If top surgery and all it entails grosses you out, do not read further. I’m about to disclose a lot of personal information here…

So, as previously stated, I have applied for a couple of transgender surgery grants, and I applied for one more today that would pay for a partial amount. There’s a reason I’m doing this. The one surgeon in my insurance network, despite him being a trans-specialist, won’t give me the exact surgery I want. I’ve asked him three times now, and he’s pretty adamant about making the incisions curved. That is the last thing I want. So this is my biggest issue.

I want my scars to heal at straight, parallel lines. I wouldn’t even mind if they were slanted angles, as long as I don’t have two smiley faces under where my boobs used to be that are shaped–just like boobs! I think I would be devastated left like that. 

I’ve talked to the surgeon a few times about this. He has logical reasons for doing it this way, but I believe it’s mostly based on the fact that he hasn’t really done surgeries on nonbinary people. He has done female-to-male surgeries–making incisions along the infra-mammary lines under the breasts to create a masculine chest. Therefore, they are always curved.

He also has never done this surgery without nipple grafts, and not to freak anyone out, but I don’t want that either. Believe it or not, there are thousands of nonbinary people, even FTM trans people without nipples. And, of course, cancer patients that don’t have them either. I do not want them. I hate them and want them GONE! I always have. I can always tattoo nipples later, but I wouldn’t do that either. I actually plan to have a large tattoo across my chest once I heal. 

This surgeon had no issues about not doing the nipple grafts. He felt confident about that. It’s a much easier operation, and at least 1/4 of these surgeries with the grafts don’t even “take.” Not to be disgusting, but they fail and fall off! Plus, the surgery for this is way more painful. Nipple sensation is all but lost as well. But I don’t want sensation anyway–one of the many reasons I don’t want them anymore. I hate that too.

None of this is anyone’s business. It’s TMI, and it’s probably disturbing for most people to read about, but here I am writing about it because I’m fed up with talking to other plastic surgeons that have spent at least 20 minutes of our consultations lecturing me about how I will never be able to change this “important” decision. Yes, I know that genius. I am 52 years-old. I think after 20-30 years, I know what decision I’m making. Sometimes, I’m older than these doctors. It’s a little insulting.

But, I’m talking about the (mostly) crappy doctors in my network. When I talk to trans-specialist doctors (where I’d have to pay cash), they don’t blink an eye because they know all about nonbinary people who opt-in for this sort of thing. They have done these surgeries countless times, and it’s not such a rare decision to make.

So now, I either have to somehow talk this one surgeon into changing the incisions, or I have to put this surgery on my credit card. Or, win one of the grants. A couple of these granting organizations require you, or at least ask you to fundraise part of the money. However, I can’t do that. I know many friends that have Go Fund Me campaigns going for their ailments, cancer, surgeries, and whatnot, but I’m not allowed to do this. I’m actually on disability for both Lupus and mental illness, so I’d lose all my medical benefits. That shit counts as “earned income,” and it would immediately disqualify me. So a credit card it would have to be, and I’d be looking at paying off about $10,000. A grant would pay the doctor’s office directly, and I wouldn’t touch the money.

So that’s the story. Today (Friday), I’m going to try to make a new, in-person appointment with Dr. Sinclair to see if I can talk him into changing the incision marks, bring pictures, and hope I can get him to change his mind. Otherwise, I have to cancel him out, unfortunately. It’s too bad because I like him and he was willing to do the surgery as an in-patient procedure–something most of these surgeons don’t do. I feel safer doing it in the hospital because I’m on immune-suppressants for my auto-immune disorders that I can’t go off of. 

Other than that…all is well., but back to art.