I saw the neurosurgeon yesterday, and unfortunately, I don’t have that much new information. I liked him okay. He was a plethora of information, really. But I won’t know how we are going to address the aneurysm until after a CTA (Computed tomography angiography). This next part is gross and it may make you weak in the knees.

A CTA uses an injection of contrast and CT scanning to help evaluate blood vessel disease or related conditions, such as aneurysms. The doctor wants clearer images to see if it has grown at all since the last scan. He says that, as it is now, it’s on the cusp of being large enough to treat it immediately. However, he says the risk of rupture is pretty low. If it’s growing even a little, I will definitely need to do one of a couple of procedures—endovascular coiling or a cranial surgery (clipping), both of which I would have to be awake for. (I’d be somewhat sedated, though). 

The CTA is similar to the first procedure (coiling) in that a catheter is guided through a blood vessel from the groin, up to the brain, and into the aneurysm. Doesn’t that sound like fun? 

Now I’m waiting for my insurance to authorize the CTA. Then, I will need another authorization to do whichever procedure, if any. But I don’t know if it’s all that safe to leave it alone, especially without having daily panic attacks. Because of my insurance, there’s just a lot of waiting involved in this, and for all of my healthcare, so I shouldn’t be surprised. 

If this situation is my choice as to whether I do any procedure, I have to think pretty carefully about it. If I don’t do anything, they will “watch it” and give me another scan in a year. Would I want to walk around for a year knowing it could rupture? If it did, I could either be left extremely disabled (like from a stroke) or die. Maybe I should look at it this way: that could happen to any of us, especially without knowing you have a large (or any) aneurysm in the first place. I could be hit by a bus, and it wouldn’t matter if I was at any risk of rupture. I mean, anyone can just die or have a stroke. There’s no real warning of these things or any guarantees in this life. Would I be able to just forget about it and go on with my life? I don’t know the answer to that just yet. I guess, like the doctor, I need more information. I think I will probably leave it up to him. His medical advice and not just how I “feel.” 

In the meantime, my brother is now in hospice. I would go say goodbye to him, but I literally can’t afford to go out there right now. Every time I’ve gone out (alone), it’s been a minimum of $500. I could try to find a place to stay for just one night, but I’m not in a position to pay for that either, not without going into debt more. If Hannah drives, the amount doubles because of the dog. We don’t like to board her, so we would have to take her with us, which means needing a bigger place with a yard, pet fees, and a 2-night minimum, not to mention food and gas. I don’t mean to sound like an ice-cold asshole, but if I have to go into that much debt, I’d rather show up to the funeral to support his kids. I definitely can’t do both. Knowing that, his wife is going to think I’m even more of an asshole. But since she already thinks that of me, what’s the difference? Even if I came out to see him now, and showed up again for the funeral, there’d be no changing that fact. She wouldn’t understand the no money “excuse.” They don’t worry about such things since they’re wealthy. 

So, to stop me from thinking about my brother and aneurysms, I’m trying to work. I’m pretty close to finishing the self-portrait, Sucker. The mouth needs more smearing and the jacket needs doing.

I’m also close to getting the first half of the Guggenheim application squared away. I think both the Statement of Plans and the Career Narrative is very close to being done. Now I have to start picking twenty images out that represent my whole career, and that is super difficult.

Next up is a new painting of my mother and me. No title yet, but the working title is Frisbee Cake. I’m done with the drawing that will be transferred onto a 16 x 20-inch birch wood panel. I’m excited to paint the sunflowers. I don’t think I’m ever too excited to paint people. It’s not really my jam. I only like it after it’s done and over with.

Until next time…I will try to have better news then, or at least more news.