Making a List, Checking it twice

Today I allocated some time to paint. Will I? I hope to, but we’ll see. Since the last week was so busy, I just want to rest. 

Once all my lab tests came back, I saw my PCP on Tuesday. Everything was normal, or at least satisfactory enough to be cleared for surgery. I had my first virtual pre-op with my surgeon yesterday, and it went great. Now I’m armed with more information than I could wish for. Things are all ready to fly like the wind.

I saw an obstetrician on Wednesday who put me on estrogen for my hot flashes, but it turns out I can’t start taking the pills until sometime after the surgery due to the extra high risk of blood clots. Too bad on that one. I was hoping to lessen those goddamn hot flashes while recovering because they suck! I’m going to be so hot and uncomfortable. 

Other than the above, I am so thoroughly prepared, you don’t even know. I’ve been working on a Giant Surgery List for weeks—items I’ll need to bring up north and a few more I’ll need at home for my recovery. I honestly don’t think I’ve forgotten anything. I’ve got everything for my comfort, from hygiene to clothing and all medical supplies. I’m bringing six kinds of pillows alone! Good thing we are driving, right? Three of the pillows are specifically for driving—one is a neck pillow, one pads the seatbelt, and the third pads my whole chest. It is about a nine-hour drive afterall.

We got a bigger hotel room because we will be there for ten days, possibly more, depending on how the post-op goes. A tiny room would’ve been rough, and Hannah still needs to work. She needs a proper desk, so we got the executive suite. It wasn’t all that much more, so why not? 

Hannah got me a deluxe bed tray that does everything except cook you breakfast. It’s super lightweight, holds food (of course), your cell phone, a tablet, has an extra slide-out drawer, and another little drawer for I don’t know what. It’s European fancy-nice. 

The other two pillows I’m bringing into the room are large wedge pillows—one to prop up my back and one to elevate my legs. The bellhop is going to love us. I guess it doesn’t matter though, since it will all go on one cart with our luggage. I think about all these little details and worry about them. I guess I’m crazy. But we all knew that. 

Maybe it’s not that much stuff for ten days? Two small pieces of luggage, two large pillows, a plastic bin of medical supplies, and a breakfast tray? Oh, and maybe a small box of puppy pads with some baby wipes. Don’t ask. Those are details that might freak you out. There’s a lot of stuff regarding mastectomy recovery you probably don’t want to know about. If you’ve been through a double-incision, you already know what I’m talking about. No fun, and frankly, gross—part of the surgery that has flipped me out, but I’ll get through it. I’ve been through worse.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m still very excited and looking forward to this. Confirming my gender is more important than anything right now. (No duh!) Not once have I had doubts, for those of you that might be wondering. Of course, I’m a little bit scared. I think it would be abnormal if I weren’t. 

Some friends of mine have asked me questions regarding this whole situation, and maybe they don’t fully understand it, which is okay. I realize some people may not fully get it. That doesn’t matter to me because this isn’t for them. 

Other than writing about all this in my blog, I haven’t quite “come out” to a ton of people. I’ve come out to plenty, but not everyone. Maybe because now I’m only willing to do it with people who are going to be supportive. I’ve had some negative reactions so far. And I’m not down with other people’s issues. If they think I’m weird, I think they are too, that is if they don’t want to understand. Now I’ll just tell them to Google “nonbinary.” It’s not exactly my job to educate them. 

I don’t mind telling people how I feel about my gender if they are genuinely interested. I don’t have a problem with that, depending on how close we are. But I haven’t been feeling good about certain vibes from certain people, or hostile questions. 

My brother has a friend who was weird about it. I guess he tried to get it, but he gave me a bit of shit for saying I wasn’t a woman. So I didn’t tell him I was getting surgery. I think that would’ve opened the door to I don’t know what. I don’t need attitude. 

I also decided not to tell my brother about the surgery, though he was nice about me coming out to him in general. I don’t know how much he understood what nonbinary was, but he was open. Neither of them read this blog, so I’m not worried about them finding out. If they ever care to read it, that’s fine with me, but I wouldn’t just offer up the information. And they probably won’t even notice my breasts are gone. They’ll probably just think I lost weight or something. 

Other than that, my very best friends have been incredibly supportive, and I appreciate them so much. But honestly, I can count on one hand the friends I feel close with. I can use the thumb on my next hand if I include my therapist, but I pay her to be my friend. I just don’t let too many people in. I have to know them for many years for that to happen. 

My friend, who I’ve known the longest, died not too long ago. It’s been horrible, and I’m still terribly sad about it. But he’d be happy for me right now. He always knew my feelings about this. He knew things about me nobody else knew, and I miss him a lot. I’ve known him since I was six years old. That’s a long fucking time. 

It’s the same with my other close friends. Other than Hannah (twenty-three years), it’s twenty years, thirty-two years, thirty-five years, and thirty-seven years. I guess it takes a while for me to open up to people. You wouldn’t think that the way I carry on in this blog, but it’s the truth.

Anyway, I guess that’s all I have for today. Wasn’t that enough?

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