Sorry about that; I’m neither man nor woman, but I love Elvis Costello, and that’s a great song. I love his high-pitched screaming that bookends the beginning and the end of that song. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

Just like in music, I’ve been burning out regarding art. I’ll admit, it scares me. In music, it wasn’t just burnout; I became too disabled to play drums professionally. I couldn’t count on my body to be consistent, especially my weak-ass legs. Around age 30, I dove full-on/full-time into my art and had a lot of energy for it for decades. Perhaps too much energy because I frequently drive myself into the ground, having to pay the price for it every time. Every show I do requires an enormous amount of downtime afterward. I’m inching my way to 60, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I turned 58 yesterday, which just makes me realize I’ll never be “the next new thing.” I don’t really make anything all that “new” anyway. Maybe it’s over.

Now that I’m in school (I can’t really say “back in school” because I never went to begin with), I’ve had zero time for art. I’m only taking ONE class right now. It’s over in nine days, and I’m looking forward to that. By far the hardest class I’ve done. I have taken a few classes in community college when I was in my 30s. But this history class is breaking my balls, which I do not have, though I feel like I had them in a sense.

I’m broken. I’ve tried harder than I was capable of, obsessing and rewriting this paper that’s due at the end of the week. Then, we edit it to the best of our ability and hand it in as the final by the 30th. Each week, we added a new paragraph to it per the professor’s rubric, which slightly changes each time. It actually changes subtly in contradictory ways, as I may have mentioned about this particular instructor. And I keep getting graded shittily. That’s probably improper grammar and cursing at the same time.

For now, I think I’m done with this paper, but I’ve said that at least (and I kid you not) 20 times now. His critical notes are endless. I know this makes me look like a horrible student, like I can’t seem to do this assignment for my lack of understanding and assimilation abilities. It’s definitely not a lack of effort. Hell, maybe it is because of the brain surgery. I don’t know anymore.

One more thing that is pissing me off now is that I recently discovered the professor will be running our papers through an AI scanner. There are strict rules about not using AI, even in part. And that includes Grammarly, too! Honestly, if I didn’t have Grammarly, I could hardly write an email, so I’m using spellcheck instead. And apparently, we’re not supposed to use that either! There are words I always misspell. “Definitely” is one of those words. It’s absolute luck when I get it right. But I digress…

Anyway, I’ve been running my totally human-written paper through tons of different AI checkers, and 98% of them come back and say that my paper is 100% AI-generated. I’ve tried rewriting it over and over, mostly to dumb it down, but sometimes, that just makes it worse. I mean, yes, it makes the paper worse for sure, but I mean the AI checkers must think I’m trying to fool it (which is what I am trying to do), and it comes back “98% (and up) positively AI-generated.” I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to keep rewriting it just to pass AI checkers. My only defense is the countless drafts I’ve tried to save. I should have saved more, but over the last 8 weeks, I have at least 16 drafts that I will use to defend myself if I have to. In my last three drafts, I finally thought to turn on Track Changes. I wish I had known to turn that on a long time ago. I didn’t think about how academic writing kinda sounds like AI.

I’ve taken things out, then pulled up older drafts to put some things back in. I got rid of a ton of cited sources, then put them back in, all to try to satisfy the instructions that change from week to week. First, we needed at least 10 scholarly references to be cited; then it was six, back to 10, and now it says six again. I have around 12. I thought I was getting it. I thought I was doing well, and I have learned a lot about American history, but I just feel like a dense idiot, and I guess I suck at accepting criticism. Well, that’s nothing new. I do suck at accepting criticism.

But my point in writing all this was about music, art, and time. I no longer have time! I’m only trying to get three measly credits, and I have absolutely no time to finish my last book edition, no time to start a new painting, no time to write an exhibition proposal, no time to think about what I’d like to propose, nor where to send it, only to be rejected. How is this going to go once I have a semester with nine-12 credits planned? No more art for six or seven years? Maybe!

I’m not saying I’m going to give up. Not yet, anyway. I’m just complaining about my life. I tried going to the campus last week, and I could hardly make it from my car to the room I was going to. I seriously almost fainted. When I got back to my car, I broke down and sobbed through very heavy breathing. I was fully spent—exhausted, sore, and confused—mostly because I went to visit the professor to get better clarity on this fucking assignment, but I didn’t really get much clarity at all. I’m still mostly guessing what I need to change to make a new argument “through the lens of the Founding Principles.” I was told I can not speak on racism or discrimination in NASA, so I have reframed everything to speak as positively as possible (without lying) about how NASA blocked women and POC from participating in the Space Race throughout the Cold War. The research and discovery of this has been mind-boggling.

By the way, did I mention the moon landing happened 57 years ago yesterday? July 20th, 1969 was my first birthday, so I’m a fan of that particular accomplishment. I’m not purposely trying to throw NASA under the bus. But whatever. I have been trying to talk about the comparison in NASA’s EEO Directors’ methods of implementing the Founding Principles, but somehow, that is still not good enough. I’m basically going to either fail this class or get a C, which to me is just as bad.

But look! I digress again! What about art? What about my creative ideas? I haven’t had any new ones, but I still have a list of projects I’d like to get done. Some have been on the list for over a year, maybe longer. First is finishing embellishing the Hurty Brain books, starting Miami 1975 (a more seriously involved artist’s book), creating some smeary portraits on pattern paper sleeves (an experiment), turning What Remains into an exhibit proposal (that’s my dementia idea), and ordering wooden shapes to start my geometric, abstract paintings. There are also some old etchings I’ve been wanting to paint over, and I have a bunch of clay that I’d planned on making into some kind of abstract-type sculpture. So, whether I feel like working on any of these things or not, it looks like I’m going to have to carve out the time somehow if I want them executed, and still fit in school. Oh, and the many fucking doctor appointments I have. And I haven’t even mentioned that I need yet another surgery sometime after next month. Or maybe I have mentioned it. I’m too forgetful and maybe too lazy to look, but if so, again, I need a hernia surgery. Oh boy.