I’m going to come clean. The last week or two I have really haven’t done anything. I have made one drawing and have worked on my book very little. Last weekend I was at a resort with my best friend for her birthday, and the rest of the time I have been meaning to clean my house, but I haven’t. I have been mostly sleeping because I am dealing with CRUSHING FATIGUE!
I deal with a lot of fatigue anyway, but lately it is getting worse and worse. Can I just complain a little here? I am so sick of it! It makes me feel like an unaccomplished loser. Meanwhile, my mind is swelling with ideas and I can’t execute any of them. I physically don’t have the motivation. I’m lucky if I can do some dishes, then I have to lay down again. I’m good for sitting down and writing a bit, but that’s about it. I’m now about 40,000 words into my rough draft of the book. I tinker with it pretty often, but I can only write a little under 1000 words a sitting.
Never have I fully disclosed what is fully wrong with me. I have been conflicted about it for so many years for so many reasons. I don’t want to be the artist with a disability. I don’t want people to treat me differently, because they have. I also have issues with thinking that people wouldn’t believe all that is going on because it’s kind of a lot. I also don’t want to appear like I am kavetching or whining.
If you are seen with/in some kind a apparatus, like a wheelchair, people will define you as such. It’s just the way it is. There are times when I need such things and have met people, then met the same people when I was without the chair and they do not remember having hours long conversations with me before. It really sucks.
I have Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus. To boot, I also have Ulcerative Colitis. If that’s not enough for you, I have Bipolar disorder. Isn’t that peachy? Maybe you think “No wonder you’re tired!” but I don’t give myself much of a break because I’ve had most of these things for years and have managed to produce a LOT of art and exhibit in many shows. I am only 43. Why am I now getting so very very tired? I have too many ideas to have this happening right now. I just hope this isn’t the beginning of some relapse. I’ve been in remission for some time. But remission is not all it’s chalked up to be. It’s not like everything is 100% in working order. You never bounce back to your “normal.” You’re always left with residual and daily pain, ups and downs and “Hi, how are ya! I’m a new symptom, pleased to meet ya!”
There’s arthritis, electrical pain, weakness, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, tremors, buzzing, vision problems, depression, stupidity and brain fog, memory lapses, rashes, and pee issues you don’t want to know about. I don’t complain all that much about it, considering, and never to friends, but today, I just feeling like punching a hole in the wall. That is, if I had the fucking energy.