Yesterday, we got back from our trip to LA to attend my brother’s funeral. It was a pretty difficult time, and not only because his burial spot was up a very steep hill I could hardly climb. I managed to get through it, but I don’t think it will sink in fully for a while. 

It was good to see some family there. I haven’t seen my oldest nephew for many years. I got to spend time with him and my oldest niece, too. We talked a lot, and it was cathartic. We’ve all had complicated relationships with my brother in one way or another. Apparently, according to my niece, who took care of him in the end, he’d changed his tone and was very easy to deal with. She even said they had the relationship she’d always wanted, which made me feel good, but it’s sad it took so long and was crammed in the last four months. The eulogy she gave hit me like a falling piano to the noggin. I lost it and cried, but mostly for her. 

Getting choked up, I was able to think about all the good things about him. He did have many great qualities. He was extremely generous in helping people with any contracting work they needed, and hardly ever charged for it. He helped me with drywalling my old studio, and I only had to pay for materials and labor to his guys, but I guess that was the same as getting charged for it, isn’t it? Ha ha. I’m sure if he did it himself, he wouldn’t have charged me for his labor costs. Many years before that, he worked in the studio I created at my parents’ house, but I ended up not staying there because it was at my parents’ house! Ha ha ha. Still, it was a cool space that he ended up living in himself with his partner and baby, but I digress, I guess. What am I trying to say? No idea.

I sent a few pages worth of good memories to the family to use in the eulogy. I had a little bit of a hard time thinking of stuff, so it was all from our early childhood. I lost my brother at 15 to addiction. I tried everything under the sun, moon, and universe to save him, but eventually learned I couldn’t, and let go of him countless times because he got clean countless times. Addiction just sucks, and I believe it all but ruined his personality and mental well-being. That’s how it goes. Anyone who has dealt with a close family member with a drug problem knows what I’m talking about.

Now that he’s gone and out of physical pain, I truly hope he’s at peace now. I don’t know what happens to us after we die, other than ceasing to exist, but I do have hope for a sense of peace somewhere in the death cycle. I do not believe in heaven or hell. I am not religious at all. I haven’t been for decades. But I’m perfectly okay with the unknown. 

On the morning of the funeral, I quickly read the last editing job on my Statement of Plans for my Guggenheim application, and it was completely torn apart with hundreds of edits and new suggestions. Maybe it was just a very bad day to check it, but it sent me into a tizzy. I thought about not applying anymore, and I still feel that way, but I’ll probably submit something since I worked so hard on it. I just feel completely defeated with what I had going there. I obviously haven’t been very clear, and that’s probably because I’m not entirely clear about the plan. They are just ideas for a new short film that I haven’t fully fleshed out yet. It’s just a loose idea right now. There’s no script as of now. I wouldn’t be able to make the film unless I was awarded the fellowship, so I haven’t made any precise plans for it. I probably need to get it more formed in my head so I can write about it, but I feel so burned out on doing it all for not.

Another factor is that my collaborators who helped me with the Up to Now movie haven’t responded to me for some time. I don’t know what’s going on with them, or, namely, one of them, but I wanted to pick his brain about how I can do it on my own if I can’t get funds to pay them. Up to now, it costs about $4K to make, and that was on a tight budget. 

In any case, I can’t buy the entire Creative Cloud suite, and would need it to make a decent movie, plus learn a few of the programs. 

I haven’t painted anything yet. Yes, still. I guess since Mike died, I haven’t felt much like it. But I think it will come soon.