Kvetches

From a Distance

March 17, 2014March 17, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

So the past few days I’ve been on the fence – do I go to Tuscaloosa? Do I not?. I’m confused.

As it stands now, there’s quite a few people coming in to see my Aunt Susie at the hospice facility. It sounds like a wonderful place.

I don’t know, if you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing in my blog – especially since I have this great Kickstarter Campaign happening, it’s because I really don’t know what to say at the moment. It doesn’t mean I’m not excited about my project. I totally am! I’m just also dealing with this thing with my aunt too, and I don’t feel much like writing to anybody, if that makes sense.

You know when you just want to be alone with your thoughts? I’m usually so up for sharing mine, but just not right now. Not about what I’m feeling right now. Not tonight, in this moment.

Lately, I have been just diving, no, burying myself in tasks so I don’t have to think about it. I built this rock garden over the last week in my backyard:

It looks better from above:

Don’t be too impressed. I had help:

But between you and me – and don’t tell her this – she really wasn’t much help at all. In fact, there were times she even managed to slow down the entire operation! The job took about a week. Good thing I wasn’t on it every day. It was just something I was doing to calm my nerves, and it super worked. I just don’t have the room in my yard to keep building rock gardens.

Whatever the case, when I was finished with this one, I felt very accomplished, even though I kept chipping away at this thing in my pajamas, so please excuse how frumpily floppy I appear here.

I’ve also been building the ExodusJoshuaTree.com website, but I can’t show that to you yet. It’s pretty simple and straight forward, and really not much to it (now that I’m finally coding it), but it just took a long time to design it. I got picky, then not so picky, got some opinions, got a little sad, tried again, liked it better, started hating it, started over again, changed it a lot, then changed it a little, started seeing monkeys… You know. The usual.

So, I’m still tweaking it a little …I think.

My Kickstarter is 36% funded with about 25 days to go! Pretty good, eh? Although, I was getting pledges like mad the first couple days, and now, none the last couple days. NONE! Not even a pledge for a postcard. What’s up? What do I need to do?

First of all, I probably need to post MUCH better pictures of myself. Okay, okay, I will! I promise! I will look around for some and I will find some fashion shots that will blow your socks off. Will that do it? I’ll try it.

Blah Blah Blah

February 3, 2014February 3, 2014Ayin Es1 Comment

I’ve been setting up the picklebird site again. Just a simple Word Press blog. Very bare bones.

The bottom line is that I need to start selling off my art collection, or at least some of it. Now, when I say that, that doesn’t mean art by me. It means art by other artists. I just wanted to make that clear.

We not only don’t have the room for it, but it’s time to raise funds, simplify our lives, and start preparing for the End of Days. …not really on that last part. Or actually, if you thought I was serious, keep thinking that. You’re quite the character.

I’ll most likely be auctioning things off on Ebay under the picklebird name, but rest assured, I’ll be telling you all about it on my blog here too.

So I finished the layout for my book in Adobe InDesign! I know how to work it, and I know how to work Illustrator. What a feat that was. I’m no pro ar anything, but I basically know both programs now, InDesign more than Illustrator of course, but hey, I’m damn proud of myself for picking up two new skill sets. Do you think someone would hire me? A 45 year-old artist with great writing skills but needs to go to the bathroom every five minutes, needs several naps a day, requires two hands to lift a coffee mug to her mouth, and cries after every one of her 15 panic attacks per day? I only get overwhelmed if you give me two tasks at a time. It’s not so bad. My social anxiety only kicks in when I have to talk to an actual person and the pain in my legs, hips and back only persists for the hours I am actually awake. I think I can easily get a job.

My favorite thing is when people think I don’t have a job.

“Oh you’re an artist? I would love to have free time all day.”

“Since you’re not doing anything, can you run to the store for me?”

“You’re so lucky you get to dabble in paint all day.”

I also love it when people say, “There’s no such thing as a ‘self-taught’ artist.”

People say that! I hear it all the time. It comes from other artists, mostly artists that went to school. They are very adamant about it too.

“You learned from somewhere. A book, a video, from looking at a painting. Society.” They think it’s so far-fetched!

What if I bought or stole some art supplies and just tried it out? What if I kept doing that until I seemed to make it work out? Good Golly! I must be some kind of magic genius!

“The paint taught you!, not yourself! How dare you take credit for what the art supplies obviously taught you! You are anti-teacher.”

Anyway, it goes on and on. Sometimes it’s almost that ridiculous.

I finished this little painting finally. I named it, Runaway Slinkies:

There was more I was going to say, but now I forgot.

Happy February.

Just Words

January 27, 2014January 27, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

Just words today. Again. No pretty pictures. Just cerebral ramblings from a mixed up little woman child.

I’ve been spending a lot of time on a giant learning curve, all because of this book, but it’s totally worth it. These are all things I have to learn anyway. I’m learning both Adobe Illustrator, and InDesign at the same time. And these are both major programs with some difficulty involved. You can’t just learn these things overnight, but I am doing the fastest tutorials available in order to get the hang of it. That way I can at least be able to accomplish what I need to for this damn book. I have 30-day trials on both programs, so that is part of the urgency, not that it’s all that urgent really. I can always pay for a subscription for a month or two, until I get the book squared.

This damn book. This damn book alright. I know what you’re thinking. Why do I do these things if they cause me so much grief? I must like to put myself through it. I must be some sort of masochist, right?

Yes, that’s right. I do like it. I like the challenge. I revel in the fight I suppose. When I have a mind to do something, to get something done, I want to do it. I will do it. Sometimes it is easy. Paintings are easy. Sometimes books can be easy. Usually, my books are ambitious. This one is really not as ambitious as some others I have done. Not really. Although, perhaps I could have made a few original books of 60 drawings by now. Heh. But not 30 books. That I know from experience.

The truth is, I am excited about it more than I am stressed. I just love to complain. It’s in my blood.

Speaking of which, I have had the flu for over two weeks now. It acts as a smoldering fire, the embers burning inside my pajamas. It doesn’t seem to stop. I meant to go to the reception of the book show I am in, down at Otis on Saturday night, but I just didn’t feel good. The show is incredible actually. I’m showing with Ed Ruscha, Larry Bell, Kim Abeles, Chris Burden, Laura Owens, Niki de Saint Phalle, Paul McCarthy, Annie Sprinkle, Bruce Nauman, and Kara Walker! Plus so many more incredible and major book artists. Too many to name (I was just doing a little name dropping there, please forgive me).

I should also mention that my book, Today’s Quandary. got picked up by Printed Matter. Woop.

So, there is nothing more comforting than mediating in the sun. It gives me the warm fuzzies. I’m not even allowed in the sun (I’m allergic because of some medication I take), but it is so nice to feel it just a little bit in the morning. To tell the truth, it’s the closest I have ever felt to feeling like a little baby being cradled and safe in someone’s mothering arms. Whose, I’m not sure, but it sure feels nice.

After I get my fix on from that, I sit in my studio, just barely shadowed from the sun. There’s about a three foot band of chocolate brown on the pavement past the large threshold of my rubber studio floor, that is the garage. Gemma, my little dog lays on the cement just past that shadow to get a suntan. She’s always watching what I’m doing like it’s the most interesting thing on Earth.

I was going to write a whole thing about what I’m going to do when I get out into the desert, but I guess I will save that for later. I can’t wait until I get there, but I’m going to have to raise the funds to do it. I’ll have to get on the horn with that as a next project sooner than later.

A Day of Ghosts

January 23, 2014January 24, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

Today was a freaky day. It was like I got a lot done, but it seemed like I was just fucking off all day. It was weird.

I must remember that there is a certain amount of important work that happens in art that is not physical, and not tangible, yet feasible and meaningful. Today was a day like that.

I finished writing my Project Proposal for my next exhibition. Now, maybe you’re thinking, your gallery makes you write a proposal? No, they certainly do not. I do stuff like this for my own self. I’m a weirdo. I have my reasons for being weird like this too. Trust me, all that will come out in the open eventually. For now, just trust me when I tell you that I am weird like this for a reason.

For now, it helps me to write all this stuff out, and organize it, and my thoughts, so I can have a better grasp on what I’m doing for the next year or so. And today, it all just hit me and fell perfectly into place: the trip out to the desert, the paintings, the drawings, the installation, all of it. Even the name of the show for God sake! Do I dare splain? No. I do not.

I also chatted with a friend today and brought up all these rather heavy subjects that I thought were fine for me to chat about, but apparently NOT! I got really upset. Next thing I knew, I went from celebrating what I had accomplished the first half of my day, to feeling like a piece of poop on a stick. There are a select few people that get to me, and talking about those people …I don’t know. Every time I think I am threw with all that pain, or being affected by those people, I’m right back where I started!

Okay, so here is a work in progress, (I don’t usually show those, but this is very different!) and it is very small: just 12 x 12 inches. This one is going slow, as they all have been lately. I don’t mind that though.

It’s on unfinished (raw) canvas. I thought that would be “fun.” All of what you see so far is acrylic, which is also so very different for me. More like a giant pain in the ass! I am not a fan, nor am I very good with acrylics.

I recently finished a couple others. This one, my favorite is Bulletproof 2, and older painting that I turned upside down and painted over, but didn’t fully cover:

This one is 24 x 24 inches.

I also finished these two:

That’s Helicopter Pants (11″ x 14″) and New Years (4″ x 4″).

I know it looks like I did all this stuff in a month, but all but New Years had all been started long ago. New Years is the only one I started and finished in 2014.

Conclusion?

Onward.

Just Wanna Hug my Easel

December 14, 2013December 15, 2013Ayin Es1 Comment

I finally am getting a handle on this book of drawings. Carol Es une Monographie de Lignes is going to have 60 drawings in it and I have finished many of them. I have 23 more to go and I don’t know what a handful of them are going to look like yet, but that is part of the fun!

What I really want is to just get back to painting. All I have been doing is thinking about painting and I haven’t painted in so very long. Drawing is important and I see how very important it truly is. It’s something that needs to be a daily practice if you want to be a painter. If you want to be an artist. If you want to communicate visually on a consistent basis. It exercises that part of your brain and makes it like a muscle that works itself out. You become Hercules! Lifting giant boulders gets to be really easy – but you’re going to get super bored if there are no boulders for you to easily lift!

Get me in the studio for Christ sake! For the sake of the baby Jesus, or for the sake of my sanity. I have never even met the baby Jesus, but I have met my bad brains, so just get me in there already!

A couple things I started – eons ago…

I started it at the same time I started the little one that I finished very recently – the one that I just posted in my last blog post. All I did with that one though, was added a spot color of turquoise, and it was done! I didn’t expect it to just happen like that, but that was all it needed. It was hard for me to walk away from it at that point too, but I did.

This one above, I have simple plans for as well, but not as simple as the last one.

Then, I have been thinking a LOT about my older work. I mean, not that old, but my work with all the patterns in them. The pattern paintings. And you know I stopped making any paintings with patterns in them this last year (don’t know if you noticed) because I thought I “should.” But between you and me, I actually have quite a lot of fun with that process! I have loved collage from as far back as I can remember.

I think I thought that I would not be evolving unless I gave it all up and just used paint, and nothing else for a while. Which I think I did. I have. But lately I have had an itch I need to scratch. I want to incorporate what I have been doing: the drawing, the painting, the simplicity, the new ideas – and bring it into the pattern painting process and see what happens.

I posted this piece as a Work-in-Progress on WetCanvas a couple days ago…

and someone said there was a foreboding feeling about it, which was very interesting.

I said, “this is actually a painting from 2004 or 2005 (I’d have to look it up because I signed it in the Hebrew year at the time.) It was part of a vertical triptych that I grew to dislike very much, so I decided to wreck it by breaking it up (recently) and I turned the middle piece (called Bulletproof) upside down and started painting the black arc lines.

Some of you guys got me thinking, as well as some others, and MYSELF, about my older work with the patterns. I felt like I HAD to give it all up or I wouldn’t be evolving, but maybe that’s not the case after all. Maybe I can incorporate it still and take it to another level. So it’s been on my mind.

So with this one, I feel like I was just playing around. I will finish it at some point, maybe before the new year. I hope.

The arc was like an entrance to something else – a new place, but still, a dark place. Or at least not a “funny” place. A serious place.”

But… I don’t know what the hell I am saying. All I know is that I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed lately not being able to finish anything in particular. My list of things to do just goes on and on and on with no feeling of accomplishment in sight. Well — it’s in sight, but not for a while and I’m an impatient nut when it comes to finishing the task at hand.

I hope to finish the drawings for the book sometime in January.

I’d like to cut away from those book drawings and paint for a week straight the week of Xmas.

All I wanna do is spend some time in the studio. I wanna hug that easel of mine and welcome myself back into the fold.