Kvetches

The Terribles

Ayin Es3 Comments

I’ve been working on “terrible” paintings lately. I am doing this because I feel I’ve had such fear of making a bad painting, that I over-think my approach. This idea has really been helping me to get back into the swing of things again.I have quite a few pieces in progress and only a couple so far really are terrible.

I got this notion after speaking with a good friend of mine, Robin Cracknell. Robin is an amazing fine art photographer in London. His works are compelling with deep-rooted issues around giving a voice to children that have perhaps not been taken seriously, believed, or otherwise ignored. It speaks volumes, to me especially. His work just continues to resonate with me. And having this inspiring conversation with him has brought new light to my process in making my own work. I don’t know how to thank him, but I hope this new energy lasts a good long while. I’ve needed it.

So here are a few works that are still in progress:

thedealip

This one is called The Deal and the painting on it is done. Now it needs to be embroidered all over. A time consuming task.

This next one, Ofrenda, I’ve been working on since I moved into my studio and I would say that the painting bits are very close to done. Then I’ll have to wait for it to dry and start on the embroidery.

ofrenda3aip

Now this one is a complete piece of crap that I still don’t know what to do with:

shit

It seems pretty unfinished, but you get the basic gist of what it is mostly looking like.

The following is finished, but it’s, well, I have no idea about it. But it’s called, Have a Beer.

haveabeer

What the hell do you make of it? Actually, nevermind. No comments from the audience, please. I need to make my own decisions, and that’s something that is not so easy for me to do, but I’m learning and getting a bit better at it. I am good at making instinctual decisions, just not conscious ones!

I’m also working on this big square the has a giant red circle on it. I know what I want to do with it, it’s just a little weird. Trying to be weird and allowing yourself to be weird are two very different things, mind you. Giving yourself permission to be free is one thing. Attempting, and trying, to be odd and original does not work. It’s all about listening to your true voice. This is genuine. Letting all the crap from the art world, commercialism, galleries, critics, and other people enter your mind is just suicide. This kind of focus is not easy. “How does this work with my other paintings” is another fucked up thought that tries to sabotage me in my studio. You have to stop thinking in terms of shows, series, bodies of work to really start making art that is true to yourself, and all these tasks are not as easy as one would think because we all want to be loved and we all want success. I guess it’s just a matter of redefining what success is — all the while living in a society that clearly dictates which achievements are successful. Fucken society! Who needs em?

Okay, in other news, artist Jeremy Quinn has featured his studio visit at Moppet on his blog. What a nice treat!

Happy Halloween everybody!

I was going to ramble on about something else, but now I forget, so bye.

Fear-facing

Ayin Es5 Comments

Okay, so for the last few days I’ve been painting in the studio, totally skipping out on my computer. I wake up, have my coffee, do a very quick check for important emails, put on my jeans and a t-shirt and run out the door before I get caught up in something that will inevitably distract me from getting my ass in gear. It’s been good – I am working on I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck/fear-facing stuff, mainly a 36 x 48 inch canvas that is not too terrible.

When I come home, I eat and have been working on my City of LA Individual Artist Grant Application – a very hard grant to win, but I try every year nonetheless. I am a little worried about my all-too-honest project narrative this time though. I blatantly state I will be working on a body of terrible art. Hahaha! But I do explain it so it’s not just left at that. Every day I have been trying to recommit myself to making terrible work so that I can just bust through my little inner rut/boredom/depression about my art. And it’s working.

Yesterday, I had a very wonderful visitor come to my studio: Hendrik Stooker, the co-founder of the Arroyo Arts Collective and retired, senior curator at the Occidental College Art Gallery. It was the first time I have met him in person, and truly loved him right off the bat. I am sort of glad when he left though because I really could have talked to him all night long. He was also very encouraging and full of ideas about how I can sell more art, but I fear I disappointed him with my pessimism and general disinterest in selling anything. For the Discovery Tour however, I do plan on putting out my least expensive work, like small paintings and drawings. I’ll tack them all over the place for November 22nd like it’s some kind of last-chance bake sale. Honestly though, I think people on the tour will be looking for art on the cheap and I am probably not their greatest bet. But I am going to make my best effort and put out as much work under $400 as possible. I will even slash my prices on my books and a few other tidbits. Whatever it takes to help make the day successful.

Last 2nd Saturday went well. No sales of course, but a ton of people came through. All my cookies and veggies were gone before 8:00, and all my bottled water went to the bike-riding looky-loos. I will be skipping next month’s 2nd Saturday NELA artwalk so that I may focus all my prep and promotion to the Discover Tour.

Tomorrow I have a studio visit from my gallery director, Tressa Williams. She started at George Billis LA not too long ago and I will be meeting her in person for the first time as well. She is picking art for the Miami fair and I’m really nervous about not having any – or having to “sacrifice” some pieces set aside for my Houston show, but I have to think about number of eyes with checkbooks, and more of those will be in Miami than at my show in Houston. It’s a no brainer. She can take whatever she likes tomorrow (or today rather, it’s already 12:30 AM). I better git.

Ofrenda

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I am still working on this painting in the studio. Working in the studio has been a little bit of a challenge, I think because I have been without one for a couple years now and started to get used to working from home again, but the more I spend time in the new space, the more I like it. I just can’t do it in my pajamas. There is good and bad in that. It’s better for me to get out of the house or else I seem to get stuck there and never want to leave. But it’s good to have the separate space so I can leave all the distractions from home where they belong. Not having a phone or an internet connection there also helps with that. I just work straight through the hours and get more done.

This last year has been the most unproductive time I have ever had as a visual artist. I am finally starting to get back into the swing of it all, but I am still working many less hours a day as I did before my father’s death. This is due to partially being stressed out, depressed and traumatized combined with the fact that my dad was really my muse. I didn’t know that until he was gone, and since I made such peace with him before he passed, there’s really no chip on my shoulder to prove to him that I am worth something. I know I’m worth something now, I just don’t know what I’m worth or what I really want to convey in my work anymore.  So far I’ve gotten by with not thinking about it and just letting the work develop itself. That sounds odd, but I really don’t feel like I am directing a thing. Really, I guess I never did. Who makes the work is truly beyond me. I’m just pretty sure it’s not me making this stuff. I can’t defend it or explain it in most instances, so don’t bother asking.

This piece is obviously an ofrenda to my parents. An altar, if you will. It is the first thing I started when I moved into the studio and I have a hard time working on it because of what it is. Today I got a good 5 hours in, but I won’t really be back to it until Thursday. That is, unless my social plans fall through tomorrow (today). As I write this, it’s 2AM and I should really be in bed snoring. Instead, I’m here talking to you. And do you listen to a word I say? There you sit, staring at the screen — but are you really hearing the words? You shouldn’t be. They are not important. What’s important is how you walk through the fire.

ofrenda2small

(still in progress.)

Running around, getting sick & inspired

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I’ve been sicker than a dog these last 2 weeks, and the doctor said to expect a couple more. I am wiped out completely/completely wiped out. Having my Open Studio the other week was hard to get through because that was probably the first day or so I got this virus from Hell. I wish I could say I am feel much better since then; I am way less congested, but all I want to do is sleep like a bear. Oh, but if only I was a bear. Bears are not neurotic.

 

For the past week, I’ve tried to spend as much time making art as I have had the energy for, which really isn’t much. I stand for a while, get dizzy, get tired, and have to lay down and sleep. I have 2 of the same size pieces going at both my home studio and at Moppet – 36” x 36” – both very different. One is a continuation from Contender, and yet as always. I am trying to allow the influence of what inspires me flow into the work without stunting it. It’s the freedom of Amy Sillman, the innovation of newer discoveries too. I’ve been most focused on local artist, Mary Addison Hackett, NY artist, David Humphrey, and a Japanese/British artist: Peter McDonald. Looking at their work lately has given me a lot of inspiration to create with abandon and remind myself that I really have nothing else.

 

The painting I have on my new easel at Moppet is a sort of an Ofrenda for both my parents. I have been sorting out a lot of flowers along the top, while adding a lot of things they both loved to eat around the bottom, which is based ontop of a make-shift cloudy heavenly sort of upsidedown sprially dripy plaine. So far there are things in there like a bowling trophy, bowling pin, Doritos bag, Yocco’s Hot Dog guy, Tommy’s burger logo, Ding Dongs, Sunkist orange soda, Dolle’s Saltwater Taffy… I know it still needs some Jiffy Pop. I may put in some sugar skulls for effect, but I’m not sure.It’s still gotta be mine.

 

This weekend marked the 1 year anniversary of my father’s death. I spent Sunday at Forest Lawn Cemetery.My mom’s brand new tablet was in place and that was very very hard to see. I laid on the grass between the two of them, like when I was a little kid, curling up between them in bed when I was scared, and just slept in the sun between them, crying and asking if they knew I was there or if they knew how much I missed them. It doesn’t feel like I am moving past this situation at all whatsoever.

 

Back to painting today. I am going to work on the one at home and try to go somewhere new. I’m going to try not to be afraid and remember to allow myself permission to experiment and trust my gut. Funny I have to tell myself the very same things every time after decades of painting, eh?

 

 

In progress (at home).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prop 8: WTF?

Ayin Es4 Comments

I’m glad and proud about America voting in our first black president. It’s about fucking time. I am happy about it, etc etc. But I am NOT happy with California who voted yes on Prop 8. In fact, I don’t know why this was even on the ballot in the first place! How the hell did it get on there? You can’t have the majority of morons voting against a minority! If the people were allowed to vote on African Americans’ rights, that would not have been fair since we are talking about making way for the rights of the minority of people regardless of the majority disagreeing. I am just very upset and angry about the outcome of this proposition, I can’t even put it into proper words. .

..And the whole angle on what it’s going to do to “the children” and “families” was such utter bullshit. Gay people being married doesn’t do anything to your families or your precious children. You can still go on trying to tell your kids it’s a terrible sin if that’s what you chose to do. You can’t deny that there are gay people in this world. There always was and always will be whether you religious nuts like it or not! It’s not other people’s choice to make! Especially about a personal relationship that is not your own and that makes you uncomfortable. So stay out of it! Yet, you want to stick your big fat schnoz into other people’s families. Gay families have absolutely no bearing or threat to your twisted teachings in your own family. For the people that voted yes on 8, it is a religious issue and this should have NOTHING to do with LAW or Civil Rights of our citizens. Fuck fuck fuck you, you self-righteous hillbillies!

How this proposition can reverse a law that was given as a right to a minority group, is still beyond me. How can a religious view become a law????? Can you say UNCONSTITUTIONAL?!