I haven’t smoked in 17 days now. I’m wearing the last step of the patches, plus I’ve gone a day here and there without wearing one at all.
I’m still having bad cravings, but nothing like I had last week, thank god. However, I’m going through a lot of ups and downs and a bout of depression. I guess it’s to be expected. I’ve been focused on my surgery, the scars they will be leaving, and my weight.
I haven’t lost any more weight. I’m still trying my best, and I’m walking more than a mile every morning. I figured this would be extra difficult while trying to quit smoking. Whatever. I wanted to lose a lot more before the surgery. Maybe I still can lose a few.
As for the scars, I’ve been obsessing. I really want the incision line to go straight across, but I don’t think it’s possible. Not with the surgeon I’m scheduled with anyway. I freaked out about this the other day and called to cancel the surgery–thinking I could find someone else to give me what I want.
I set up a new consultation with someone else, but then I realized I shouldn’t have canceled my surgery. Not yet anyway. So I called back the next day and UNcancelled it. Turns out, they didn’t even cancel it yet because apparently, this happens with patients all the time. They have a freak-out moment, call to cancel, then call back and un-cancel. Pretty funny.
Only it’s not that funny. Even though I will be getting at least one more consultation, I kinda know what’s what now. I know more about how these things are done and understand why my surgeon has to make the scar curve downward. There probably is a way to go straight across, but it will not look natural. I don’t know which is better/worse of the two.
If I decide on a different surgeon, I’ll be either paying out-of-pocket to do it in San Diego, or pushing my insurance to do it out-of-network in San Francisco–which will postpone it significantly. I’d have to go through an appeal process, which can take up to 90 days, then I can schedule it.
There is the possibility I could win the transgender surgery grant in February, but those chances are slim. Then I would not need insurance (if I decide on a different surgeon, that is).
So, I’m in it, thinking about it, confused, and trying to decide on what’s best for me.