two of them have been partially started. They’re even dry now because I started them before my surgery.

I hope to start working on the one on the easel first. I say “hope” because I’ve been pretty bad about painting the last few weeks.