Art & Process

NY Wore Me Down…

Ayin Es3 Comments

Where have I been? It’s hard to believe, but I had pneumonia AGAIN! I just had it in November, and when I got back from NY, I got it again, but worse than I may have ever had it. I wound up in the hospital this time. Oh, it was baaaad. I still have it, but I am much better since I got out of the hospital this past Monday. Tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics and steroids. I was on them via IV while in the hospital for five days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick. I could not breathe. It was terrible. I am never smoking again – so at least that is something very good that has come from all of this.

I smoked practically my whole life, then I quit when I was 29 for a year. I was back on again for four months, then I quit for 10 years. 10 years! You’d think it was totally over, wouldn’t you? But then when my father was dying in hospice, I had such friction with my brother about his care, that the stress drove me to smoking again. I smoked for two months, but quit again before it got real bad. Then three months after that, my mother got into a horrible accident and I started smoking again on the night it happened, and from then on out, I just kept smoking. I quit a couple times, but when she died, I just went back and continued to smoke out of sheer depression. That was two and a half years ago and I’ve had absolutely no excuse other than just being hooked.

Now I am free. I’ve seen the dark side. I now know what it’s like to not be able to breathe, what it must be like for someone with emphysema. I don’t want to wind up like that one day. I actually have asthma. I was a fool to smoke at all. Why do we do stupid shit to ourselves? I have no idea. It felt connected to my personality. Isn’t that so ridiculous? I say that, and it’s so stupid, but I really felt that way. And I know when I feel all the way better, I’m going to have a hard time not incorporating it into my life – mentally (not physically).

But anywho… New York was GREAT! You know, before I got so sick. I felt it coming the very last day I was there. I may have partied a little too hard, but I was alone in NY with three days to do everything I could fit in, and we all know that’s just not enough time. I went overboard. I don’t usually drink, but I drank. I don’t usually stay up late, but I stayed up really late. I don’t usually walk around in 38 degree weather, but I did that too. I don’t usually walk around much at all (I live in Los Angeles after all!) so my legs were starting to collapse near the end of my stay. But I got to see a lot of art and a fair amount of NY that I had not yet seen. This was my 3rd time to NYC. I stayed at my regular place in Chelsea, the Chelsea Lodge – which was so perfect (2 blocks from the gallery).

I had never been to the Lower East Side, so I went there. I had a light dinner with Oriane Stender at a local wine bar and then went to see an art show at Mulherin + Pollard. I have been following Katharine Mulherin’s projects for some years. I’ve bought artwork from her in the past when I saw her at the art fairs. She’s a Toronto dealer. It was nice to see a gallery there in NY with her involved. I found out about it through a fellow artist friend, Brian Novatny, who I show with at George Billis in Los Angeles. He lives in Brooklyn and we hung out a bit in NY while I was there. He has begun to work a bit with Mulherin + Pollard. It was a cool little gallery and the Lower East Side has a nice up-and-coming contemporary art vibe to it, like Chelsea used to have before it got super popular.

A lot of people came to the opening at Denise Bibro, and I met some wonderful peeps, namely Judith Braun from the first season of Work of Art. She is so cool! I talked to her for a long time and really enjoyed her company. I also sat right next to Bill Gusky at dinner, who was in the show with me. He and his wife are cool peoples. And of course Nancy Baker, who made the entire exhibition happen in the first place. She is my Jewish sister and I owe her a giant birthday cake. I love her, and her amazing artwork.

Jeez, I could go on a bunch about NY, but I’d be here all day.

Friday and Self Worth

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Friday I went to the Learning Resource center at UCLA School of Medicine to talk a little bit to the students, most of them in their 2nd year. We gave them free pizza to lure them in and it worked. Quite a few were actually interested in the art and asked some good questions. I was even surprised at my own self with the knowledge I had on the nervous system and was able to hold some pretty intelligent conversations.

Then I headed over to USC to pick up my work that was at the Hebrew Union College. A lot of driving. That’s LA for ya.

Today I worked on and submitted my application for the California Community Foundation fellowship for Visual Arts. The deadline isn’t until March, but I just wanted to get it over with. I had recently applied for a smaller grant to help me to get to NY to attend the reception of my first show there next month, but was rejected, so I’m not going. I apply for things all over the place, kinda constantly. I do not usually get them, but once and a while I win. So to all of yous out there that think it’s not worth it, you have to keep trying. Eventually you will be awarded with a few. I can’t tell you how many grants I have applied for. Countless! And I apply every year. Before the NY thing, I had applied for the Durfee and I was rejected, and I have won that grant twice, but I have also applied for it at least 10 times and didn’t. So you have to keep at it.

And don’t think I don’t feel crushed when rejected. I still do. Perhaps more so than when I was younger. I don’t know why that is, but I do. It doesn’t last long, but I get pretty devastated on “rejection day” and just try to keep busy to get my mind off it. There is a LOT of rejection in the arts. a LOT. It’s not for the fainthearted. I guess you just have to commit to it, whether you believe in yourself in that moment or not. It’s like a promise you have to keep. You have to rely on yourself because no one else is going to go this distance for you except you, so it has to be important. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stupid endeavor either. It’s just as important than being a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, and it’s certainly more important than being a stockbroker or a politician. You’re not in it for the money or the fame, so it’s kind of like being a nun, so hats off to ya! Give yourself some credit and buy yourself a Hershey bar!

2012

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Hi Ho! Welcome to the last year of the Earth! I haven’t posted in a long while, but as you can see, I changed the look of my blog. I went for simple. I had that old look since 2007. In fact, I’ve had the look and design of my website for many more years than that and I’ve been working with MJP on revamping my entire site. This is going to take a bit of time of course, but in the next couple months, be ready for a full on change after a decade of what it’s been.

Change is really hard. I never thought I’d say this, but the older you get, the harder it truly is. I am changing a lot of things this year. This wasn’t some “New Years Resolution” bullshit or anything like that. It’s purely coincidental. I’ve had to reassess my relationships, which was not easy. I’ve had to get my own self-worth in order and realize my goals. Putting things into perspective was like coming out of a burial site. I still have dirt and maggots all over me, but I’m walking up the road trying to find the first service station I can. I can see it in my sights and I’m flicking off the worms and brushing off the dirt…

The last week of 2011 was tough. I had a really hard time getting my act together for the show I am about to install tomorrow morning. Pressing, personal issues tugged at my energy levels and I had to tough it out and chug through it with brut force. Everything is finished, including the ERL site. The specimens are now all FOR SALE and can be purchased with PayPal.

Bioillogical starts tomorrow, with the opening on the 25th. It’s featured on The Huffington Post right now! Then Wednesday, three large pieces are being picked up and shipped to NYC for a show I am in at Denise Bibro Fine Art in Chelsea called Detonate. I’ve also been remiss in calling Andrea Harris about a show I’m participating in at the Frank M. Doyle Arts Pavilion at Orange Coast College in February. I got a lot on my plate. I want to do a couple of installations there. I’ve been wanting to do my blue shirt cuffs forever, so maybe Andrea will allow it.

Also, 2012 is slated for me to work on an entire new body of work. This new work is going to be a lot more abstracted than my most recent work. That’s what I’m going for anyway.

And I’m still working on my book. My Artists’ book, and the novel. Jesus strike me down now!

Pneumonia Redux

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It’s down to the wire. I have too much going on for my pneumonia to be relapsing, but here it is. Second time in a year, second relapse in a three week span. This happened back in February to March. Now again this last month. The relapse is not as bad as the first two weeks of this shit, but I am still suffering from a rattling cough, constant need for sleep, body aches and a light fever. I’m about to start a second round of antibiotics today.

And I don’t have time for this! I have way too much to do! I have all kinds of shit going on that I need to tend to. My Kickstarter project was funded successfully and I just ordered all the glass flasks for the specimens. I have created the new website for the project, although it’s not fully completed. Now I have to thank and send out all the rewards to my donors. There were 33 in total. I just ordered a set of some very nice Thank You cards that should come this next week. I will be writing nine personal thank yous. Some people will get original art that I have yet to make, and some that I’ve already made. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of mailing to do. Then I have to start putting those specimens inside the beakers and tag them all, but I can do that at a slow pace as they are sold…

What I really need to get finished is all the work for my UCLA show, Bioillogical, which installs on the 9th of January! This is going to be at the Geffen Learning Center at UCLA Medical Center in Westwood. It’s a solo show about my illnesses and also made up biological craziness. I have all the work completed, sans three pieces. One is a 30 x 40 inch oil painting that is taking a while and I’m only about 1/4 completed on it. It has some yellow in it that I just laid down on Thursday. You oil painters know about yellow! Some of it is rather thick too. I brought it inside the house to work on because there is more heat in here than in my garage studio, so I hope that helps it to surface dry by installation day.

The other two pieces are pretty much cake. One is a super small gouache. I can knock that out in an hour or so. The last one is an 18 x 11 inch piece that is not exactly a painting at all, but a kind of hand-written piece with a small illustration on it. It is a kind of make-shift patient exam for clinical Multiple Sclerosis, but I’m putting it on a Style Card that is used in pattern making.

THEN, I have to work out what the hell I’m going to say on Sunday, December 18th at the Palos Verdes Art Center for my book presentation and poetry reading! How the hell did I get myself into that one? I blame Edie Abeyta. Don’t get me wrong, I love her. She asked me to do it and I said, “okay!” like a fool. It’s probably good for me to do it and it’s good exposure for my book works, but I’ve never read any of my poems out loud to a group of people… Shit, the more I think about it, the more crazy nervous I become. Stop making me think about it! The “performance” is called A Book in the Hand and it starts at 2 PM. Please don’t come.

I’m also being interviewed by Mat Gleason – on camera – for a webisode he’s doing. I’ll be doing the interview next Friday, so I better not be sick. I don’t know when it will air, but it will be on the internets for all to see my fat ass.

So I have four pages of “stuff to do” before I go out to Joshua Tree for Xmas. I have not “celebrated” this holiday in many years. I’m a Jew you see. But when I was a young teen, I found my own self-made family where I had very very special Xmases that I will never forget. these were some of my best and dearest memories of my entire life. Now, Tracey, my friend who made those times possible, lives in Joshua Tree. I will be seeing her for this holiday after not spending it with her in over 20 years.

Yeah, I better not be sick.