Not Lazy

After talking to my therapist recently, I learned that I’m not as lazy as I thought I was, or rather, “lazy” is not the word I should’ve been using to describe myself. The issue runs way deeper, and it was sad to discover.

The problem stems mostly from my shit childhood and has presented itself as me having next to zero self-care for myself. And this has been a life-long problem. I don’t take time to care for myself, and really never have. I used to never eat. It was the other extreme. I wound up in the hospital a few times because of it. That was just one of many bad things I did to myself because of what I didn’t do for myself.

I can’t go into too much detail about what I don’t do for myself. Revealing it all would embarrass me further than I already do, but believe me, it’s intense. I was not exactly cared for as a child. This seems to be the culprit.

Yes, as a young child, some basic needs were met. I had a (many different) roof(s) over my head. There was food in the house (if I wanted to make it myself). If I was sick, I was taken to a doctor. I’m sure when I was a baby, someone fed and burped me. I suppose my diaper was changed. I also know my mother helped me get dressed and tied my shoes when she was able to. I know my brother tied them just as much. He was just a kid too.

Many other basic needs were not met, and almost all of my emotional needs were neglected. I say “almost all” pretty generously too, because it was all mental and emotional abuse. And here I am left thinking I don’t deserve shit. I don’t deserve to take care of myself. It’s disturbing.

But I started the diet and walking this week. It’s really slow-going and I can’t help but beat myself up every step of the way. I should not do this. It’s abusive to myself. I am making some progress. Not much, but at least some. I need to see the positive

I got to nearly a mile of walking (in 32-degree weather, mind you). It’s not the two miles I was used to before the surgery, but it’s better than the .7 mi I did on Monday. I’ve been going over my first calorie goal set for this week every single day by at least 150 calories. I was struggling to stay within limits and just couldn’t do it, which only put me on a maintaining diet. Not a weight-loss diet. I was in tears on Wednesday over this.

Until yesterday came. Finally, I was three calories under my initial daily goal. Better. I can actually lose some weight now.

Still, there’s no way I can up the ante to 1200 calories per day by next Monday. It will be too steep of a change for me, so I’ll have to be easier on myself, and actually give myself a fucking break. Maybe after the holiday, I can start at 1200.

I saw the doctor and he said there were definitely some physical barriers against me, the big one being menopause and hormones, plus all the meds I take. All this is contributing to my metabolism greatly, so he’s sending me to a nutritionist so I can change the foods I eat. I haven’t been eating junk, but I suppose I could eat better.

And other self-care has been in order, like sleeping when I’m tired. Resting when I’m sore. Scar care, putting a brush through my hair, getting out of my pajamas, PEEING! There’s a whole story that goes with that one. It’s very sad. But take my word for it, my mother was mentally ill and maybe she was lazy, as she didn’t let me go to the bathroom when I needed to, or where I should have. And now it’s taken me decades to shed a few tears for myself about it.

Change is not easy, but I believe it’s possible. So, I’m working on it. Getting angry, then letting it go is really not easy, but I’m working on it.

Okay, so in other distracting news, I finished up the small aerial and started some line drawings for two more new paintings. Here’s Above Sunburst, 16 x 20-inches (oil on canvas):

This line drawing is for an oil painting called Rabbit House which will be on a 16 x 20-inch gessoboard:

And this one is for a painting called Desert Ruins, which will be a desert scene with a school bus buried in dirt:

Desert Ruins is going on a 24 x 24-inch panel.

It looks like I may have to finish painting the giant aerial before I can move on to anything else since it’s taking up so much real estate in the corner of my studio room. I’ll have to wait until it’s somewhat surface dry and very carefully move it into the garage so I can work on something else. I was hoping I could getter done before the end of December, but I’m not sure I can. I’m going to try though. Sometimes, working on the same painting for over a week is a bit daunting. I like working on a couple of things at once, I’m beginning to realize after all these years.

Well, I’m way late on my walking window. I’m usually out there by 7:00 AM, and now it’s 8:00. At least it will be a little warmer. I’ll probably be a sweaty pig by the time I get back.

One thought on “Not Lazy

  1. Menachem Mendel December 18, 2021 / 2:52 pm

    Underneath all the struggling is a healthy, vital spirirt calling to you to keep going. Why? Because you are going to get “there” . And “there” is your best, most complete possible self that your yearnings can reach. Keep yearning. Don’t despair – remember Reb Nachman’s message about despair i.e DON’T! You are stronger than any trauma. Breathe. Rejoice in each gain.

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