Waiting for Jordan

I have been hard at work on a new book for Chance Press. I think it’s going to be the shit, the fo’schnizzle, the bomb, and the cat’s meow. The only problem is that I can’t announce who I am doing the book with quite yet. It’s me and another artist who is actually one of my most favorite artists working today. It’s going to be a dream come true for me, but I have to tighten my lip for now about who it is. I am waiting for Jordan Hurder from Chance Press to give me a green light, as he is not announcing who it is yet either, so I’m waiting for him to broadcast it before I go letting the kitty out of the cat bag.

Not only that, I will be withholding the 16 works on paper that I am doing for the project. So why am I even saying anything at all? Because I am excited! If you’re not seeing new paintings up as soon as you’d like to, just know that I am still here working my butt off; I just can’t let you see what I’m doing exactly. Bummer, right? Not. What the hell do you care anyway? You probably have more important things to do than check out my blog, or sit and wait for new art to appear. Unfortunately, I am obsessed with making things and posting them. Come to think of it, I am just obsessed in general. If I don’t accomplish something arty every day, I feel like some kind of looser. Like today for instance. I sketched in my sketchbook, wrote about three paragraphs in my novel, and I painted the watercolor on the 5th page of the new Chance Press book, but I feel like I didn’t really do much today. I went shopping, and went to the pharmacy, and just put on a load of laundry, but I am still lacking a sense of accomplishment. I also worked on some computer bugs as well: since 1993, I have been keeping my entire mailing list in a Microsoft Works database, and it wasn’t until today that I finally imported the data into Access 2007. Welcome to the new millennium, for Christ sakes! …So that was my day.

What is wrong with me? I’ll tell you: It’s never enough! Never enough art. I don’t think I will ever feel as accomplished as I fantasize about. I am forever neurotic.

Well, it’s been a while…

It’s been weighing on me that I haven’t posted to my bloggie in quite some time. I’ve had a lot going on and just haven’t found the time to write – not even in my book. I am still about half way through the first pass, perhaps a bit more at more than 100,000 words. I think one or two more stealthy sittings will take me to the three quarter mark.

I’m not sure if I ever announced it officially, but the title is Shrapnel in the San Fernando Valley. The book is about my life and there are many, many characters in it – many of whom will most likely be edited out because it’s just too many people! If you are a close friend of mine, don’t be mad if you don’t wind up in the book. Actually, be glad. I am about to make a number of enemies in publishing it.

The first year that I was writing my story, everything was fictionalized. After many consults with trusted friends that are also amazing writers, I realized that the most interesting and special part of the entire book is that it’s all true. Some may never believe it, but that just can’t matter to me anymore. It’s going to be from my perspective after all. It’s my life as I remember it and quite a few people are not going to like me outing them about this, that, or the other, but I guess I will just let the chips fall where they may.

Believe it or not, I will be losing a couple of friends because of this. Not because I want to, but because of rules and regulations that they follow according to their faith. It is the whole reason why I fictionalized it in the beginning. It’s also been very, very tough for me to make certain decisions regarding what I will and won’t disclose, which has lead to me feeling reluctant to continue. There are two particular people that I currently have in my life that no longer will be, and one family member that will most likely try to sue me.

So why publish it?

I have many reasons to formally put my story out there into the world. First of all, it’s quite a story. If you’ve ever read Push, or seen Precious, you might understand the importance of sharing such a story for the mere fact that it helps other people to overcome their circumstances. I have done it with art, and music. I am a survivor – of some pretty unbelievable situations. All the odds were stacked against me, and I am in no way a thick skinned or strong, super person. If I could survive it all, so can anybody, and that’s my main message in publishing my, what might otherwise seem self-indulgent story.

I will shut up about all that for now. I haven’t been working on the book at all really because I’ve been having more health issues! I know. Hard to even fathom at this point. What else could possibly go wrong with my health now? Well, there are many complications that arise when you have an auto-immune disorder, never mind two. MS and Lupus also seem alike, so it’s also tricky to know which one is giving me which kind of hell.

Well, this time the culprit is the Lupus. I now have welts (Panniculilis) all over my body that have been there for months. It’s been causing some (extra) pain and atrophy in my legs. It got so bad, I had to be put on immune-suppressant medications and it’s been taking me some time to tolerate some of the side effects. Like any chemo drug, it makes you feel sick to your stomach, but I think that part has finally subsided. I feel lucky about that. The dosage will eventually ramp up, so we’ll see how it all goes. I’m still an itchy, painful mess, but hopefully it will start to get better soon.

I wasn’t making much art until a couple of weeks ago. I started a watercolor on the day of my first outing with my “little sister” Alicia. We went to the Armory Center for Arts in Pasadena for a few hours and just painted while getting to know each other a bit. It was fun and opened me up a lot, so I wound up working on a few more little pieces on paper ever since…

Here is the one I started with Alicia (It still needs to be finished) “Somewhere:”

somewhere

Then I did a few during SketchFest, an on-line “get-together” that happens once a month for 48 hours. The ones on the map pages have little mini stories about them:

“Pink in the Belly”

pinkinthebellyweb

“Woofs!”

woofsweb

“Dan About Town”

danabouttownweb

Dan is a nondescript animal. No one knows if he is a dog, a cat, a horse, or two people in an animal suit. He likes to roller skate and pick flowers. And when no one is looking, he will eat cake and Ding Dongs.

“Orville”

orvilleweb

Orville is a purple octopus that lives in the South Bay. He like it there because the tides are choppy and the fish are less pretentious than the fish in the Santa Monica Bay.

“Bunny Guy”

bunnyguyweb

Bunny Guy lives near Compton. He travels around other parts of Los Angeles to explain to other residents that Compton has a bad rap and is not as dangerous as the Hollywood movies and rap music proclaims. He picks flowers along his travels. Bunny Guy also has Asperger’s Disorder.

“Cell Patterns on Pattern”

cellpatternsweb

Then, I just finished this one the other day, which I started during SketchFest:

“Summer Ride”

summerride

I think I am most happiest with Summer Ride. It turned out the way I wanted it to.

I also made this little 8 x 8 inch oil painting for my friend Tracey’s birthday:

hbtraceyweb

Sorry that last one is pretty blurry. It is because I needed to shoot it fast before I sent it off in the mail and didn’t have my good camera charged at the time, AND it was still too wet to set it down on the scanner bed. I did the best I could with what I had… Like everything!

Today is Tracey’s Birthday, so if she happens upon this long-ass blog post: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACEY!!!

Okay, enough.

Who Do I Think I Am?

I want to help artists, but I don’t know how. Especially now. I used to pride myself on being a real big shot when it came to self-promotion, organization, artistic discipline, and building a career in the arts. However, these past few years have put me into a tail spin where I have lost half my representation, made less sales, and produced the least amount of work in 2011. What on earth happened? Can I fully blame the economy? Now I know why it was called “The Depression!” These setbacks have me reevaluating the meaning of success. What qualifies me to help artists that are starting out on their career paths if mine is suffering? Is mine even suffering? I’m going to say NO.

Tuesday of this week I got word that I was rejected from Skowhegan School of Painting and Sculpture. I wanted to attend this residency so badly because it promoted that I would leave there a completely different artist than the one I came in as. Now that I was turned down, I had to think about my desires for wanting to go. Why did I want to be a completely different artist? If I don’t like the artist I am right now, that’s a bad sign. Do I really need to go to Maine to correct that problem? Is that the real problem? It was a little bit more complicated than that. It was more about a multitude of rejections I was internalizing that got me thinking I needed to be a different artist in order to be accepted…

Accepted by whomever was rejecting me at various places I was applying to: Galleries, grants, residencies, etc. How soon I forgot that I won the Pollock-Krasner Fellowship in 2009-2010. That’s nothing to ignore, yet I was feeling like some kind of loser for not getting some other new accolade. That, and a couple of my galleries dropped me, sales were getting bleak, and rejections were rolling in. Suddenly I felt like I had no career.

Then I thought about what advice I would tell another artist if they came to me with these very same woes. I would remind them that the body of work that they have created and all the sales, honors, awards, and acknowledgements they have received throughout their career is theirs for life. It never goes away. And all that, along with the rejection of all the attempts of having tried bravely is a mountain you can stand on top of and be proud of because these are things you accomplished yourself through tooth and nail. So why the hell don’t I feel my own advice? I’m sure as shit qualified to help someone at an earlier stage in art if I can help myself at my own stage, right?

I know I don’t make the most commercial, salable work around. It’s pretty odd and personal, childlike and crude, but besides that, we are in a pretty bad recession. There was a big story on 20/20 about how the Art Market is not suffering, but unless you are Damien Hirst or some other artist in the $20K-$10 Million range, you are feeling it if your work doesn’t appeal to a mass market. The way I see it, for artists like me, it is a time to create, invent, explore, and experiment. If a sale comes, great (I just sold something to a collector in Canada as a matter of fact), but I’m not counting on sales at this time.

What I’d like to do is work on a couple new series for 2012 and exhibit them in 2013 sometime at my LA gallery. I’d also like to help out artists where and if I can.

How can I help you?

Whatever…

Got word today that it’s a no-go on Skowhegan. I will not be going there this summer. This is the 3rd, wait, make that the 6th residency I’ve been rejected from. More if I’m counting that some of those places declined me twice. I was looking forward to Skowhegan the most in that it was a school. Oh well.

Just so happens that last night I got a great idea for a new series of work. I’ll be busy all summer anyway.

I sat down here to write a really long blog post about things that I feel and that have been going on internally with me, and now I don’t feel like it anymore.

I sold this watercolor the other day:

Carol Es

“Childhood Centerfold,” 2011. 8.5 x 14 inches, Watercolor and ink on paper.

NY Wore Me Down…

Where have I been? It’s hard to believe, but I had pneumonia AGAIN! I just had it in November, and when I got back from NY, I got it again, but worse than I may have ever had it. I wound up in the hospital this time. Oh, it was baaaad. I still have it, but I am much better since I got out of the hospital this past Monday. Tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics and steroids. I was on them via IV while in the hospital for five days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick. I could not breathe. It was terrible. I am never smoking again – so at least that is something very good that has come from all of this.

I smoked practically my whole life, then I quit when I was 29 for a year. I was back on again for four months, then I quit for 10 years. 10 years! You’d think it was totally over, wouldn’t you? But then when my father was dying in hospice, I had such friction with my brother about his care, that the stress drove me to smoking again. I smoked for two months, but quit again before it got real bad. Then three months after that, my mother got into a horrible accident and I started smoking again on the night it happened, and from then on out, I just kept smoking. I quit a couple times, but when she died, I just went back and continued to smoke out of sheer depression. That was two and a half years ago and I’ve had absolutely no excuse other than just being hooked.

Now I am free. I’ve seen the dark side. I now know what it’s like to not be able to breathe, what it must be like for someone with emphysema. I don’t want to wind up like that one day. I actually have asthma. I was a fool to smoke at all. Why do we do stupid shit to ourselves? I have no idea. It felt connected to my personality. Isn’t that so ridiculous? I say that, and it’s so stupid, but I really felt that way. And I know when I feel all the way better, I’m going to have a hard time not incorporating it into my life – mentally (not physically).

But anywho… New York was GREAT! You know, before I got so sick. I felt it coming the very last day I was there. I may have partied a little too hard, but I was alone in NY with three days to do everything I could fit in, and we all know that’s just not enough time. I went overboard. I don’t usually drink, but I drank. I don’t usually stay up late, but I stayed up really late. I don’t usually walk around in 38 degree weather, but I did that too. I don’t usually walk around much at all (I live in Los Angeles after all!) so my legs were starting to collapse near the end of my stay. But I got to see a lot of art and a fair amount of NY that I had not yet seen. This was my 3rd time to NYC. I stayed at my regular place in Chelsea, the Chelsea Lodge – which was so perfect (2 blocks from the gallery).

I had never been to the Lower East Side, so I went there. I had a light dinner with Oriane Stender at a local wine bar and then went to see an art show at Mulherin + Pollard. I have been following Katharine Mulherin’s projects for some years. I’ve bought artwork from her in the past when I saw her at the art fairs. She’s a Toronto dealer. It was nice to see a gallery there in NY with her involved. I found out about it through a fellow artist friend, Brian Novatny, who I show with at George Billis in Los Angeles. He lives in Brooklyn and we hung out a bit in NY while I was there. He has begun to work a bit with Mulherin + Pollard. It was a cool little gallery and the Lower East Side has a nice up-and-coming contemporary art vibe to it, like Chelsea used to have before it got super popular.

A lot of people came to the opening at Denise Bibro, and I met some wonderful peeps, namely Judith Braun from the first season of Work of Art. She is so cool! I talked to her for a long time and really enjoyed her company. I also sat right next to Bill Gusky at dinner, who was in the show with me. He and his wife are cool peoples. And of course Nancy Baker, who made the entire exhibition happen in the first place. She is my Jewish sister and I owe her a giant birthday cake. I love her, and her amazing artwork.

Jeez, I could go on a bunch about NY, but I’d be here all day.