This article just changed my life.
Thoughts
Who Do I Think I Am?
I want to help artists, but I don’t know how. Especially now. I used to pride myself on being a real big shot when it came to self-promotion, organization, artistic discipline, and building a career in the arts. However, these past few years have put me into a tail spin where I have lost half my representation, made less sales, and produced the least amount of work in 2011. What on earth happened? Can I fully blame the economy? Now I know why it was called “The Depression!” These setbacks have me reevaluating the meaning of success. What qualifies me to help artists that are starting out on their career paths if mine is suffering? Is mine even suffering? I’m going to say NO.
Tuesday of this week I got word that I was rejected from Skowhegan School of Painting and Sculpture. I wanted to attend this residency so badly because it promoted that I would leave there a completely different artist than the one I came in as. Now that I was turned down, I had to think about my desires for wanting to go. Why did I want to be a completely different artist? If I don’t like the artist I am right now, that’s a bad sign. Do I really need to go to Maine to correct that problem? Is that the real problem? It was a little bit more complicated than that. It was more about a multitude of rejections I was internalizing that got me thinking I needed to be a different artist in order to be accepted…
Accepted by whomever was rejecting me at various places I was applying to: Galleries, grants, residencies, etc. How soon I forgot that I won the Pollock-Krasner Fellowship in 2009-2010. That’s nothing to ignore, yet I was feeling like some kind of loser for not getting some other new accolade. That, and a couple of my galleries dropped me, sales were getting bleak, and rejections were rolling in. Suddenly I felt like I had no career.
Then I thought about what advice I would tell another artist if they came to me with these very same woes. I would remind them that the body of work that they have created and all the sales, honors, awards, and acknowledgements they have received throughout their career is theirs for life. It never goes away. And all that, along with the rejection of all the attempts of having tried bravely is a mountain you can stand on top of and be proud of because these are things you accomplished yourself through tooth and nail. So why the hell don’t I feel my own advice? I’m sure as shit qualified to help someone at an earlier stage in art if I can help myself at my own stage, right?
I know I don’t make the most commercial, salable work around. It’s pretty odd and personal, childlike and crude, but besides that, we are in a pretty bad recession. There was a big story on 20/20 about how the Art Market is not suffering, but unless you are Damien Hirst or some other artist in the $20K-$10 Million range, you are feeling it if your work doesn’t appeal to a mass market. The way I see it, for artists like me, it is a time to create, invent, explore, and experiment. If a sale comes, great (I just sold something to a collector in Canada as a matter of fact), but I’m not counting on sales at this time.
What I’d like to do is work on a couple new series for 2012 and exhibit them in 2013 sometime at my LA gallery. I’d also like to help out artists where and if I can.
How can I help you?
Whatever…
Got word today that it’s a no-go on Skowhegan. I will not be going there this summer. This is the 3rd, wait, make that the 6th residency I’ve been rejected from. More if I’m counting that some of those places declined me twice. I was looking forward to Skowhegan the most in that it was a school. Oh well.
Just so happens that last night I got a great idea for a new series of work. I’ll be busy all summer anyway.
I sat down here to write a really long blog post about things that I feel and that have been going on internally with me, and now I don’t feel like it anymore.
I sold this watercolor the other day:
“Childhood Centerfold,” 2011. 8.5 x 14 inches, Watercolor and ink on paper.
Never Ending
Day 39. Oh, I’m way better, but I am still sick! I read about how long this could last and it can take a couple of months, so I suppose I’m right on target. I’m mostly just tired. I do little things throughout the day and they wipe me out. Yesterday I packed up 17 small pieces for the Folktales show I’m going to be in next month at Nichols Berg Gallery in Philadelphia with artist Lynnette Shelley. I was ready to die after that.
The day before, I did a bit of under painting on a small stretched linen piece that was inspired by a loose sketch I did, which will be the beginning of a new body of experimental work for me.
Today I wanted to work on that painting, but I am really sleepy and distracted. I’m wondering if I should talk about it here or not. I’m still thinking about it. It’s about how personal I get with my art and my words – publicly. I ran into conflict about it this morning and I already had reservations about it as it was. I always do. It’s a double edged sword being an open book. I don’t know. I’m thinking if I should stop. Maybe it’s not brave at all. Maybe it’s stupid.
I have reservations about the book I’m working on too. I’ll definitely write it/finish it. I’m 63,600 words into the rough draft as of now. When I’m done, what to do with it? I really am torn. I’m torn between two titles too. I don’t want to give them away just yet.
I also still have to finish two unfinished art pieces. My artists’ book Houses, and a 36 x 36 inch painting that’s been sitting on my easel since last fall. It’s working name has been “the one that will have the snake” because I am going to sew a stuffed snake around the edges to it when it’s finished.
Friday and Self Worth
Friday I went to the Learning Resource center at UCLA School of Medicine to talk a little bit to the students, most of them in their 2nd year. We gave them free pizza to lure them in and it worked. Quite a few were actually interested in the art and asked some good questions. I was even surprised at my own self with the knowledge I had on the nervous system and was able to hold some pretty intelligent conversations.
Then I headed over to USC to pick up my work that was at the Hebrew Union College. A lot of driving. That’s LA for ya.
Today I worked on and submitted my application for the California Community Foundation fellowship for Visual Arts. The deadline isn’t until March, but I just wanted to get it over with. I had recently applied for a smaller grant to help me to get to NY to attend the reception of my first show there next month, but was rejected, so I’m not going. I apply for things all over the place, kinda constantly. I do not usually get them, but once and a while I win. So to all of yous out there that think it’s not worth it, you have to keep trying. Eventually you will be awarded with a few. I can’t tell you how many grants I have applied for. Countless! And I apply every year. Before the NY thing, I had applied for the Durfee and I was rejected, and I have won that grant twice, but I have also applied for it at least 10 times and didn’t. So you have to keep at it.
And don’t think I don’t feel crushed when rejected. I still do. Perhaps more so than when I was younger. I don’t know why that is, but I do. It doesn’t last long, but I get pretty devastated on “rejection day” and just try to keep busy to get my mind off it. There is a LOT of rejection in the arts. a LOT. It’s not for the fainthearted. I guess you just have to commit to it, whether you believe in yourself in that moment or not. It’s like a promise you have to keep. You have to rely on yourself because no one else is going to go this distance for you except you, so it has to be important. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stupid endeavor either. It’s just as important than being a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, and it’s certainly more important than being a stockbroker or a politician. You’re not in it for the money or the fame, so it’s kind of like being a nun, so hats off to ya! Give yourself some credit and buy yourself a Hershey bar!