Thoughts

Friday and Self Worth

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Friday I went to the Learning Resource center at UCLA School of Medicine to talk a little bit to the students, most of them in their 2nd year. We gave them free pizza to lure them in and it worked. Quite a few were actually interested in the art and asked some good questions. I was even surprised at my own self with the knowledge I had on the nervous system and was able to hold some pretty intelligent conversations.

Then I headed over to USC to pick up my work that was at the Hebrew Union College. A lot of driving. That’s LA for ya.

Today I worked on and submitted my application for the California Community Foundation fellowship for Visual Arts. The deadline isn’t until March, but I just wanted to get it over with. I had recently applied for a smaller grant to help me to get to NY to attend the reception of my first show there next month, but was rejected, so I’m not going. I apply for things all over the place, kinda constantly. I do not usually get them, but once and a while I win. So to all of yous out there that think it’s not worth it, you have to keep trying. Eventually you will be awarded with a few. I can’t tell you how many grants I have applied for. Countless! And I apply every year. Before the NY thing, I had applied for the Durfee and I was rejected, and I have won that grant twice, but I have also applied for it at least 10 times and didn’t. So you have to keep at it.

And don’t think I don’t feel crushed when rejected. I still do. Perhaps more so than when I was younger. I don’t know why that is, but I do. It doesn’t last long, but I get pretty devastated on “rejection day” and just try to keep busy to get my mind off it. There is a LOT of rejection in the arts. a LOT. It’s not for the fainthearted. I guess you just have to commit to it, whether you believe in yourself in that moment or not. It’s like a promise you have to keep. You have to rely on yourself because no one else is going to go this distance for you except you, so it has to be important. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stupid endeavor either. It’s just as important than being a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, and it’s certainly more important than being a stockbroker or a politician. You’re not in it for the money or the fame, so it’s kind of like being a nun, so hats off to ya! Give yourself some credit and buy yourself a Hershey bar!

2012

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Hi Ho! Welcome to the last year of the Earth! I haven’t posted in a long while, but as you can see, I changed the look of my blog. I went for simple. I had that old look since 2007. In fact, I’ve had the look and design of my website for many more years than that and I’ve been working with MJP on revamping my entire site. This is going to take a bit of time of course, but in the next couple months, be ready for a full on change after a decade of what it’s been.

Change is really hard. I never thought I’d say this, but the older you get, the harder it truly is. I am changing a lot of things this year. This wasn’t some “New Years Resolution” bullshit or anything like that. It’s purely coincidental. I’ve had to reassess my relationships, which was not easy. I’ve had to get my own self-worth in order and realize my goals. Putting things into perspective was like coming out of a burial site. I still have dirt and maggots all over me, but I’m walking up the road trying to find the first service station I can. I can see it in my sights and I’m flicking off the worms and brushing off the dirt…

The last week of 2011 was tough. I had a really hard time getting my act together for the show I am about to install tomorrow morning. Pressing, personal issues tugged at my energy levels and I had to tough it out and chug through it with brut force. Everything is finished, including the ERL site. The specimens are now all FOR SALE and can be purchased with PayPal.

Bioillogical starts tomorrow, with the opening on the 25th. It’s featured on The Huffington Post right now! Then Wednesday, three large pieces are being picked up and shipped to NYC for a show I am in at Denise Bibro Fine Art in Chelsea called Detonate. I’ve also been remiss in calling Andrea Harris about a show I’m participating in at the Frank M. Doyle Arts Pavilion at Orange Coast College in February. I got a lot on my plate. I want to do a couple of installations there. I’ve been wanting to do my blue shirt cuffs forever, so maybe Andrea will allow it.

Also, 2012 is slated for me to work on an entire new body of work. This new work is going to be a lot more abstracted than my most recent work. That’s what I’m going for anyway.

And I’m still working on my book. My Artists’ book, and the novel. Jesus strike me down now!

Slow Chip

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Spencer the dog never worked out. He was too wired up and crazy for my border collie and liked to jump four feet off the ground a lot. They just didn’t get on too well and I opted not to get him, which is fine. I need a dog that is going to get along with Buddy well since Buddy doesn’t have much time left. He’s over 12 years old now and I want him to enjoy his last years, not just endure them.

I’ve been in Joshua Tree for the last week and it was great as usual. It rained one of the days I was out there and the smells are just fantastic. There’s nothing like it. I also met some new people and they are very special and I hope to hang out with them again next time I go out, which will probably be around the holidays.

I am still working on Bioillogical, my show at UCLA Medical Center. It’s been slow-going. I have a couple of peeks here, but I don’t have much to show yet. Even if I had more, I’m saving it for the show. I also have an illustration to do for Alligator Stew, a small press that has accepted one of my poems and asked me to illustrate a poem by another writer for their next publication.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’M STILL TIRED! I have many ideas and plans swimming around in my head. I’m inspired and all that, I just don’t have the physical energy to get it all done. It really pisses me off.

As for the novel, I’m at 60,000 words. I’ve turned 9. My family just bought the house that they hold onto the longest in North Hollywood. This is where a lot of shit happens, not that a lot of fucked up shit hasn’t already. I moved about a dozen times already before this point between three states. My parents have separated four times – and I’m NINE! Luckily, it doesn’t happen again, but that doesn’t mean I wish I would. Good thing I get out of there five years from this time… Damn, I have so much more to write….

Working vs. Sleeping

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I’ve been working towards an exhibit that I will be hanging the first week of January at the Learning Resource Center at UCLA Geffen School of Medicine called Bioillogical. It’s going to include a couple paintings and mostly drawings on pattern paper, plus a few of my specimens in glass Erlenmeyer flasks — speaking of which, I have put up a KickStarter project to complete this entire series. PLEASE HELP! There are some great incentives for you to contribute there.

I say I am working on the pieces for this upcoming show, but I have to admit, I am doing a lot of sleeping. I am STILL going through a long bout of fatigue that has not let up very much. I am embarrassed to admit just how long my daily naps are exactly, but I believe they are just not normal. I’m looking forward to getting back to what was once normal.

I’m also considering adopting a new doggie. I am going to take my Bordie Collie and myself to meet Spencer on Wednesday to see how we all like each other. If it goes well, I just might bring him home with me.

The novel is coming along slowly. I’m chipping away at it little bits at a time. I am still not even at the best parts, so it feels boring. While I’ve written in parts of my life at 40, stories about a few key people, a few tragedies, and my parents’ histories, I decided to then go chronologically from the beginning of my life and now I’m not yet nine years old. I’m at the part where my family finally got back together after a long separation, drove across the country from Pennsylvania to Los Angeles, and we are about to rent an apartment in North Hollywood on Coldwater Canyon Blvd. The bulk of the shit has yet to begin, but I’m at 52,000 words (200 pages) into this rough draft now. And I still have a lot to write.

Me and my brother with “Gigi” our doggie in Culver City, circa 1973.

Thinking

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I’ve been working on this project for over two years, but I don’t have the money to finish it, so I am considering doing a kind of lottery. Not sure yet, but if I could get enough people to buy lottery tickets, maybe I can raise the money to finish the project and the winner of the lottery can come away with a piece of art. I wonder what readers think about this? I need about $2500. The money is for the glass flasks for this so that they all look like these inside the glass.

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