Thoughts

Where I’m At

Ayin EsLeave a comment

Just touching base to let you know where I am on the new Chance Press book. I have to do a total of 19 pieces for this thing, and as of now, I have 5 1/2 to go. I’m very nearly done with the page I am working on now. It’s 16 pages in all, plus a collaborative piece, a small 5″ x 5″ and one that is just pen and ink. The pages are each 7 x 10 inches and they are mostly watercolor and ink with a little bit of colored pencil on some. God, I wish I could show some of them off, but I can’t. I’ve also been working on my new website and I can’t show any of that either until it launches in full. I am really hoping that will be by January 1, 2013.

Other than that, I’ve been actually having a little bit of a difficult time with approaching a newer direction with my paintings. I say that, but maybe I’m not having a hard time at all, I just think I am. I have about four mapped out – I just always worry about the idea of running out of concepts. This is something I have always had going on, but I don’t ever run out of ideas, so I don’t know why I worry about that at all. It’s stupid is what it is.

What else is new? I have been going to art shows. I should have mentioned them right after I saw them, but I didn’t. The best one was Leigh Salgado at Coagula Curatorial. I also saw Richard Bruland‘s solo show at Lora Schlesinger, and Ed Moses at Patrick Painter. Richard’s show was beautiful. He always does wonderful work. And there were a few amazing things at the new gallery that opened in Venice at Shulamit Gallery. The space there is simply stunning. A lot of stairs though. It just keeps going up and up and up with little rooms and galleries on each floor. Very creative space. Some of the work was truly inspiring, but I don’t really know which artist did what. I was taken with the photography most of all. I saw a few other shows too, but I guess they are not worth mentioning. No offense to the artists. Oh, I did like Gary Baseman‘s show in Chinatown. It was not his paintings though. It was all his reference materials and collection of old photographs and I really enjoyed that.

I am trying to get my “Little Sister” to come to a contemporary art museum with me. I have to talk her into it because she hasn’t had the best experience with museums in the past. I want to take her to the Blues for Smoke show at MOCA. I hope to see it with her on December 2nd.

NOT So Vulnerable

Ayin Es1 Comment

I have been keeping a kind of journal/sketchbook in recent months, where I write my candid feelings in a sort of stream-of-consciousness way. Then I am supposed to draw what I wrote. I didn’t draw anything for today yet, but I wrote the 300+ words it usually takes to fill up the page. Why I share these things, I have no idea.

13 November, 20012. 11:AM

I think I am depressed. Not so depressed I can’t move. Just beneath the surface. I feel like I am about to drown. The water is rising, but I am not moving. Decision making freezes me in place. I feel indifferent in rooms filled with laughter, like I am in my own secret bubble. I am not special in this way. It just feels like I am because I am wide-eyed aware of my place amongst others. I do a lot of things that make others happy, but I can never please them. I don’t do what I want because I’m unaware of what that is. Sometimes I know, but usually I don’t. I don’t listen to myself as I should. The glow of the sun is in my eyes and I don’t care about the rules of not staring into it. I allow it because I am disregarding myself. How ridiculous. It is ridiculous because I do what I want every day of my life. I make my own rules. I create my own realities, yet I feel this way. Why? Just seems ridiculous, like I need permission or something. Permission to do what? I guess to do what I want. I need to find out what it is I want. Why is that so difficult. I am making it hard for I don’t know what reason. Perhaps it is just a familiar place where I am most comfortable – insecurity. I’d like to be done with it. Life is too short and I am too old to keep going along like this. Any decision is better than no decision. I need to let the chips fall where they may. Make mistakes. Take a risk. THAT is the risk. THAT is the challenge. It is no bigger than that. Make any decision and allow it to fall into whatever depths or heights it will. So be it. I’m strong enough for anything.

Waiting for Jordan

Ayin Es2 Comments

I have been hard at work on a new book for Chance Press. I think it’s going to be the shit, the fo’schnizzle, the bomb, and the cat’s meow. The only problem is that I can’t announce who I am doing the book with quite yet. It’s me and another artist who is actually one of my most favorite artists working today. It’s going to be a dream come true for me, but I have to tighten my lip for now about who it is. I am waiting for Jordan Hurder from Chance Press to give me a green light, as he is not announcing who it is yet either, so I’m waiting for him to broadcast it before I go letting the kitty out of the cat bag.

Not only that, I will be withholding the 16 works on paper that I am doing for the project. So why am I even saying anything at all? Because I am excited! If you’re not seeing new paintings up as soon as you’d like to, just know that I am still here working my butt off; I just can’t let you see what I’m doing exactly. Bummer, right? Not. What the hell do you care anyway? You probably have more important things to do than check out my blog, or sit and wait for new art to appear. Unfortunately, I am obsessed with making things and posting them. Come to think of it, I am just obsessed in general. If I don’t accomplish something arty every day, I feel like some kind of looser. Like today for instance. I sketched in my sketchbook, wrote about three paragraphs in my novel, and I painted the watercolor on the 5th page of the new Chance Press book, but I feel like I didn’t really do much today. I went shopping, and went to the pharmacy, and just put on a load of laundry, but I am still lacking a sense of accomplishment. I also worked on some computer bugs as well: since 1993, I have been keeping my entire mailing list in a Microsoft Works database, and it wasn’t until today that I finally imported the data into Access 2007. Welcome to the new millennium, for Christ sakes! …So that was my day.

What is wrong with me? I’ll tell you: It’s never enough! Never enough art. I don’t think I will ever feel as accomplished as I fantasize about. I am forever neurotic.

Turning a corner

Ayin Es2 Comments

Much is going on! I am excited to type this right now. First of all, I went to see art consultant, Ellie Blankfort the other day it went so great, I can’t even tell you! It was like psychotherapy for artists! While it was only our first meeting, I can see that she is going to help me a great deal.

She is helping me how to identify the strengths of my work, gain confidence, how to avoid the weaknesses in my work, and how to best release my energy so I can stimulate my creative process. She seemed to open the door for me to get through this weird artistic crisis I had been going through. I am very excited and am going to see her again in a couple weeks and make it a monthly thing. She gave me some great exercises to do. Trade secrets I can not tell you.

I met Ellie back in 2005 or thereabouts. She was on the art committee for the LACMA. Each year, Howard Fox and the committee do studio visits with selected artists, and after they complete their rounds, the museum makes a purchase from one of the artists. I came close, but I did not get the purchase. But I was very fortunate to have received the visit from them at all. Honored actually. That studio visit went so well, I will never forget it. Ellie was the most encouraging on the panel, so once I caught wind of what she was doing nowadays, I contacted her and we made an appointment. I am so glad I did too.

Today I even got a big rejection, but I don’t even care because I think my visit with Ellie got me to be in the right head space to deal with it. (I was turned down for the CCI Grant: Investing in Artists, which would have helped me to pay an editor and a proofreader for the book I’m working on.)

I had mentioned Shrapnel in another post not long ago and spoke about how I was going to lose friends because of some of the information I was going to be writing about their religion, but it turns out that might not be the case at all and the friendships I have will be able to endure pretty much anything. I am grateful! That one family member might still try to sue me, but I’m not worried about it.

I am now 3/4 the way through the rough draft. I can’t believe it! I have written 115,000 words so far! I think I started this almost three years ago now, but once I got the Scrivener program, everything just came SO much easier! This last year I have been able to write out most of the book. I swear, if you are working on any kind of manuscript, you MUST get this program. I am a super-endorser of the thing, as is my partner in life, MJP. He has been working on a memoir about his musical experience for even longer, and he is just about finished.

Also, I had been talking about four paintings that I started that were really unlike anything I’ve done before (or at least feels like it). Michael says the new one looks like something I’d do. You tell me:

“The Devil in Me,” 2012. Oil on canvas. 24 x 24 inches.

Devil in Me by Carol Es

This next one is still in progress, but it’s really close to being done. I think it is called, “Edith.” It’s 20 x 16 inches, oil on canvas:

Edith by Carol Es

The other two are no where near at a point where I’d post them. They look like sloppy blobs.

——————-

Recently I saw Fiona Apple play at the Greek Theater. It was so majorly inspiring and amazing, I don’t even know how to put into words! Get her new album. It’s absolute genius! For her, the more hash, the better. (She was recently arrested for hashish in Texas.)

I also got a wonderful gift in the mail from none other than one of my most favorite artists on Earth, Neil Farber. He sent me a little gouache and ink painting on a small piece of paper because my publishers, Chance Press, gave him a copy of Scribbles in a Sandstorm. Neil made me a red cat wearing blue eye glasses. See?

Neil Farber

Something is happening

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What it is, I do not know.

I have been working on six small paintings. They are painted in oil with some pencil on clay boards – like Poetic Ghetto. They all came from the quick sketches I did (I used those as the compositions), and I painted them all with the tiniest brush I own. I got super excited about one of the pieces in particular, which I titled, “The Notion of Ambiguity Must Not be Confused with that of Absurdity.” Here it is almost finished:

pg5myfav

I actually thought I was onto something new, but they are all still super tight. They were planned out and I used that super small brush.

Then today, without thinking, I decided to do a kind of fucked up self portrait. I did the underpainting (acrylic) with a big, wet brush on a 24 inch square canvas. It looks like a slopfest. I couldn’t bear to post it at the stage it is right now.

But then, I had all this extra color in acrylic in a few different bowls, so I mixed a couple of the bowls together and just needed to “get rid of it” (I hate wasting paint). I wound up with colors I never use and just started doing “whatever” on a few different canvases and one panel and they are all crazy. I mean like nothing I thought I could ever do. Loose and sloppy. They are very 1960s Eva Hesse. Either something is happening, or it was just a temporary lapse in left brain vacancy. They are faces and figures. I never do figures – and if I do, not like this and not in these colors.

I’ve been wanting to loosen up for years and today something turned a corner and I just painted, and it was weird. Not like anything I’ve done before. I’m either losing my marbles or I’ve hit on something very new. Whether it’s good is a whole other thing to think about.

I am not going to think about it.