Thoughts

Match Closed

March 8, 2013March 8, 2013Ayin Es1 Comment

My “Little Sister” has gone to live in Corona with a new foster family that may or may not permanently adopt her. She’s been through this scenario before. A few times actually. In fact this time, papers were being processed by this family to adopt her straight away from the foster family she was currently with while I was mentoring her, but she ran into a few problems. These problems were not exactly new however. Mainly they were stealing and throwing tantrums. Alicia was not new to throwing tantrums. They came after she would find out when an adoption fell through, and in this last case, one of her younger foster sisters was being adopted by her current foster mother – in the house she had lived the longest since being in foster care at six years old. Yet, it didn’t seem clear to her foster mother that this could’ve been the reason Alicia’s antics suddenly escalated. She stole from school (pens, clothes from Lost & Found, art supplies), from Macy’s while Xmas shopping (jewelry, hair accessories), from her foster mom (quarters out of a glass jar she kept in her bedroom). The quarters quickly added up to $60 and she purchased and sold candy at school for a profit. Candy she was not allowed to eat – at all. She has some enamel deficiency on her teeth so she is not allowed to ever eat candy. (Can you imagine a 10 year old forbidden to eat candy?)

Well, her foster mom had quite enough of all these broken rules, so she called the agency to give her 7-day notice to get Alicia out of her house.

I tried to get along with Mrs. M. I was very respectful. She is an elderly, old-school, traditional Mexican grandmother that has successfully raised several children of her own and through Social Services. Her home is spotless. All the kids have impeccable manners (including Alicia), and she is very strict – which most of these kids probably need: structure. But psychology was probably not her strong suite. She knew about Alicia’s past, but had some unrealistic expectations of her regardless. Alicia had come a long way since coming into Mrs. M’s house.

I was told that when she first arrived there, she had only one outfit. The one she had on. It had holes and was deeply stained with grime and still had a stench after washing. Her socks did not match, her shoes were worn through on the bottoms. She had no idea what hair conditioner was. She had never used eating utensils. She had no toys. This was her fifth foster home. She just turned nine.

Her father died when she was six. Her mother was an addict and her older brother was molesting her. Social Services took her away and placed her into a foster home where the adult male was found to be molesting her in addition to what she had already gone through. She then hopped from foster home to foster home until she arrived with Mrs. M, which was the first Latino home she landed in. Alicia is Latina.

Now she is in Corona. Mrs. M told the social worker nothing about the Big Sister program, and the social worker would not return CBBBS‘ calls. Match Closed.

I will reapply in May.

We had some fun together. We made paintings, puppets, t-shirts, bracelets, We went to the movies a few times, we tried different restaurants, we went swimming, we went bowling, listened to music, she came over and we decorated the Christmas tree, we talked, we went to the arcade, played a lot of Tic-tac-toe, and kept a activity book together. We danced to Beyonce too. For the most part, we did have fun. At times she was shy. At times I was shy. She was very disconnected (understandably) and she had pretty significant OCD, which made it hard for her to have “fun” in some instances. I still wonder if I was any good as a “mentor.” I hope she knew she was important to me and that I love her.

Bows and Flows of Angel Hair and Ice Cream Castles in the Air

March 4, 2013March 4, 2013Ayin EsLeave a comment

And feather canyons everywhere, I’ve looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun. They rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

Remember when I said I thought I could get away with three coats on those panels? WRONG! But then it rained. And then I got the flu. I still have the flu. And while I had the flu, I got paranoid that it was a fatal side effect of one of the many new medications I have recently been put on. It doesn’t help that I already have anxiety, or bouts of paranoia, or that “flu-like symptoms” are listed as a warning sign as a “serious” and “sometimes fatal” condition for a drug you have been taking for a few days. And let us add to that the general anxiety of my recent career choices, and the fact that my “Little Sister” has been lost in the Riverside foster care system for the past several weeks. I probably won’t even get to see her to say goodbye to her, and I would really like NOT to be depressed before I have any business taking on a new kid to mentor, I mean, ya know?

If I wasn’t sick right now, I’d be out there finishing those panels, but then again, my gardeners come sometime today, so it would not be a good day any way. I was hoping I could get them finished because I am picking up the rest of my artwork from George Billis Gallery tomorrow, which I already know is not going to be easy. I will bring a small box of tissues, for myself at least. Tressa has to be professional. I’m the artist, so I can be a wreck.

In better news, I designed a piece of art today that I really like. I say designed because it doesn’t exactly exist yet. I drew it in my sketch book, then I scanned it in. I scanned it because I meant to play with it in Photoshop and decide on the color palette, but that never happened. While I was trying to get the drawing centered onto a square, something kind of really cool happened. I was coloring the background color, which was set on a yellowish color (like the coloring for the birch panels) and without thinking, I just started swooshing it with a large white brush. “Oops.” But then, I left it alone. And I love it. I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t have happened had I not recently read an article about provisional painting. It’s an older article in Art in America from 2009 that Ellie Blankfort introduced to me a couple months ago, and it totally inspired me.

Anyway, I would show you this image I made, but I am trying to decide if I should start hoarding my work-in-progress until they are completed, and in fact, I’ve even considered waiting until I’ve had eight matching pieces. Isn’t that mean?

Okay, okay, I’ll tell you what I will do. This is much, much better than my idea/design anyhow.

This past week I fell IN LOVE with a piece of art you should all see. It’s by local, Los Angeles artist, Valerie Wilcox. And it’s the first thing you see when you go to her site, so you immediately fall in love before you make your way all the way into the site, making her some kind of master of strategy.

This is titled, Untitled w/Orange, 2012.
Acrylic, graphite, polystyrene, paper, 26 x 21 inches.

GOD I LOVE THIS!!!!

Looking Out For No. 1: 1977

February 26, 2013Ayin EsLeave a comment

When I was a kid growing up in the late 70s, I would notice a stack of self-help books left next to the toilet in my mother’s bathroom – a place she (and let’s admit, many of yous) enjoyed reading.

During that time – a time I severely disliked her – I couldn’t help but think about how sickly ironic it all was. I mean, she was probably just trying to improve herself like any of us. And knowing what I know now about her life, she did not think well of herself at all, but during that time when I was a preteen, I could not think of a more self-centered person on the face of the Earth. And unfortunately, this too was partially true despite her mental illness et al. Yet, here were books with titles like, How to Be Your Own Best Friend, I’m OK – You’re OK, A Guide to Rational Living, and the icing on the cake: Looking Out for No. 1. Number one!? Boy did that piss me off. If that wasn’t a person who didn’t think she wasn’t number one, but rather the only one…

Well, I digress. Just a little.

Here I am at 44. Now I can see how that book might be of some use! Ha! And now I remember what brought me to write this. Today is my first day of a long, artful meditation. I wasn’t expecting realizations. But here’s one. A motto of mine has always been – in terms of others: Understand, Accept, Forgive. NEVER did I even think to do this for myself. And of course I never thought to do it for myself before the other person. Ummm Duh!

Me first!

The Paradox of Work and Work

February 24, 2013February 24, 2013Ayin Es1 Comment

What do I mean by that? Well, there is the finished work of art itself, and then there is all the work that goes into making it:

The grunt work, like prepping, priming/gessoing, or maybe stretching the canvas. Perhaps ordering the sizes you want from the canvas maker. The sanding and sealing of panels — all in which are a kind of methodical, meditative process, or a giant pain in the ass, depending on how you look at it. There is also the menial work of rounding up the supplies you will need to make what you have been thinking about, which brings us to:

The strategies and ways you go about forming ideas for paintings. This is another kind of meditation. They might come from dreams, clever anecdotes, real or fantasy scenery or persons, abstract or surreal feelings and a way to use color to get all this across. All this shit takes a massive amount of thinking and meditation. It’s similar to a book I once read called Mount Analogue: Climbing a mountain in your mind so to speak, and making it real as you go along. Sometimes it comes really easily. Sometimes it takes a boat load of preliminary drawings, mixtures of ideas on paper, sketchbooks, etc., time ticking away for a while. It’s hard to say exactly, but you can’t force it. You can only do – something else – in the interim.

Then, do I even want to start talking about the actual application of painting? It’s such a sacred, intimate and even private subject, I shouldn’t dare. Besides, I’m not painting anything right now. I’m in meditation mode. I’m drawing. I’m prepping. Over the last few days, I have been sanding and sealing six small birch panels. I am hoping I have just applied that last coat, but we’ll see in the morning.

I just got this great new Dewalt palm sander which is making my whole life easier, not that using the block sander was so much work or anything, but the Dewalt sure makes it so severely even that I just might get away with three coats of sealer rather than four or five.

Also in that picture is my new Ingento paper cutter! mjp found it for a steal on Ebay! We are quite excited about it. Makes for better book making and paper chopping!

Anyway, back to my 20 x 20 inch panels. I’ve also decided to change my sealant mixture today, which for some might seem like blasphemy! From now on, instead of a 2 to 1 mixture, I’m going half shellac and half DH alcohol. It makes for a smoother, more even application, IMHO. I like it better. If you are going to follow my advice (which you never should) seal the back first with a more shellacy mixture and the first coat of the front and sides, then add more denatured alcohol as you go along with each coat with a light, even sanding between each coat. You should be able to get away with four coats that way.

Here’s the other two:

Like I said, I’ve been drawing a lot. Lately it has been my most honest work. That and my very last oil painting. The pink one. This one:

I did a little experiment and went through 100 paintings of mine – that I actually liked – and wrote down WHAT I liked about them. There were many repeating elements and I was left with a list of 21 things. I was then able to turn the 21 into 10 (just by wording it differently) and I am pinning it up in my studio to use as a jumping off point. In fact, I should title it SPRINGBOARD! So I think I am just clearing and cleaning up my spiritual clutter (I can’t believe I just used that wording) so I can begin some intense study and focus on my work. I’ve had a LOT that has been holding me back.

Mentally, I have been a mess. Some of my medications have ceased to offer me emotional benefits and I am in the middle of changing quite a few of them at the same time. It has been rough. This comes at the tail end of a bunch of drama with my best friend. 34 years of trust and a kind of amazing strength just broken, shattered into little shards of glass that slice me open at the slightest, unwitting movements I made. I had to make a decision to stop getting so unbelievably HURT, so I took myself out of that picture. And then, this week, I decided to leave my eight year relationship with the George Billis Gallery – I mean, without drama or burning any bridges. He gave me a lot of opportunity and I will always appreciate that, but I just left. And now I am on my own.

Now, I just want to see what my art begins to look like out here in no-man’s land. Should be interesting to get to know myself again.

Palm Springs Fine Art Fair: I’m Getting Bored

February 17, 2013February 17, 2013Ayin EsLeave a comment

Saturday, and I’m getting bored. Nope, I’m actually a little depressed. Well, it’s not so much that I’m depressed than I am miserable.

I had to change rooms at my motel. There were four rooms right next to me, both on the first and second floors, filled with a bunch of fraternity kids that were LOUD and partying ALL NIGHT LONG and through to the next morning. Next door, on the other side of me, lived a lady with many dogs that needed to be groomed (including the lady) and most visibly her teeth, as she had very few of them. The frat kids made friends with her, perhaps to buy meth, and were talking in groups with her outside my door, which had been broken into at some point in the past. Part of the door had been kicked in, so light shined in on the lower half of where the door should have been shut all the way. It needed to be slammed hard in order to lock it or even close it.

I didn’t sleep much Friday night, but I got up on Saturday morning at 7:45 anyhow to meet Tressa for breakfast at a nice little place across the street called Rick’s. It was good. I tried to gently push for her to place my work somewhere more prominent in the booth for the day. Friday, only one piece was hung – kinda. It was low on a wall — behind a wall – where no one could possibly see it. The other one was still wrapped right next to it because that was the little storage space behind that particular wall. She assured me she was going to move everything around before 10:am and my work would be in a better place. I mostly cared about the one I had framed nicely the week before. I thought it looked pretty good in the frame.

After breakfast I went back to my room and it was pleasantly quiet, so I took myself a nappie pie. My new room wasn’t going to be ready until after 5:00 and I wouldn’t be back from the fair until after 8:00 anyway. Maybe even later because I kind of planned on hanging out with Tressa if she wanted to, after she was finished working.

Friday night I met with some of my dearest and oldest friends that live there in Palm Springs. They live about three miles from the convention center. They made me a beautiful dinner and yelled at me about being in a motel in the first place. I promised I would never do it again and had learned my lesson. From now on I stay with them when I go there. We had a great time and talked and I was reminded how so very lucky I was to have such amazingly giving people as friends.

But back to Saturday. I put on the best clothes I have, which is not saying much. Well, wait, yeah it is! My $100 pants, Calvin Klein blazer, $300 shoes and a J Crew blouse…not bad for a schlub that usually wears Levis and a t-shirt most days. I have to say though, I’m always in expensive shoes, even when they look like shit. A long time ago I changed the way I shopped. I stopped buying cheap stuff. I buy what I like no matter what it costs, I just have a very small wardrobe, which is fine with me because a) I hate shopping, and 2) I don’t like having too many choices when getting dressed.

So I “dressed up,” got into the little, white Fiat, and got to the Palm Springs Convention Center right at 3:00pm, just in time for Andi Campognone’s guided tour and lecture, which I find out very quickly is basically for total art novices. I realized, right after she brings the group to the first work of art (a video piece), that this tour is going to bore me to death, but I so wanted to talk to Andi.

Years ago, when Andi was the curator at the Riverside Art Museum, she picked me as one of the artists for a very cool group exhibition called Material Girls. The show was amazing and I was really proud to have been invited to be part of that. The Riverside Art Museum is SUCH a beautiful building. I was blown away. The only downside was that it was Andi’s last show there before Peter Frank took over her position and I was not able to meet her. I talked to her on the phone and I have been emailing her off and on all these years since, but I still have never met her in person, so while the group was observing the video art at the first booth, I took her aside and quickly/quietly introduced myself. She kind of squealed with excitement and told me she was such a fan of my work. Whaaa?! I told her it was I that was the fan of HER work. Before we started to argue over it, I excused myself and suggested we find each other after the lecture and have a cup of coffee. That was the plan anyway. Now Andi is the curator of the Lancaster Museum of Art and History.

Then I went to the Billis booth to see Tressa and the rearrangement of the artwork. I didn’t notice that much of a difference, except my framed piece was now hung on the wall – behind that wall that my other painting was on the back of. Because those two walls were but a couple feet from each other, the framed piece was all in shadow. You could not really see it unless you kind of jimmied yourself back in that storage cubby. You could notice a portion of it if you went towards the back of the booth, but not passing by the booth. I passed by it twice and didn’t see it, didn’t say anything to her because she was closing a sale. But details, details. I was NOT happy. By the time I saw where it was exactly, I was about to burst into tears, but she actually needed a little bit of help wrapping up the painting (a beautiful one by Tom Gregg ) that she just sold. Once that was done, I made sure she didn’t need a bathroom break or anything like that — so I could fly out the door to have a good sob.

I was pretty greify for a while, while walking around and looking at art, trying to get inspired. Some things did the job, but most things either did not, or only lifted me briefly. I was killing time, taking pictures here and there, waiting for an artists’ talk with Robert Kelly whom I truly admire. Quite a few of his works were there, as he was actually invited to especially exhibit and appear there at the fair by the Host Committee. In fact they were giving him a special award to honor him during Modernism Week in the city.

I took a seat in the theater early, in the back of course because that’s what brooding people do. And when it started, the award was given in about two shakes and, before you knew it, Steven Biller (The editor for Palm Springs Life) was already asking him questions. Robert, an extremely articulate man, was able to give long, but not too long, descriptive, and almost scientifically poetic answers to questions. I was fully engaged. I was inspired. It was exactly what I needed right then and there. He took some questions from the audience after that. I did not have any questions ready for him, but I wanted to talk to him. I just wanted to know everything about him. I could have heard him talk about black for hours.

I wound up asking him something via another audience member who asked something about a piece of Robert’s that he owned from 1992. I had wondered what the difference was in style, compared to the pieces at the fair to this particular one, or general pieces from the early 1990s. He told me that he had been working with a mentor back then that was a geologist turned painter and he had a strong influence on him. The work was a lot more painterly and expressive. It has taken him about 20 years to get to the standard he is at today. That just really put things into perspective for me.

We talked for about five minutes after his talk in front of a couple of his larger paintings, and then I thanked him and let him go. I went by the Billis booth and said goodbye to Tressa and let her know I would not be coming by the fair on Sunday. My plan was to leave early and come home.

That’s what I did. I got up at 7:30 and packed up and was home by 10:00 AM, still a blubbering mess.