Shrapnel

What Matters Next?

March 30, 2014March 31, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

What matters next about life, about art, about going forward? Is there any purpose in staying still?

I am a shark. We are all sharks. Aren’t we?

shark

For me, planning is the fun part. Even in the planning, I feel am moving forward.

What I’m trying to get across here is that, whatever you are planning next in your life is important. It matters, whether it is to clean the bathtub, envision your next painting, or visit your grandmother. It moves you forward.

Some people even have the ability to be in the present and enjoy those moments. You guys will have to write a blog post about that and teach me how to do that.

When I stay still, the darkness consumes me. Fear takes over. I don’t know if it does for you. I don’t even know how many are willing to admit it either.

We must move forward, especially when there is loss. Especially when there is death. What is the point in staying still then?

I suppose that’s why I make so many projects for myself.

I know I said a while back that I was no longer going to talk about this on my blog, but today I have been doing a little bit of writing in my book. Not an Artists’ book, but the “big” book. The one I refer to as Shrapnel.

I figured this thing might take a good 10 years before I actually get it done! It’s taking so long because I just don’t have the time. I also don’t have the feeling to work on it everyday. And, in a lot of places, I truly avoid writing about some of the subjects. They are difficult.

Shit comes up and it reminds me that: now I gotta go relive that all over again. And I have to relive it as I am now, which is a lot harder than when I had to go through it back then, if that makes any sense.

When you go through the hard things in your past, it’s not all that hard because somehow, you got through it. You used some kind of coping mechanism. You disassociated through it, or you slithered through by the skin of your teeth, totally unscathed, and then, you moved forward somehow.

So not only did I write out a bit of the hard facts in my book today and relive all that horrible crap, but now I’m going to tell you a little bit about it! Thrice! How’s that for some masochism?

I was writing about one of the many times I moved back to my parents’ house in my early 20s. This particular time, I decided to renovate the garage into a formal art studio, complete with skylights and a loft, halogens, and white walls, bright colored beams and stairs. I wish there was a picture of it. Why didn’t we ever take a picture of it?

Before beautifying it though, there was an enormous amount of junk that was kept in storage in the attic and I had to go through most of it before throwing it away. The garage was also the scene of a horrific crime(s) I had gone through some years earlier in my life, and why I wanted to gut it and live there was pretty strange to begin with.

Anyway, at the time, my thought was that I could live there rent free and save my money to buy my own house. What an idiot I was to think that this plan would actually work! I think it lasted all but four months before I couldn’t stand it any longer, living with my parents that is – even with 100 feet between us – it made absolutely no difference – I became certifiably insane.

However, I sure made a lot of paintings during that time, and that’s how I got through it. That’s how I moved forward.

You know when you do about 20 to 30 paintings, but you’re lucky to get one or two winners out of the bunch? That’s what happened during that time, and this was one of the winners at that time, called Greenman. I wish I had a better picture of it, but it became one of the best paintings I ever did, at the time – like I said. It went to a guy that collected some pretty nice works, so I hope he still has it. It was hanging right near a real Picasso in his dining room last time I checked.

Now I am moving forward by thinking of the new paintings that will be coming. ROCKS! I have been thinking about rocks!

Rocks and Hebrew letters, and I will tell you something else that has been on my mind for the last 72 hours… scaffolding, ropes, railroad ties …and how that can be used in repairing old architecture? These ideas are not yet formed.. But these are the beginnings of something that’s coming.

We’ll see what that’s all about

Sad, Frustrated, Angry, Horrified, Worried, and Freaked Out

March 23, 2014March 23, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

My Aunt Susie is still hanging on! The doctor decided to try five radiation treatments since there were some other medications that seemed to be working somewhat when she was still in the hospital, in hopes it would make her more lucid, specifically about the children. There’s been a whole dilemma about the boys. Now, doctors at hospices do not usually “treat” their patients, but we have some extenuating circumstances here.

I wasn’t going to blog about this, but here I go. It’s one of those stories that no one would ever believe if it weren’t true, so I’m just going to start at the beginning.

My mother only had/has one sibling, my Aunt Susan. My dad was an orphan and the youngest – by far – in his family, and he was born before the Great Depression, so everyone is dead. My point? Susie was really “it.”

She had two kids, my two cousins, Allan and Lisa. I only have one sibling too, my brother Mike. Allan was a little older than Mike; Lisa was a little younger than I.

Allan became estranged from the family. No one knows why, but it’s been well over 20 years.

My aunt adopted one of Lisa’s children who is autistic. He is nine. Lisa and her husband could not take care of him.

They recently had another son a few months ago, but if you have been reading my blog posts, Lisa just died at the end of December, and her husband died a couple of weeks ago.

Susie has been taking care of the baby and the nine year old, even though she had been diagnosed with breast cancer last year and has recently gone through multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and she’s 70!

My brother and I were just out there (Tuscaloosa, Alabama) in November, before Lisa had the baby, and Susie was in remission, but the Wednesday before last, she collapsed. The cancer came back and mastisized all over her brain. The doctors gave her about a week to live.

On that same day, the Department of Human Resources took the boys and called me about where to place them. I gave them my brother’s contact info, but they never contacted him. They told me they were going to have an “emergency hearing” in less than 48 hours, and we were told that a family friend would go to this hearing and take the kids until we could figure out what to do.

But this family friend did not go to the hearing and the boys were placed in a long-term foster family. Now my brother is fighting to get custody. All of this because we could not act fast enough, and because we had no idea that this family friend didn’t go to the hearing.

The state of Alabama won’t do much because they say that we are five steps of kinship away from these kids and they only allow for four (how they figure it that way, I’m not sure. I thought I was a pretty good genealogist too.), otherwise they would work on an interstate guardianship right away. Instead, they are making my brother’s family go through an intensive home study, adoption process that could take up to eight months. Meanwhile, the kids are staying with strangers in a foster home. Our highly autistic nine year old cousin has to go to a completely different school, he is off his routine, and he has no family around. He just lost both his parents and is about to lose his Nana!

The little family I have left is a little bit sad, frustrated, angry, horrified, worried and freaked out.

Okay, More

March 1, 2014March 5, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

I’m back. That only took a few days, But what cha gonna do?

So where was I? Oh yes. C, D, and E, right? That was like, what? Two weeks ago?

Seeing my good friends, Dennis and Jean, was SO nice, I can’t even tell you. That might sound boring to you, but it’s not for me. I don’t carve time like that out for myself hardly ever. It was SO nice. They have a house in Palm Springs, and I didn’t stay there last time. I don’t usually stay at anyone’s house, unless they are like family or something, but they insisted. I took them up on it and I am so glad I did. Dennis is like, well, Dad to me in many, many ways. He is too young to be my dad, but I consider him like a father to me anyway. He’s helped me more than my own father has, mentally/emotionally that is. It was good to spend quality time with him. And Jean is probably the nicest person on the Earth. I really don’t say that flippantly either. She truly is! This woman knitted little slipper-socks for me while I was there.

Dennis is an important character in my book that I’m not supposed to talk about, which I’m not. I just want him to know, if he happens to be reading this, that if it weren’t for him, I don’t know where my head would be right now if he didn’t help me through those first couple years after I broke out of the penitentiary, so thanks. See? Read my book when it comes out and you’ll find out all about how I was on Death Row for a murder I didn’t commit!

Anyways…

I also drove out to Joshua Tree while I was there in Palm Springs, for the purpose of getting some footage for my big Kickstarter campaign – which I am going to launch very, very soon! However, when I got out to JTree (It’s about 40-45 minutes from Palm Springs), and after scouting for a location off the road that would be good enough for sound and aesthetic purposes, a bunch of problems arose.

First, I realized that I forgot the mount for my cam that goes onto the tripod. I had to do a kind of odd balancing act with the cam – and it was windy mind you (it’s the high desert after all!), and in case it fell off the base, I tied the strap to the top of the frame so it would not actually fall into the dirt. Luckily it never fell to even test my contraption.

After the first take after I did a little test to see my distance from the camera, but I got it a bit wrong. The top of my head was slightly cut off, otherwise, it was fine. A little wind noise, but, it worked anyway. I needed to do it again and back up a little. So I did, and it just felt better. I checked it for a sec and everything was good, visually. but, the more I played it, the more I listened and heard that the mic was all fucked up. It was clipping in and out, and it wasn’t because of the wind. It was because the mic was fucked up! It was broken and needed to be taken apart and fixed, and not by me. By a professional. So I was screwed. I drove out there for nothing. But it was half the reason I went out to the desert in the first place! I was so upset, I started to cry. Waaaa Waaaa waaaa.

So that was that.

The next day I was interviewed by this woman who has her own YouTube channel dedicated to art and artists. It’s kinda cool! I don’t know when she is putting it up, but you’ll be the first to know.

Okay, now we’re kinda caught up. Sorta.

I’ve been busy.

I’ve been working on that Artist book. Yes, still. I decided to make more changes, but I won’t bore you with that, because mostly, I’ve been working on my Kickstarter campaign that has to do with my Joshua Tree project that I’ve been squeaking about here and there. You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you?

Well, I’ve been telling you about the path, and I’ve been starting you out on the Kabbalah, and that is where it begins. It begins there with meditations on the Hebrew letters, and the Torah, and the story of Exodus, which leads me to the desert, a lot like Moses. Hence, I wind up in Joshua Tree in a house behind a mountain I’ve been referring to as “my little Mt. Sinai.”

Don’t worry, I will make sure that it will all make sense to you once you wake up. Or was that, once I wake up? Oh, dammit! I forgot now. Where was I?

Something about a path…

From A to E

February 25, 2014February 25, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

Dang IT, dang IT! I have SO MUCH to tell and so little time to tell it in. And I’ve been off of my blog for so long, I don’t even know if I can remember all the little holes I have to fill in since I’ve been away from it all.

Okay, I went to Palm Springs. That was great! I had fun, fun, fun! Why? Because:

a. The Diebenkorn show was beyond phenomenal!

b. Shulamit Gallery participated in the Palm Springs Fine Art Fair.

c. I got to see my very close friends, whom I stayed with while I was there: (Dennis and Jean).

d. I went to Joshua Tree to shoot some Kickstarter footage.

e. A surprise interview happened with Colliding Words TV, a YouTube channel for art and artists!

I think if I stick to from A to E, I will be fine. So here we go:

The Diebenkorn Show

I knew I was going to really like this exhibition, which was why I thought of it as a destination in and of itself, but something very significant happened when I got to the museum.

First of, for some reason, I dressed up. I wore a dress! I never wear dresses. It was for practice I suppose, because I was going to a dinner a couple nights afterward, and I wanted to wear a little black dress that night, so I wore a little blue dress just like it to the museum. I didn’t think I was going to run into anyone, but I ran into Mat and Leigh. That was fine because they are my friends. Even if I looked ridiculous, I would have felt half way comfortable with them, so that was good.

But when I turned the corner to see the first paintings of Richard Diebenkorn’s, oh my God! There were three beautiful abstracts hanging straight away. The one in the middle was the largest of the three, with little poles and wires on the ground so you wouldn’t come within three feet of it. The others had tape on the floor I think, for the same idea. These paintings were perfectly painted. You would not be able to know that from just a picture. You’d have to SEE this in real life.

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Then, I just kept walking through. I saw more abstracts and it just got better. I thought I’d be done at that point, as far as being impressed. I’m not one for figurative, much less still lifes. But Jesus! It kept getting even better! This guy painted EVERYTHING perfectly! I couldn’t believe how in LOVE I was with his brushstrokes, and how much permission he gave me, FOR ME to paint anything I wanted too! What an inspiration! If you missed that show, you’re just nuts!

Okay, so anyway, The Fair. The Fair was great. I was in this fair last year, as some of you might remember, with not so great results, and I’m not talking about sales here. Fuck sales. That’s not what this is about.

I was afraid to go to Palm Spring this time around, honestly. I didn’t want there to be a repeat of last year. I didn’t want a bunch of disappointments, nor did I want to have any expectations – which I didn’t. I don’t think I really had any major ones last year either to be honest. I only wanted my work in the show. That was all I really “expected,” as that’s what I was told. But bygones, and all that. So, this time, I didn’t even expect that – seriously!

When I got to the Shulamit booth, I was very pleasantly surprised. Shula, Anne, and Lauren were there, (wo)manning the booth, which was curated, might I say, superior to every other booth I walked passed on my way to theirs. It was sparse, and very well thought out, capturing subtle coloring from Jona’s photographs, to the veins of Soraya’s sculptures, my And and Not painting, and David’s interactive light piece. It was beautiful!

I think I have to come back later to do C, D and E. I am just so busy with other crap at the moment. Hey, I tried!

Tail End of Houses

July 26, 2013July 26, 2013Ayin EsLeave a comment

It’s getting there. I haven’t been working on it every day like I would want to. I’ve had other things coming onto the front burners now.

I’ve been rearranging the way I’ve been working on my literary book and am almost writing in it again with some enthusiasm, now that the last of the traumatic incidents have been recorded. I’m all about discussing the reorganization and how I’m laying out the first draft, not so much the content, but I am very excited about how I am putting it together.

Secondly, I finally pulled Arctic Memory out and have been making the changes on it I want in a hurry now for a couple of studio visit reasons: I have people coming on August 1st and on August 6th. I will be participating in a group show at USC Hillel that will be curated by Sara Cannon (Director of the Museum Education and Tours Program at the Municipal Art Gallery and Hollyhock House). The other visit is a gallery I’ve been talking to for the last several months.

As for Houses, I finally found those see-through plastic envelopes with the string-tie closure that will actually fit a 6 x 9 inch document – I just don’t know how well it’s going to fit until I bind one and slip it in there. If it’s perfect, this can keep the price down. I had all kinds of ideas about having a custom-made box created for these, which would cost me no less than $45 each plus shipping. Plus, they wouldn’t have hinges. They would be a box you would lay down on a coffee table or something like that. I wouldn’t want you to shelve it, now would I? But we’ll see how it turns out.

I have three pages of eight left to do, and some are already done. Here is the checklist. Some pages have a few steps to them.

Dishes Page:

Draw: 1-8 Done

Holes: 1-8 Done

Linen/Fixatives: 1-8 Done

Sew 1: 1-3 Done

Sew 2: 1-3 Done

First Watercolor Page:

Draw 1-8: Done

Painted: 1-2 Done

Inked: 1 Done

Gouache Page:

Drawn: 1-8 Done

Painted: 1-2 Done

What does all this mean? It means I have 18 pages to do before I start to bind them all together. Time wise, (for the pages), that’s about 106 hours of work left to go. I still plan to release it at the beginning of the fall.

As I have endorsed and promoted before, I have been using Scrivener to organize and write my book in. I can not recommend it with more of my being if you are about to embark on writing anything long. It will make your life so much easier and you will thank me. And no, I don’t work for them.

I am still using the program, but because of the many subjects I was writing about, I was starting to get really bummed out and all but ceased to work on it. I knew I had to write about the troubled stuff in my life, and because I was writing in chronological order, I would begin to dread some of the things that were coming up. I would sometimes pick other areas, since the folders were already laid out before and after, but truly, that wasn’t working for me since my mindset during those times just after was changed substantially.

I began to think about this, and the thoughts I have about myself – just in the last couple of years. I don’t see myself as a victim. I never did, especially the more I grew and the more I became self-aware. Bad things that have happened to me, to us, do not define us as people. And so this chronological list of folders with sub-folders (much like the way your computer files work) seemed so one-dimensional to me. And Scrivener is capable of so much more – like Photoshop!

I have said, as many other people have too, Photoshop is like an onion. You can keep digging and digging into that program and find so many more things that it is capable of doing. If Photoshop can have all those layers, what about a person’s life? And how would you record and organize those layers into a program? It’s quite like a database, which is essentially what Scrivener is: a database program! So I got this idea to assign layers to my life, with the “ID#” or the main layer being Carol the person. That is the constant. What I think. That’s the main layer. Then all the other layers can be built around it and I can move them in and out, and all around the timeline as much as I feel like it.

In essence, this will not so much be a first pass, but more like a true first draft, but I am much further away from being done with it. So that’s the trade off.