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Who Do I Think I Am?

Ayin Es2 Comments

I want to help artists, but I don’t know how. Especially now. I used to pride myself on being a real big shot when it came to self-promotion, organization, artistic discipline, and building a career in the arts. However, these past few years have put me into a tail spin where I have lost half my representation, made less sales, and produced the least amount of work in 2011. What on earth happened? Can I fully blame the economy? Now I know why it was called “The Depression!” These setbacks have me reevaluating the meaning of success. What qualifies me to help artists that are starting out on their career paths if mine is suffering? Is mine even suffering? I’m going to say NO.

Tuesday of this week I got word that I was rejected from Skowhegan School of Painting and Sculpture. I wanted to attend this residency so badly because it promoted that I would leave there a completely different artist than the one I came in as. Now that I was turned down, I had to think about my desires for wanting to go. Why did I want to be a completely different artist? If I don’t like the artist I am right now, that’s a bad sign. Do I really need to go to Maine to correct that problem? Is that the real problem? It was a little bit more complicated than that. It was more about a multitude of rejections I was internalizing that got me thinking I needed to be a different artist in order to be accepted…

Accepted by whomever was rejecting me at various places I was applying to: Galleries, grants, residencies, etc. How soon I forgot that I won the Pollock-Krasner Fellowship in 2009-2010. That’s nothing to ignore, yet I was feeling like some kind of loser for not getting some other new accolade. That, and a couple of my galleries dropped me, sales were getting bleak, and rejections were rolling in. Suddenly I felt like I had no career.

Then I thought about what advice I would tell another artist if they came to me with these very same woes. I would remind them that the body of work that they have created and all the sales, honors, awards, and acknowledgements they have received throughout their career is theirs for life. It never goes away. And all that, along with the rejection of all the attempts of having tried bravely is a mountain you can stand on top of and be proud of because these are things you accomplished yourself through tooth and nail. So why the hell don’t I feel my own advice? I’m sure as shit qualified to help someone at an earlier stage in art if I can help myself at my own stage, right?

I know I don’t make the most commercial, salable work around. It’s pretty odd and personal, childlike and crude, but besides that, we are in a pretty bad recession. There was a big story on 20/20 about how the Art Market is not suffering, but unless you are Damien Hirst or some other artist in the $20K-$10 Million range, you are feeling it if your work doesn’t appeal to a mass market. The way I see it, for artists like me, it is a time to create, invent, explore, and experiment. If a sale comes, great (I just sold something to a collector in Canada as a matter of fact), but I’m not counting on sales at this time.

What I’d like to do is work on a couple new series for 2012 and exhibit them in 2013 sometime at my LA gallery. I’d also like to help out artists where and if I can.

How can I help you?

Whatever…

Ayin EsLeave a comment

Got word today that it’s a no-go on Skowhegan. I will not be going there this summer. This is the 3rd, wait, make that the 6th residency I’ve been rejected from. More if I’m counting that some of those places declined me twice. I was looking forward to Skowhegan the most in that it was a school. Oh well.

Just so happens that last night I got a great idea for a new series of work. I’ll be busy all summer anyway.

I sat down here to write a really long blog post about things that I feel and that have been going on internally with me, and now I don’t feel like it anymore.

I sold this watercolor the other day:

Carol Es

“Childhood Centerfold,” 2011. 8.5 x 14 inches, Watercolor and ink on paper.

NY Wore Me Down…

Ayin Es3 Comments

Where have I been? It’s hard to believe, but I had pneumonia AGAIN! I just had it in November, and when I got back from NY, I got it again, but worse than I may have ever had it. I wound up in the hospital this time. Oh, it was baaaad. I still have it, but I am much better since I got out of the hospital this past Monday. Tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics and steroids. I was on them via IV while in the hospital for five days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick. I could not breathe. It was terrible. I am never smoking again – so at least that is something very good that has come from all of this.

I smoked practically my whole life, then I quit when I was 29 for a year. I was back on again for four months, then I quit for 10 years. 10 years! You’d think it was totally over, wouldn’t you? But then when my father was dying in hospice, I had such friction with my brother about his care, that the stress drove me to smoking again. I smoked for two months, but quit again before it got real bad. Then three months after that, my mother got into a horrible accident and I started smoking again on the night it happened, and from then on out, I just kept smoking. I quit a couple times, but when she died, I just went back and continued to smoke out of sheer depression. That was two and a half years ago and I’ve had absolutely no excuse other than just being hooked.

Now I am free. I’ve seen the dark side. I now know what it’s like to not be able to breathe, what it must be like for someone with emphysema. I don’t want to wind up like that one day. I actually have asthma. I was a fool to smoke at all. Why do we do stupid shit to ourselves? I have no idea. It felt connected to my personality. Isn’t that so ridiculous? I say that, and it’s so stupid, but I really felt that way. And I know when I feel all the way better, I’m going to have a hard time not incorporating it into my life – mentally (not physically).

But anywho… New York was GREAT! You know, before I got so sick. I felt it coming the very last day I was there. I may have partied a little too hard, but I was alone in NY with three days to do everything I could fit in, and we all know that’s just not enough time. I went overboard. I don’t usually drink, but I drank. I don’t usually stay up late, but I stayed up really late. I don’t usually walk around in 38 degree weather, but I did that too. I don’t usually walk around much at all (I live in Los Angeles after all!) so my legs were starting to collapse near the end of my stay. But I got to see a lot of art and a fair amount of NY that I had not yet seen. This was my 3rd time to NYC. I stayed at my regular place in Chelsea, the Chelsea Lodge – which was so perfect (2 blocks from the gallery).

I had never been to the Lower East Side, so I went there. I had a light dinner with Oriane Stender at a local wine bar and then went to see an art show at Mulherin + Pollard. I have been following Katharine Mulherin’s projects for some years. I’ve bought artwork from her in the past when I saw her at the art fairs. She’s a Toronto dealer. It was nice to see a gallery there in NY with her involved. I found out about it through a fellow artist friend, Brian Novatny, who I show with at George Billis in Los Angeles. He lives in Brooklyn and we hung out a bit in NY while I was there. He has begun to work a bit with Mulherin + Pollard. It was a cool little gallery and the Lower East Side has a nice up-and-coming contemporary art vibe to it, like Chelsea used to have before it got super popular.

A lot of people came to the opening at Denise Bibro, and I met some wonderful peeps, namely Judith Braun from the first season of Work of Art. She is so cool! I talked to her for a long time and really enjoyed her company. I also sat right next to Bill Gusky at dinner, who was in the show with me. He and his wife are cool peoples. And of course Nancy Baker, who made the entire exhibition happen in the first place. She is my Jewish sister and I owe her a giant birthday cake. I love her, and her amazing artwork.

Jeez, I could go on a bunch about NY, but I’d be here all day.

“See, the angels are everywhere.”

Ayin Es1 Comment

That’s what Wanda says in the screenplay Barfly after a bum gives her and Henry a light for a cigarette. Henry replies, “It’s time those fuckers came out of hiding.”

So the most amazing thing happened here a few days ago. The art shipper came to pick up my work that is going to Denise Bibro for Detonate next month, and he turns out to be one of the nicest guys on the face of the earth. We get to talking while we are packing up the paintings in the truck, and many subjects come up. We get to know a little bit about each other and such. He’s an artist himself, a photographer, born in Germany, raised in Israel, lives in Brooklyn with his family… I told him about how this is my first showing in NY, etc. And just as he is about to pull away, he hands back the cash I gave him for his fee and tell me to go to NY so I can be ay my show. He knocked the wind out of me and I of course would not accept it. I regretted telling him I could not afford to go, as I certainly was not expecting him to do such a thing. He pushed and pushed and insisted he wanted to sponsor the trip, and if I sold the work I could pay him back. If I didn’t, then it was a courtesy of his business in shipping for artists. He said he did this at times when he had a full load, and he did.

I was just absolutely stunned, and even in the last seconds as he was closing the door of the truck, he would not allow me to shove the envelope of money back into his jacket pocket. he just kept saying, “No! It makes ME feel good. Don’t Worry about it.”

As he drove away, he rolled the window down and said, “I’ll see you at the opening. I’ll be there!” and he was smiling ear to ear, waiving goodbye.

I was crying, I just could not believe it. And all I did was give him lemons from my tree. I tried to feed him too, because he was very hungry, but he wouldn’t even take water or a banana or anything from me. It was a little frustrating. I told him the way to the best pizza in town however and I hope he went there.

So… I guess I’m going to Chelsea!!!!

The opening is February 2nd 6-8 PM!

Thanks to Shlomo the angel. 🙂

2012

Ayin Es1 Comment

Hi Ho! Welcome to the last year of the Earth! I haven’t posted in a long while, but as you can see, I changed the look of my blog. I went for simple. I had that old look since 2007. In fact, I’ve had the look and design of my website for many more years than that and I’ve been working with MJP on revamping my entire site. This is going to take a bit of time of course, but in the next couple months, be ready for a full on change after a decade of what it’s been.

Change is really hard. I never thought I’d say this, but the older you get, the harder it truly is. I am changing a lot of things this year. This wasn’t some “New Years Resolution” bullshit or anything like that. It’s purely coincidental. I’ve had to reassess my relationships, which was not easy. I’ve had to get my own self-worth in order and realize my goals. Putting things into perspective was like coming out of a burial site. I still have dirt and maggots all over me, but I’m walking up the road trying to find the first service station I can. I can see it in my sights and I’m flicking off the worms and brushing off the dirt…

The last week of 2011 was tough. I had a really hard time getting my act together for the show I am about to install tomorrow morning. Pressing, personal issues tugged at my energy levels and I had to tough it out and chug through it with brut force. Everything is finished, including the ERL site. The specimens are now all FOR SALE and can be purchased with PayPal.

Bioillogical starts tomorrow, with the opening on the 25th. It’s featured on The Huffington Post right now! Then Wednesday, three large pieces are being picked up and shipped to NYC for a show I am in at Denise Bibro Fine Art in Chelsea called Detonate. I’ve also been remiss in calling Andrea Harris about a show I’m participating in at the Frank M. Doyle Arts Pavilion at Orange Coast College in February. I got a lot on my plate. I want to do a couple of installations there. I’ve been wanting to do my blue shirt cuffs forever, so maybe Andrea will allow it.

Also, 2012 is slated for me to work on an entire new body of work. This new work is going to be a lot more abstracted than my most recent work. That’s what I’m going for anyway.

And I’m still working on my book. My Artists’ book, and the novel. Jesus strike me down now!