Thoughts Archives - Page 67 Of 96

And it Was Good!

April 12, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

Can you believe it? I can’t! I am out of my mind with happiness, excitement flabbergastion, butterflies, gratitude, and more gratitude!!!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

THANK YOU!

And guess what?

I just received a grant for $1000 from the National Arts and Disability Center to help me with the painting leg of my project for when I get back from the desert!

I am blessed all kinda ways!

So I’m going to get right to telling you what comes next. Why wait? I’m excited to reveal it all, aren’t you excited to hear it? We are all part of this thing now, so I figured you’d be interested.

This project officially starts RIGHT NOW! That’s right. The wheels and cogs have been a-turnin’ in my mind throughout the last 30 days during the campaign, and I can’t keep my ideas contained any longer! I want to get to work. I want to keep you abreast. I want you along for the ride.

Now, Kickstarter puts a little hold on the money before it doles it out, but since I have had an Amazon Payments Account for a long time, I think I may not have to wait as long. I will look into that. In the meantime, I will be begin working on everyone’s rewards as soon as humanly possible. Because of the nature of some of the rewards, some of you will be receiving certain ones before others, but don’t worry: ALL WILL BE FULFILLED!

Many of you will begin receiving messages from me about your preferences on some of your rewards, as certain ones, like the À la Dan Kabbalah letterpress prints, allow for the choice of a Hebrew letter. Other rewards will require you sending me an image of the nice person I’m doing a portrait of. Stuff like that. I will be getting to these things over the next week.

I also wanted to let you in on the project website I have been building at ExodusJoshuaTree.com. While it is still a work in progress, I finally have it up “live” so that there is a living “hub” for the project itself. You will also find the official blog on the site where I will be posting on frequently, and especially all the days throughout my stay in Joshua Tree, since the site is mainly for (or begins in) the FIRST leg of my entire project: An Exodus in Joshua Tree.

Also in the news, I will be going to Joshua Tree right away!!! That’s right, I do not waste any time, plus the best time to go is now in the spring while everything is blooming! If all goes as planned, I will be there as soon as the end of this month!

To some up for now, some of you might have noticed that I put up an F.A.Q. at the bottom of the project description – just hours before it ended. I did this because I had been questioned about the title the project a number of times (mostly in person) and would have to explain it all to people one at a time. I figured if people were asking me, then other people must be wondering, so now it’s in writing. So I’m including it in this message, for yucks.

Why did you call this project: “An Exodus in Joshua Tree” if you are going there?

Well, I didn’t foresee this title being complex to others’ ears on the day I created it. All I can say is that it made sense in my head in the moment, and here is why:

I feel that I am about to break out of the shackles of the kind of art-making that I had been doing for so many years.

Basically, over the last year, I’ve gained the tools I need. Now I’m going out from my studio, from Los Angeles, from my fears, from my crutches, my modus operandi, TO Joshua Tree, to wander the desert, to find my new home – within myself, within my art.

That is the exodus.

Thank you all for reading, and thank you ALL for everything!

Stay tuned, and visit the blog often at ExodusJoshuaTree.com/blog

What Matters Next?

March 30, 2014March 31, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

What matters next about life, about art, about going forward? Is there any purpose in staying still?

I am a shark. We are all sharks. Aren’t we?

shark

For me, planning is the fun part. Even in the planning, I feel am moving forward.

What I’m trying to get across here is that, whatever you are planning next in your life is important. It matters, whether it is to clean the bathtub, envision your next painting, or visit your grandmother. It moves you forward.

Some people even have the ability to be in the present and enjoy those moments. You guys will have to write a blog post about that and teach me how to do that.

When I stay still, the darkness consumes me. Fear takes over. I don’t know if it does for you. I don’t even know how many are willing to admit it either.

We must move forward, especially when there is loss. Especially when there is death. What is the point in staying still then?

I suppose that’s why I make so many projects for myself.

I know I said a while back that I was no longer going to talk about this on my blog, but today I have been doing a little bit of writing in my book. Not an Artists’ book, but the “big” book. The one I refer to as Shrapnel.

I figured this thing might take a good 10 years before I actually get it done! It’s taking so long because I just don’t have the time. I also don’t have the feeling to work on it everyday. And, in a lot of places, I truly avoid writing about some of the subjects. They are difficult.

Shit comes up and it reminds me that: now I gotta go relive that all over again. And I have to relive it as I am now, which is a lot harder than when I had to go through it back then, if that makes any sense.

When you go through the hard things in your past, it’s not all that hard because somehow, you got through it. You used some kind of coping mechanism. You disassociated through it, or you slithered through by the skin of your teeth, totally unscathed, and then, you moved forward somehow.

So not only did I write out a bit of the hard facts in my book today and relive all that horrible crap, but now I’m going to tell you a little bit about it! Thrice! How’s that for some masochism?

I was writing about one of the many times I moved back to my parents’ house in my early 20s. This particular time, I decided to renovate the garage into a formal art studio, complete with skylights and a loft, halogens, and white walls, bright colored beams and stairs. I wish there was a picture of it. Why didn’t we ever take a picture of it?

Before beautifying it though, there was an enormous amount of junk that was kept in storage in the attic and I had to go through most of it before throwing it away. The garage was also the scene of a horrific crime(s) I had gone through some years earlier in my life, and why I wanted to gut it and live there was pretty strange to begin with.

Anyway, at the time, my thought was that I could live there rent free and save my money to buy my own house. What an idiot I was to think that this plan would actually work! I think it lasted all but four months before I couldn’t stand it any longer, living with my parents that is – even with 100 feet between us – it made absolutely no difference – I became certifiably insane.

However, I sure made a lot of paintings during that time, and that’s how I got through it. That’s how I moved forward.

You know when you do about 20 to 30 paintings, but you’re lucky to get one or two winners out of the bunch? That’s what happened during that time, and this was one of the winners at that time, called Greenman. I wish I had a better picture of it, but it became one of the best paintings I ever did, at the time – like I said. It went to a guy that collected some pretty nice works, so I hope he still has it. It was hanging right near a real Picasso in his dining room last time I checked.

Now I am moving forward by thinking of the new paintings that will be coming. ROCKS! I have been thinking about rocks!

Rocks and Hebrew letters, and I will tell you something else that has been on my mind for the last 72 hours… scaffolding, ropes, railroad ties …and how that can be used in repairing old architecture? These ideas are not yet formed.. But these are the beginnings of something that’s coming.

We’ll see what that’s all about

Almost Didn’t

March 13, 2014March 13, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

I almost didn’t launch my Kickstarter last night. I was actually fixin’ to launch earlier in the day.

I went out to lunch with Ellie Blankfort. Always filled with such joy and learning for me when I see her. What can you say about a friend that leaves you feeling more and more healed every time?

When I got home, there were a bunch of messages on my voice mail – never a good sign since I usually have none. And they all came from Alabama where my Aunt Susie lives. My Aunt Susie, whom, last I checked, was in full remission after five rounds of chemo for stage 4 breast cancer. It was some kind of miracle.

I’ve probably mentioned this story about how my brother and I went out to see her days after we received this news and, what we thought was going to be a trip of “goodbyes,” wound up being a trip about celebration. We were able to see her and my cousin Lisa – eight and a half months pregnant – her husband, and my little 2nd cousin Damon.

But not just six weeks after we left, Lisa overdosed and died, leaving her brand new baby boy, Samuel, her other son, Damon, her husband Tim, and my aunt (her mother), Susie, all in wake – not to mention my brother and I. It was a shock. Then again, it wasn’t.

Yesterday, the messages I received were even worse. Susie is in the hospital. The cancer has spread to her brain. No longer able to respond, I am the one to decide on life support. Also, the boys are in Child Protective Services and there is going to be a 72 hour hearing about their placement on Friday at 10:am. The kids will either be going to their other grandparents, or my brother’s family – and who can make a decision like this under such time constraints?! But a decision needs to be made or else they are going into foster care.

On top of that, I find out that Tim died last Thursday. No one knows how exactly, but we can all only guess.

By the time the night came, exhausted from crying and making about 1000 phone calls, I just pushed the “launch” button. Susie wouldn’t want me to hold up my work, and for who knows how long this can all drag on? The work was already done. The button just needed to be pressed and I can go back to making all my phone calls. Maybe it’s inappropriate, but I need the distraction in all honesty. She is the last of my immediate relatives (besides my brother).

So this morning we are moving her to a hospice facility. She will be gone any day, any time, any moment. She has an older granddaughter that keeps coming to see her, but she says Susie is just sleeping peacefully, and there is no way my brother, nor I, can make it out to Tuscaloosa now. All I can do is place others around her and hope she knows I am putting all her interests in place.

Something on the Horizon!

March 10, 2014March 10, 2014Ayin Es2 Comments

I’ve been working my ass off lately. Now, I’m positive that when people do “normal” things in their life, they don’t feel like they are working their “ass off,” but I sure do. I feel like my ass is missing if I just go to the store, or take a shower, or, like today, make a circle in the dirt.

That’s right. I made a circle in the dirt. And that wiped me out! So much, that I came back inside and passed out for an hour.

When I got up, I went back outside and started to fill the circle with rocks and planted a few tiny cacti around the outside of the circle. And all of that business did not make me feel nearly as tired as building that circle in the first place!

I just thought you all should know that.

Oh, before I move on to the next deal-o, I finally met Gregg Chadwick, fellow blogger, who has also had his blog up from since to DAWN OF TIME! I met him at one of Peter Clothier‘s One Hour/One Painting sessions at Rosamund Felson’s Gallery. This was on one of Marcia Roberts‘ paintings. It was an incredible experience. First of all, I had never actually done one of these with Peter, I’m ashamed to say – because I know him and I just haven’t put my ducks in line to get my ass into gear to go to one. He does these things frequently and I highly recommend doing it – on a painting you admire OR NOT! Because that doesn’t even matter. I had such a wake up call, and I am someone who believes in that saying …I think it was Agnes Martin, who said something about only needing a chair with a painting? Somebody should comment and let me know what that quote is. But my point is that I am a keen observer of paintings anyway.

But anyway, Gregg Chadwick was there and he is lovely, and I was so happy to meet him in de flesh. And now I think he might join Artists’ Matters – possibly. He’s going as my guest tomorrow night and we’ll see what happens. Check out his paintings here.

Okay, so also, I have been spending an enormous amount of time putting my Kickstarter campaign together. Yup! I am about to launch one! Any time now. You’ll see. Buckle up. This one is going to big, and I am going to be talking about this a LOT, so I certainly hope I do not become overly annoying. I mean, more annoying then I already am, but I truly need to raise funds for this goal, so bear with me. It is a very important project that I very much hope you will be able to back me on, in any way you can. Even your nice thoughts will work!

I have spent the last three weeks, and I kid you not, working on this thing, non stop! When you see it, you’ll think to yourself, How on Earth did that take her three weeks? I could have done that on my coffee break!

Well, you most certainly could have! Most people, and most eight year-olds could have done the video in about the same time the video is, which I think is something like four minutes. So, that’s the amount of time it would have take most people who know how to use an iPhone.

But apparently, I like to do things in the hardest way possible – but listen – I swear – never on purpose!

I happen to have a Sony DCR-TRV9000. If you know what that is, it was like the first tier “handicam” that was created to make HD motion pictures. You could actually make a real “Sundance” film on this thing. Not the best one ever, but it would pass. I got it for a steal a while ago, when I had this great plan to film my family and make a controversial film about how fucked up they were. My inspiration for that was most definitely: Tarnation. If you have never seen that – it is a masterpiece!

Oh, now…I guess I’m getting into the story a bit, but I’ll give you the short version.

Once I got the cam in my hands, everything changed. I had always made fun of my family in my art, but as soon as I watched it from that cam… Let’s just say I had what you call, a

Well, it was 2007 and I had a nervous breakdown. Okay?

There. Because of this camera.

And so, it sat in the bag for years! I didn’t touch it. But then I had this new idea for a project that required video. I said, Hey, I have a great cam! And I pulled it out and drove out to Joshua Tree, and low and behold, the mic started to clip, until it was just broken. I was trying to do my Kickstarter video there. It would have taken a few minutes. A take or two at the most!

I figured, I’d pull the footage off and narrate over it, but then there was no firewire to connect to the computer. I ordered one, and that didn’t work. Finally, I was so frustrated, I filmed the footage from the television on another camera and thought it looked kinda “cool.” (Not!)

When I went to narrate, I had no microphone at all. The one on my laptop was shit. So I had to buy a new one.

This is getting boring, but do you see how all this got to be three weeks?

Anyway, don’t count on three weeks equaling a great production. It’s the dorkiest thing I think I’ve ever made, but I do hope you’ll be excited about my project. So stay tuned!

Okay, More

March 1, 2014March 5, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

I’m back. That only took a few days, But what cha gonna do?

So where was I? Oh yes. C, D, and E, right? That was like, what? Two weeks ago?

Seeing my good friends, Dennis and Jean, was SO nice, I can’t even tell you. That might sound boring to you, but it’s not for me. I don’t carve time like that out for myself hardly ever. It was SO nice. They have a house in Palm Springs, and I didn’t stay there last time. I don’t usually stay at anyone’s house, unless they are like family or something, but they insisted. I took them up on it and I am so glad I did. Dennis is like, well, Dad to me in many, many ways. He is too young to be my dad, but I consider him like a father to me anyway. He’s helped me more than my own father has, mentally/emotionally that is. It was good to spend quality time with him. And Jean is probably the nicest person on the Earth. I really don’t say that flippantly either. She truly is! This woman knitted little slipper-socks for me while I was there.

Dennis is an important character in my book that I’m not supposed to talk about, which I’m not. I just want him to know, if he happens to be reading this, that if it weren’t for him, I don’t know where my head would be right now if he didn’t help me through those first couple years after I broke out of the penitentiary, so thanks. See? Read my book when it comes out and you’ll find out all about how I was on Death Row for a murder I didn’t commit!

Anyways…

I also drove out to Joshua Tree while I was there in Palm Springs, for the purpose of getting some footage for my big Kickstarter campaign – which I am going to launch very, very soon! However, when I got out to JTree (It’s about 40-45 minutes from Palm Springs), and after scouting for a location off the road that would be good enough for sound and aesthetic purposes, a bunch of problems arose.

First, I realized that I forgot the mount for my cam that goes onto the tripod. I had to do a kind of odd balancing act with the cam – and it was windy mind you (it’s the high desert after all!), and in case it fell off the base, I tied the strap to the top of the frame so it would not actually fall into the dirt. Luckily it never fell to even test my contraption.

After the first take after I did a little test to see my distance from the camera, but I got it a bit wrong. The top of my head was slightly cut off, otherwise, it was fine. A little wind noise, but, it worked anyway. I needed to do it again and back up a little. So I did, and it just felt better. I checked it for a sec and everything was good, visually. but, the more I played it, the more I listened and heard that the mic was all fucked up. It was clipping in and out, and it wasn’t because of the wind. It was because the mic was fucked up! It was broken and needed to be taken apart and fixed, and not by me. By a professional. So I was screwed. I drove out there for nothing. But it was half the reason I went out to the desert in the first place! I was so upset, I started to cry. Waaaa Waaaa waaaa.

So that was that.

The next day I was interviewed by this woman who has her own YouTube channel dedicated to art and artists. It’s kinda cool! I don’t know when she is putting it up, but you’ll be the first to know.

Okay, now we’re kinda caught up. Sorta.

I’ve been busy.

I’ve been working on that Artist book. Yes, still. I decided to make more changes, but I won’t bore you with that, because mostly, I’ve been working on my Kickstarter campaign that has to do with my Joshua Tree project that I’ve been squeaking about here and there. You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you?

Well, I’ve been telling you about the path, and I’ve been starting you out on the Kabbalah, and that is where it begins. It begins there with meditations on the Hebrew letters, and the Torah, and the story of Exodus, which leads me to the desert, a lot like Moses. Hence, I wind up in Joshua Tree in a house behind a mountain I’ve been referring to as “my little Mt. Sinai.”

Don’t worry, I will make sure that it will all make sense to you once you wake up. Or was that, once I wake up? Oh, dammit! I forgot now. Where was I?

Something about a path…