Feeling Good/Feeling Bad

I allocated time to paint last Friday, but did I? 

No. No, I didn’t. Other than walking every morning, it’s been tough for me to get off my ass. I don’t know why I can’t do anything at all. It’s just the way it’s been lately. I lie in bed a lot, fall asleep, and get depressed that I’m not working. Then I make myself feel bad about it.

All I have to do is squeeze out some purple and yellow paint onto the palette and start. Why is that so hard? Maybe because, once I do that, I’ll be committed to the task, and I don’t want to be. I just feel like a piece of wood.

I’m also not losing any weight. Walking is fine. If I wasn’t doing the mile+ every morning, I’d probably gain weight. But I haven’t lost shit since I quit smoking, which burdens me. It’s an anvil on the back of my neck, and the closer I get to my surgery date, the more it feels like a piano.

I was working on my spring newsletter, but there’s not much news to tell. Hannah made it so I can now take cryptocurrency on my website. That is my big news. I think that’s fantastic news. Maybe some hip Bitcoin people will agree.

Otherwise, what is new? Nothing. 

I had a thought about officially coming out in the newsletter. Like, making an announcement: “I am nonbinary, and my pronouns are they and them!” That might sound like no big deal since all I do is talk about it on my blog, but I guarantee you–the people that read my newsletter do not necessarily read my blog. 

I ultimately decided against it. I don’t mind that this information is on my blog, but I don’t want to make any official “announcements.” It feels scary to me. I think my subscribers would drop like flies. Not that I should care. If people want to stop hearing from me because I’m trans, I should not want them on the list, right? But rejection always feels shitty no matter what. Still, I can gently guide people to the blog without making an official statement.

Other than that, I am very excited about my upcoming surgery. Very excited. We leave in two weeks from today, and I can hardly wait. This may be why I haven’t wanted to start any paintings. I’ve set up my studio for oils only and put all my watercolor stuff away. Maybe I’d be able to finish one in two weeks, but that’s cutting it close. I should have started the one I prepped a week ago. It’s perhaps an “easier” one. 

For now, I’m off to physical therapy. I go twice a week for an hour. It’s been helpful, although I am sore today. Yesterday, I walked two and a half miles. That was too much for me. Now my lower back is aching. I may not be good for much today.

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