Late last week I did a mini-doc for GroundworkARTS. They came to my studio to shoot it, so I had to rearrange everything in my space to accommodate the video we were making.
We were concentrating on my mixed media collage pieces (the Rock & Refuge series), and I did a little demonstration of how I made them.
The videos are shown to teaching artists and students in K-6 public schools here in the Morongo Basin. From there, the students get to make a collage project of their own. It’s a pretty cool program that I’m psyched to be part of. The new aerial pieces I’m making had to be put on hold for this, but I don’t mind. I had to put the big one and the medium one into the garage for a bit because my room had to be filled with mixed media pieces. I’ll put it back into the studio shortly. It sure needs to get finished so I can get my space back.
After the video shoot, I had a fun and eventful Friday night. Hannah and I went to a queer game night with some new friends. We got introduced to yet more desert artists thanks to my friend Niki Ford. Among them were Sarah Lyon and Jmy James Kidd. I even learned how to play Texas Holdem and a few other games. I stayed up later than I have in years. Of course, I still got up early the next day, because my body is just programmed to. My eyes pop open before 5:00 am no matter what. But I caught a little nap later in the day.
It was different for me to “go out.” Not just because of Covid but for a lot of reasons. Depression, confidence, anxiety, and more. I just haven’t been up for it. Maybe it was mainly fear backed by the former.
It was definitely for all those reasons before my surgery. It’s been mostly about my weight issues ever since. Now that I’ve been slowly losing pounds again, I should be back to where I was a bit before my one-year surgery anniversary.
I was in a pretty good spot right after I got home last April. I probably gained a couple of pounds in those 10 days of recovery up north. In San Francisco, there wasn’t a scale, so I had no idea what I weighed and paid zero attention to my calorie intake. When I got home and weighed myself, I was 20 pounds over my goal. That seemed so hopeful, like my target was definitely within reach, especially since I’d already conquered more than twice that over the previous year. I can’t believe how I let myself down after that. Over the following eight months, I gained half of it back. I can understand a couple of months of being bad, but I went way too far after that. As my mother would say, it’s “unacceptable.”
That word reels in my brain about my weight constantly. It did when I was a pound or two over my lowest weight range, and it does today, even worse. If I got up to 104 or 105, my mom would start making comments. In fact, she’d complimented me on how great I looked laying in a hospital bed under 100 pounds. I knew she was sick in the head and I never did have dysphoria about my weight. I knew I was underweight and I knew I could still stand to gain another 20+ pounds when I was 103. I’d still be healthy. But it was all so “unacceptable” to her.
I guess that was why I gained so much after she died? I have no idea. It certainly was easier to be fat not having her around to make me feel worse.
Anyway, I’m doing well on this Noom thing. Of course, it’s not going nearly as fast as I’d like it to go, but I’m still proud of myself for making much better life choices. And I’m impressed with myself for going out on Friday, doing something social, and letting myself be seen. That’s a really big deal.
Oh. Yesterday, the paperwork for my legal name change was returned to me because I was missing some forms. Fuck! I’m a bit pissed off about it because all this time I thought this was being processed. Today I’m downloading the new forms and will even drop them into the courthouse deposit box before the end of today. Hopefully, it will resume ASAP. Oh well. It’s only the first step to all the other hoops I will have to jump through. I’m watching Hannah deal with all that right now: changing her drivers’ license, bank accounts, credit cards, online logins, etc. Not to mention the year it took her to get a damn Social Security card! I’m not looking forward to it, but I am glad to legally be Ayin.