What matters next about life, about art, about going forward? Is there any purpose in staying still?
I am a shark. We are all sharks. Aren’t we?
For me, planning is the fun part. Even in the planning, I feel am moving forward.
What I’m trying to get across here is that, whatever you are planning next in your life is important. It matters, whether it is to clean the bathtub, envision your next painting, or visit your grandmother. It moves you forward.
Some people even have the ability to be in the present and enjoy those moments. You guys will have to write a blog post about that and teach me how to do that.
When I stay still, the darkness consumes me. Fear takes over. I don’t know if it does for you. I don’t even know how many are willing to admit it either.
We must move forward, especially when there is loss. Especially when there is death. What is the point in staying still then?
I suppose that’s why I make so many projects for myself.
I know I said a while back that I was no longer going to talk about this on my blog, but today I have been doing a little bit of writing in my book. Not an Artists’ book, but the “big” book. The one I refer to as Shrapnel.
I figured this thing might take a good 10 years before I actually get it done! It’s taking so long because I just don’t have the time. I also don’t have the feeling to work on it everyday. And, in a lot of places, I truly avoid writing about some of the subjects. They are difficult.
Shit comes up and it reminds me that: now I gotta go relive that all over again. And I have to relive it as I am now, which is a lot harder than when I had to go through it back then, if that makes any sense.
When you go through the hard things in your past, it’s not all that hard because somehow, you got through it. You used some kind of coping mechanism. You disassociated through it, or you slithered through by the skin of your teeth, totally unscathed, and then, you moved forward somehow.
So not only did I write out a bit of the hard facts in my book today and relive all that horrible crap, but now I’m going to tell you a little bit about it! Thrice! How’s that for some masochism?
I was writing about one of the many times I moved back to my parents’ house in my early 20s. This particular time, I decided to renovate the garage into a formal art studio, complete with skylights and a loft, halogens, and white walls, bright colored beams and stairs. I wish there was a picture of it. Why didn’t we ever take a picture of it?
Before beautifying it though, there was an enormous amount of junk that was kept in storage in the attic and I had to go through most of it before throwing it away. The garage was also the scene of a horrific crime(s) I had gone through some years earlier in my life, and why I wanted to gut it and live there was pretty strange to begin with.
Anyway, at the time, my thought was that I could live there rent free and save my money to buy my own house. What an idiot I was to think that this plan would actually work! I think it lasted all but four months before I couldn’t stand it any longer, living with my parents that is – even with 100 feet between us – it made absolutely no difference – I became certifiably insane.
However, I sure made a lot of paintings during that time, and that’s how I got through it. That’s how I moved forward.
You know when you do about 20 to 30 paintings, but you’re lucky to get one or two winners out of the bunch? That’s what happened during that time, and this was one of the winners at that time, called Greenman. I wish I had a better picture of it, but it became one of the best paintings I ever did, at the time – like I said. It went to a guy that collected some pretty nice works, so I hope he still has it. It was hanging right near a real Picasso in his dining room last time I checked.
Now I am moving forward by thinking of the new paintings that will be coming. ROCKS! I have been thinking about rocks!
Rocks and Hebrew letters, and I will tell you something else that has been on my mind for the last 72 hours… scaffolding, ropes, railroad ties …and how that can be used in repairing old architecture? These ideas are not yet formed.. But these are the beginnings of something that’s coming.
We’ll see what that’s all about