The World Did Not End

It’s three days before the end of 2012 and I think it’s safe to say that the world is not coming to an end. That is, unless North Korea does something stupider than usual. But for now, we are here. Life goes on. Death, a passing phase left for those of us that accept it, deny it, embrace it, or fear it.

I haven’t posted a blog post in ages because I have been so busy with new things. I finally managed to finish all the pages for the new, upcoming artist book I am doing with Neil Farber from Chance Press, but I have to withhold most of the images until the book comes out. However, I can show you this one:

In Other News...

“In Other News…” Watercolor and ink on Arches, 7 x 10 inches.

I did this back on the day after the election. It actually comes from a journal entry. Want to read it?

Hundreds of little volcanoes erupted this morning when Michael accidentally erased the databases that run on all our websites. Luckily, there is an old back-up that can save us the trouble of rebuilding, but there are three months of work completely destroyed. In other news, Obama is still the president. Prayers have been answered, but not with the House of Representatives. Barack waited until the wee hours of the morning to finally give his speech and I wondered about how it was possible for the crowd to continue to be enthusiastic, waiving their little flags, for hours on end. They must feel a lot happier about the election than I’ll ever be. Or maybe it is the sociology of the crowd. It reminds me of the religious beliefs I used to have, and do not have now. Ignorance is bliss. They say that for a reason. However, I do miss the confidence and the feeling of being powerful back then. Now I see how empty that was though. A lemming I was. I am more human than I ever was, and perhaps braver than I ever was. I have survived a lot and I can say with certainty that I like me better than ever. As I am building self-worth, I see how far I have come and how far I still need to go i.e. taking better care of myself – of my person. I don’t know why I don’t. I know I’m worth the effort, but I am lazy. Now would be a good time to begin taking care of myself, but the commitment still seems nearly an impossible task. What happened to how eloquently I used to write? Where are my metaphors and my poetic, ethereal finesse? It’s like an atrophied muscle. I haven’t used it in quite some time. A tiny morsel is still there, smoldering. Waiting.

I write some weird ass stuff sometimes.

I’ve also been working on some new oil paintings, here are a few…

Forgotten Place

“Forgotten Place,” oil on canvas, 20 x 16 inches.

walkabout

“Ruminant Walkabout,” oil on linen, 20 x 20 inches.

not

“The Adequacy of And and Not,” oil on canvas, 36 x 36 inches.

runawayboxweb

“Runaway Box,” oil on birch panel, 20 x 20 inches.

twogirlsredux2

“Two Girls Redux,” oil on birch panel, 20 x 20 inches.

I suppose those are a lot of paintings. Now that I post them, I see how much I’ve been working lately. I never usually even see that. I feel like I’m so lazy, but I’m not.

What else is new?

I am going to be in a group show at George Billis Gallery next month. The theme has something to do with toys, but I don’t know what the show is called yet. I am also going to be in a very important show at the Hebrew Union College at USC, which is called, “Intersecting Paths: Art & Healing.” I will have several pieces in this exhibit that tell stories about various ways I have overcome some hardships, as will all of the other artists in the show.

I suppose I am saving the best for last because I am probably more excited about this than just about anything else, which is the fact that MJP and I have been working on a new website for esart for well over a year now and it will finally be launching the first week of 2013! My site has not been updated for more than 12 years. It has had its same look all of that time, and in “web years,” that is a long fucking time. Soon my website will have a whole new look, plus new features that will knock your socks off! I plan to thoroughly promote the hell out of it as it launches, so you will not hear the end of this announcement here. It will go on and on for a few weeks at least. It’s been a long time planning and coding. Oy vhey, the coding!

Anyway, stay tuned.

Announcement!

I have been working on 16 pages for this new book with one of my all-time favorite artists, Neil Farber. The 17th page is a collaborative piece that we both worked on. Each of us are doing about 16 pages in watercolor, gouache, and ink. Chance Press, who published Scribbles in a Sandstorm, is making all this possible and I am so very excited to finally have the green light to announce the forthcoming book, simply titled “Neil Farber | Carol Es.”

Where I’m At

Just touching base to let you know where I am on the new Chance Press book. I have to do a total of 19 pieces for this thing, and as of now, I have 5 1/2 to go. I’m very nearly done with the page I am working on now. It’s 16 pages in all, plus a collaborative piece, a small 5″ x 5″ and one that is just pen and ink. The pages are each 7 x 10 inches and they are mostly watercolor and ink with a little bit of colored pencil on some. God, I wish I could show some of them off, but I can’t. I’ve also been working on my new website and I can’t show any of that either until it launches in full. I am really hoping that will be by January 1, 2013.

Other than that, I’ve been actually having a little bit of a difficult time with approaching a newer direction with my paintings. I say that, but maybe I’m not having a hard time at all, I just think I am. I have about four mapped out – I just always worry about the idea of running out of concepts. This is something I have always had going on, but I don’t ever run out of ideas, so I don’t know why I worry about that at all. It’s stupid is what it is.

What else is new? I have been going to art shows. I should have mentioned them right after I saw them, but I didn’t. The best one was Leigh Salgado at Coagula Curatorial. I also saw Richard Bruland‘s solo show at Lora Schlesinger, and Ed Moses at Patrick Painter. Richard’s show was beautiful. He always does wonderful work. And there were a few amazing things at the new gallery that opened in Venice at Shulamit Gallery. The space there is simply stunning. A lot of stairs though. It just keeps going up and up and up with little rooms and galleries on each floor. Very creative space. Some of the work was truly inspiring, but I don’t really know which artist did what. I was taken with the photography most of all. I saw a few other shows too, but I guess they are not worth mentioning. No offense to the artists. Oh, I did like Gary Baseman‘s show in Chinatown. It was not his paintings though. It was all his reference materials and collection of old photographs and I really enjoyed that.

I am trying to get my “Little Sister” to come to a contemporary art museum with me. I have to talk her into it because she hasn’t had the best experience with museums in the past. I want to take her to the Blues for Smoke show at MOCA. I hope to see it with her on December 2nd.

NOT So Vulnerable

I have been keeping a kind of journal/sketchbook in recent months, where I write my candid feelings in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way. Then I am supposed to draw what I wrote. I didn’t draw anything for today yet, but I wrote the 300+ words it usually takes to fill up the page. Why I share these things, I have no idea.

13 November, 20012. 11:AM

I think I am depressed. Not so depressed I can’t move. Just beneath the surface. I feel like I am about to drown. The water is rising, but I am not moving. Decision making freezes me in place. I feel indifferent in rooms filled with laughter, like I am in my own secret bubble. I am not special in this way. It just feels like I am because I am wide-eyed aware of my place amongst others. I do a lot of things that make others happy, but I can never please them. I don’t do what I want because I’m unaware of what that is. Sometimes I know, but usually I don’t. I don’t listen to myself as I should. The glow of the sun is in my eyes and I don’t care about the rules of not staring into it. I allow it because I am disregarding myself. How ridiculous. It is ridiculous because I do what I want every day of my life. I make my own rules. I create my own realities, yet I feel this way. Why? Just seems ridiculous, like I need permission or something. Permission to do what? I guess to do what I want. I need to find out what it is I want. Why is that so difficult. I am making it hard for I don’t know what reason. Perhaps it is just a familiar place where I am most comfortable – insecurity. I’d like to be done with it. Life is too short and I am too old to keep going along like this. Any decision is better than no decision. I need to let the chips fall where they may. Make mistakes. Take a risk. THAT is the risk. THAT is the challenge. It is no bigger than that. Make any decision and allow it to fall into whatever depths or heights it will. So be it. I’m strong enough for anything.