Five Days Later

Still working away. Yet, it doesn’t seem like I’ve made much progress. Maybe it’s because I took a couple of days off, or maybe because I always think that, even when I have made progress. I’m too hard on myself. But I’m still ahead of schedule, so it doesn’t matter.

I’m still working on the three aerial pieces. I finished the roads on the medium-sized one (the 24 x 30-inch), and I started the big one, which is a monster in the corner of my little studio room. It’s been a beast to navigate and turn on the easel. I’ve hit it against the ceiling twice with wet paint. Luckily, I was able to remove the paint with a disinfectant wipe. I live in a rental, so that was a good thing.

Yesterday I got about half the greenery finished on the little one (the 16 x 20-inch), and can definitely finish that one today. I just need to decide which way I want it to go. It looks good right-side-up and upside-down. It may not matter until I sign it. This is, apparently, right-side-up:

I’ll be working on the big one, mostly horizontally, I’m pretty sure. But the plan is to hang it vertically as it is shown above. I had to paint all the sides this color so it will look “clean” when it’s hanging in the gallery. This is just one of the things I don’t like about working on canvas. I have preferred panels over the last few years. Specifically those Ampersand gessoboards. Those have the thick wooden profiles I really like. They really don’t need framing. They look best hanging flat against the wall with two level drywall screws. No wire.

I like their smooth surfaces. I’m not into the porous textured surface of canvases anymore, but I still have a few more on hand. It would be a waste not to use them up. After finishing up the paintings for the show, I believe I will only have one remaining 24 x 30-inch canvas, and two small raw canvases left. Then, I plan to start painting over old paintings– ones I’m not all that fond of, of course. I’m sure there are plenty of those here.

Today I have a doctor’s appointment via Zoom, so I had to weigh myself for the first time in a very long time. It’s not good. Not at all. Since my surgery, I’ve gained twenty pounds. That’s in only eight months. It’s not that I don’t know how I got here. I know exactly how it happened. I did not move for the first five months and didn’t watch what I was eating at all. Then, for the last three or four months, I’ve been eating like a pig. And I mean, just never feeling satisfied kind of eating. My therapist thinks it could be hormonal because I’ve never been a binge eater before. I did go on hormone replacement therapy about a month after my surgery. She wants me to get my hormone levels checked.

But I’m not sure if that’s the culprit entirely. I think menopause and meds have to do with it somewhat, sure. I gain weight way easier than most people will, but I think I have been in self-soothing mode since the surgery and haven’t broken out of it. It’s maybe because I was still feeling a lot of pain, even at six months. I just wanted to make myself feel better.

I’d gone to physical therapy for a few sessions and it fucking hurt like crazy. I was not ready yet. I quit early. I also was uncomfortable with the physical therapists I had. One harped a lot on my scars, wanted to do a lot of ultrasound treatments on them because they looked “so bad.” And the other pushed me way too hard, putting me in so much pain, and she didn’t seem to listen to me when I told her it was too much on my back. I wasn’t even there for my back. I was there for my upper body. I told them I would come back when I was more up to it, but I am hoping she’ll be gone when I return, as she was just a temporary staff member.

So, I need to get back on a diet again. I’m pretty disgusted with myself. It’s going to take a lot longer than eight months to lose the pounds than it did to gain them, unfortunately. I probably can’t plunge right into a 1200-calorie a day diet. I know that will shock me into a depression, but by next Monday, I should be there. Today, I’ll shoot for 1500 or so. Even that’s super low compared to what I’ve been shoving into my gullet lately.

And I should probably start walking again. Now it’s like 36F degrees in the morning and getting colder, but I should try anyway. I probably can’t even make it around the block anymore. It’s been eight months since I’ve gone for a fucking walk! So pathetic.

Anyway. I’ll give it a try. As Hannah tells me a lot, I can’t go zero to sixty in one day. I have to work my way up to it. Now the sun is up, and I’m late to start this walk already. Lazy bones. I’ll have to publish this post later if I want to start now.

I’m back! I walked for only 20 minutes and did a little over a half-mile (0.7 Mi). I was walking two miles a day before the surgery. Wow. Well, I’ll get there I guess. One day at a time.

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