Opening the Door

A few days back, I photoshopped pictures of myself and how I would look with different lines across my chest. I was trying to see if I could get used to the curved, inverted V-line thing, and Sinclair would probably do the best job at that, honestly.

But when I go back to all the before and after pics on the Gender Confirmation site, I can’t help how I feel. People with chests that used to be like mine now somehow have straight scars. How did they do that? It just seems like magic. 

I don’t know how they do it, but they seem to be able to, which makes me feel hopeful. Excited. I only wish they weren’t located in San Francisco.

However, I realized I need to get used to the idea of going to SF. For me, getting used to that is better than getting used to the inverted V-line concept. In my heart of hearts, it’s the risk I want to take, even if it doesn’t turn out exactly as I wish. 

So, now I have to wait a little longer. At least until February 20th, which falls on a Sunday. That means IEHP will probably take it to Monday the 22nd to give me an answer. If they deny the appeal, I’ll split the cost on a couple of credit cards, and I’ll have to deal with it. Though I wonder if I could fight it in a hearing to get reimbursed? Probably not.

I’m shooting to schedule the surgery around March 15th. Hopefully, I can get an actual date so I can make all the necessary plans. 

In the meantime, I’ve been doing a little bit of drawing again. And I lost a few pounds already. Weight-wise, I’m almost back to where I was. I can start again from where I left off, but I’m still five pounds behind my original goal. Quitting smoking was a bitch, and remains to be extremely difficult for me. But it’s only been a little over five weeks since I last fucked up. And I have to keep going. Even one cigarette can impede upon the surgery and healing.

These last few weeks have been some of the hardest. Making decisions, in general, was like pulling teeth. I couldn’t even decide which drawing I wanted to put on which surface, but now I’m sure. Being uncertain is like being in the darkest room, looking for the exit door. I can finally feel the door handle, and it’s finally turning. Now I want to have something to look forward to and get back to work. 

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