Even with my brand new air conditioning unit in my studio, it just doesn’t seem to cut it in this extreme heat wave we’ve been having. Yesterday and today it’s well above 100 degrees and it’s not been fun. Yesterday I was nauseous and had a headache all day, and I tried to drink as much water as I could. I probably shouldn’t have been outside though. I had to drive to the San Fernando Valley, and that was just idiotic. By the time I got home, I’d already melted.
Books
Day 18
I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 18 days. You’d think I’d be proud of myself, but all I want is to smoke a cigarette. Still, I haven’t yet and I’m just getting by day by day so far. In fact, I have been pretty holed up in my house so I won’t go out and buy a pack. I’ve been doing that on purpose, but the other day I was able to go out and see the Eva Hesse movie with a few of my friends in Santa Monica.
Booked
I’m awake early this morning. I was having nightmares again. I have nightmares quite a lot actually. It’s the story of my life. I’m kind of used to them. This time I wasn’t able to go back to sleep though. My arm was being munched on by a giant coyote with the mouth the size of a crocodile, and my arm was still physically hurting after I woke up out of the dream for a good while. So weird. I woke myself up because I was calling out for my dad of all people. I guess he was the only person that I knew for sure had a shotgun. But he either never showed up, or I woke up before he could save me.
Realizations, Anyone?
I just finished up this little ditty called Buzzard’s Roost. I guess it’s not that little though. It’s 24 x 24 inches:
Transition
I often have dreams about places I’ve lived, studios I’ve had. They are mixed up in my head and sort of blended together, and I’m usually moving in the dream. Sometimes I am in the middle of the two places, a lot of times Michael and I are splitting up. I suppose we dream about what we fear the most. Sometimes we are just separated because someone has to stay in one of the houses while in transition. Somebody has to stay and paint the new place, spackle the holes in the old place — something like that.
Anyway, all this cleaning out the studio, and thinking about how to fit everything in some future home had me thinking I guess – had me dreaming, and worrying – about transitions.
I am getting ready for my big trip and it is going to be all about transition. It’s actually starting to scare me a little. Sometimes when I’m scared of something, I look it up in the dictionary. Defining it usually takes the “heavy” significance out of it for me. It gives me a sense of control or something, but this time it more or less scared the shit out of me more!
tran·si·tion
[tran-zish–uh n, –sish-]
noun
1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another;change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.
Yup! That about sums it up! That’s what the plan is. That’s exactly what I was setting out to do.
So why would I get cold feet?
Okay, it’s not cold feet. Believe me, I am excited and I am so looking forward to it. I’m just a little scared. Mostly… curious.
I think I love that the word “passage” is in the definition. Yeah. I like it. Passage… Like I will come out of this a new artist, a new person. Hopefully, an improved one. But we’ll see. You know, that’s all about confidence? It really is. Because there’s no such thing as being a “good” artist. Not really.
In other news, I have a few pictures of how Monographie is looking. See?
They are not the greatest photos on Earth, but it’s a little peek for you. At least I’m giving you something! Jeez, stop complaining.
Here’s the front:
And the back. (Clever, eh?)
I think it’s looking pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty lovely. Don’t you think? Don’t you want one?
The inside is even better! (Horn tootin’!)