In progress…
Never Ending
Day 39. Oh, I’m way better, but I am still sick! I read about how long this could last and it can take a couple of months, so I suppose I’m right on target. I’m mostly just tired. I do little things throughout the day and they wipe me out. Yesterday I packed up 17 small pieces for the Folktales show I’m going to be in next month at Nichols Berg Gallery in Philadelphia with artist Lynnette Shelley. I was ready to die after that.
The day before, I did a bit of under painting on a small stretched linen piece that was inspired by a loose sketch I did, which will be the beginning of a new body of experimental work for me.
Today I wanted to work on that painting, but I am really sleepy and distracted. I’m wondering if I should talk about it here or not. I’m still thinking about it. It’s about how personal I get with my art and my words – publicly. I ran into conflict about it this morning and I already had reservations about it as it was. I always do. It’s a double edged sword being an open book. I don’t know. I’m thinking if I should stop. Maybe it’s not brave at all. Maybe it’s stupid.
I have reservations about the book I’m working on too. I’ll definitely write it/finish it. I’m 63,600 words into the rough draft as of now. When I’m done, what to do with it? I really am torn. I’m torn between two titles too. I don’t want to give them away just yet.
I also still have to finish two unfinished art pieces. My artists’ book Houses, and a 36 x 36 inch painting that’s been sitting on my easel since last fall. It’s working name has been “the one that will have the snake” because I am going to sew a stuffed snake around the edges to it when it’s finished.
NY Wore Me Down…
Where have I been? It’s hard to believe, but I had pneumonia AGAIN! I just had it in November, and when I got back from NY, I got it again, but worse than I may have ever had it. I wound up in the hospital this time. Oh, it was baaaad. I still have it, but I am much better since I got out of the hospital this past Monday. Tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics and steroids. I was on them via IV while in the hospital for five days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick. I could not breathe. It was terrible. I am never smoking again – so at least that is something very good that has come from all of this.
I smoked practically my whole life, then I quit when I was 29 for a year. I was back on again for four months, then I quit for 10 years. 10 years! You’d think it was totally over, wouldn’t you? But then when my father was dying in hospice, I had such friction with my brother about his care, that the stress drove me to smoking again. I smoked for two months, but quit again before it got real bad. Then three months after that, my mother got into a horrible accident and I started smoking again on the night it happened, and from then on out, I just kept smoking. I quit a couple times, but when she died, I just went back and continued to smoke out of sheer depression. That was two and a half years ago and I’ve had absolutely no excuse other than just being hooked.
Now I am free. I’ve seen the dark side. I now know what it’s like to not be able to breathe, what it must be like for someone with emphysema. I don’t want to wind up like that one day. I actually have asthma. I was a fool to smoke at all. Why do we do stupid shit to ourselves? I have no idea. It felt connected to my personality. Isn’t that so ridiculous? I say that, and it’s so stupid, but I really felt that way. And I know when I feel all the way better, I’m going to have a hard time not incorporating it into my life – mentally (not physically).
But anywho… New York was GREAT! You know, before I got so sick. I felt it coming the very last day I was there. I may have partied a little too hard, but I was alone in NY with three days to do everything I could fit in, and we all know that’s just not enough time. I went overboard. I don’t usually drink, but I drank. I don’t usually stay up late, but I stayed up really late. I don’t usually walk around in 38 degree weather, but I did that too. I don’t usually walk around much at all (I live in Los Angeles after all!) so my legs were starting to collapse near the end of my stay. But I got to see a lot of art and a fair amount of NY that I had not yet seen. This was my 3rd time to NYC. I stayed at my regular place in Chelsea, the Chelsea Lodge – which was so perfect (2 blocks from the gallery).
I had never been to the Lower East Side, so I went there. I had a light dinner with Oriane Stender at a local wine bar and then went to see an art show at Mulherin + Pollard. I have been following Katharine Mulherin’s projects for some years. I’ve bought artwork from her in the past when I saw her at the art fairs. She’s a Toronto dealer. It was nice to see a gallery there in NY with her involved. I found out about it through a fellow artist friend, Brian Novatny, who I show with at George Billis in Los Angeles. He lives in Brooklyn and we hung out a bit in NY while I was there. He has begun to work a bit with Mulherin + Pollard. It was a cool little gallery and the Lower East Side has a nice up-and-coming contemporary art vibe to it, like Chelsea used to have before it got super popular.
A lot of people came to the opening at Denise Bibro, and I met some wonderful peeps, namely Judith Braun from the first season of Work of Art. She is so cool! I talked to her for a long time and really enjoyed her company. I also sat right next to Bill Gusky at dinner, who was in the show with me. He and his wife are cool peoples. And of course Nancy Baker, who made the entire exhibition happen in the first place. She is my Jewish sister and I owe her a giant birthday cake. I love her, and her amazing artwork.
Jeez, I could go on a bunch about NY, but I’d be here all day.
“See, the angels are everywhere.”
That’s what Wanda says in the screenplay Barfly after a bum gives her and Henry a light for a cigarette. Henry replies, “It’s time those fuckers came out of hiding.”
So the most amazing thing happened here a few days ago. The art shipper came to pick up my work that is going to Denise Bibro for Detonate next month, and he turns out to be one of the nicest guys on the face of the earth. We get to talking while we are packing up the paintings in the truck, and many subjects come up. We get to know a little bit about each other and such. He’s an artist himself, a photographer, born in Germany, raised in Israel, lives in Brooklyn with his family… I told him about how this is my first showing in NY, etc. And just as he is about to pull away, he hands back the cash I gave him for his fee and tell me to go to NY so I can be ay my show. He knocked the wind out of me and I of course would not accept it. I regretted telling him I could not afford to go, as I certainly was not expecting him to do such a thing. He pushed and pushed and insisted he wanted to sponsor the trip, and if I sold the work I could pay him back. If I didn’t, then it was a courtesy of his business in shipping for artists. He said he did this at times when he had a full load, and he did.
I was just absolutely stunned, and even in the last seconds as he was closing the door of the truck, he would not allow me to shove the envelope of money back into his jacket pocket. he just kept saying, “No! It makes ME feel good. Don’t Worry about it.”
As he drove away, he rolled the window down and said, “I’ll see you at the opening. I’ll be there!” and he was smiling ear to ear, waiving goodbye.
I was crying, I just could not believe it. And all I did was give him lemons from my tree. I tried to feed him too, because he was very hungry, but he wouldn’t even take water or a banana or anything from me. It was a little frustrating. I told him the way to the best pizza in town however and I hope he went there.
So… I guess I’m going to Chelsea!!!!
The opening is February 2nd 6-8 PM!
Thanks to Shlomo the angel. 🙂
Friday and Self Worth
Friday I went to the Learning Resource center at UCLA School of Medicine to talk a little bit to the students, most of them in their 2nd year. We gave them free pizza to lure them in and it worked. Quite a few were actually interested in the art and asked some good questions. I was even surprised at my own self with the knowledge I had on the nervous system and was able to hold some pretty intelligent conversations.
Then I headed over to USC to pick up my work that was at the Hebrew Union College. A lot of driving. That’s LA for ya.
Today I worked on and submitted my application for the California Community Foundation fellowship for Visual Arts. The deadline isn’t until March, but I just wanted to get it over with. I had recently applied for a smaller grant to help me to get to NY to attend the reception of my first show there next month, but was rejected, so I’m not going. I apply for things all over the place, kinda constantly. I do not usually get them, but once and a while I win. So to all of yous out there that think it’s not worth it, you have to keep trying. Eventually you will be awarded with a few. I can’t tell you how many grants I have applied for. Countless! And I apply every year. Before the NY thing, I had applied for the Durfee and I was rejected, and I have won that grant twice, but I have also applied for it at least 10 times and didn’t. So you have to keep at it.
And don’t think I don’t feel crushed when rejected. I still do. Perhaps more so than when I was younger. I don’t know why that is, but I do. It doesn’t last long, but I get pretty devastated on “rejection day” and just try to keep busy to get my mind off it. There is a LOT of rejection in the arts. a LOT. It’s not for the fainthearted. I guess you just have to commit to it, whether you believe in yourself in that moment or not. It’s like a promise you have to keep. You have to rely on yourself because no one else is going to go this distance for you except you, so it has to be important. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a stupid endeavor either. It’s just as important than being a doctor, a teacher, a nurse, and it’s certainly more important than being a stockbroker or a politician. You’re not in it for the money or the fame, so it’s kind of like being a nun, so hats off to ya! Give yourself some credit and buy yourself a Hershey bar!