Health, Hell, and Easels

I haven’t posted here since the 11th, and I can’t believe I still don’t know much more about my test results. I know a little more, but I’m getting mighty sick of how slow and out of communication my primary care doctor’s office has been.

I got the echo at the hospital on July 12th. The tech said the results would be at the doctor’s office the next day. I was seeing the cardiologist very soon, and that needed to be in the system by then, but it wasn’t. That wasn’t because the primary care doctor didn’t have them. It’s because my primary care doctor still has not made it available to the cardiologist. As of yesterday, they still haven’t.

What kind of bullshit is that?

In the meantime, the cardiologist went over what tests I already had and did another EKG while I was there and said I had an atrial flutter. To me, that sounded cute. Like a butterfly was living in my chest. Not so cute. He wants to do a thing called cardioversion now, where they shock your heart back into a normal beat. Fun!

And meanwhile, I’m still waiting for authorization from my insurance company to see a pulmonologist to address the COPD.  

This has all been frustrating and is doing wonders for my depression, and last week, I was at the height of an emotional breakdown. I’ve been dealing with a high-stress situation regarding an assault case from 30 years ago. To be frank, it’s been affecting me more now than it did back then. That’s just the way these things work sometimes.

I had ways of coping with it way back when. Incorrect ways of coping, like not dealing with it by way of pretending it never happened. I tried to tell myself it was something I probably deserved anyway, and continued a friendship with my abuser for two more decades. In fact, I protected him and told no one. Yup. I was out of my mind.

So that has reared its head again over the last month or so. Now it’s for the DA to decide, but since it’s so old, it will most likely not be prosecuted. I have to come to terms with that.

I’m back with the cardiologist next week. Before the electro-cardioversion, I have to be strapped to a heart monitor for a week and do a stress test. I guess, eventually, he’ll get to see the echocardiogram and see more of what is going on. In the meantime, I’m biding my time.

I haven’t made anything new art-wise. Just some very rough/raw sketching here and there, but no great ideas are coming really. Maybe a few? (Sorry, terrible, blurry pics.)

Today, I’m going to hang out with Teresa Watson and draw. I’m bringing a watercolor kit too, so maybe I’ll make something or another. The last time we hung out, I started two things I thought sucked, but I later finished them and decided they were kinda decent.  

I’m still waiting for my award check. I’m hoping it will come in August. I already have everything I’m spending it on planned and budgeted. The biggest item, other than fixing up my car, is this counter-balance studio easel:

I haven’t had a good studio easel for many years. Not since a year before I left LA. For five years, I’ve been using one of my first easels, a single-mast Mabef I’ve owned for decades. But I had to cut off the top of the mast to make it fit under my 8-foot ceilings. And I still have to sit in a chair when I work on anything over 30 inches. The new one is made for lower ceilings. It’s pricy, but with the award money, I can get it. I’d been waiting for Sorg to make their lower-ceiling version again, but they are not going to. I used to have the regular version of a Sorg when I had 13-foot ceilings, and it was my favorite easel. When I moved from my Highland Park studio back to my garage studio, I reluctantly had to sell it, so I’m glad to be getting a new counter-balance easel that is probably more well-made than the Sorg was. Here are the specs on the new one.

2 thoughts on “Health, Hell, and Easels

  1. Hannah July 19, 2023 / 9:40 am

    You weren’t out of your mind. Many people deal with assault the same way. I love you!

    • Ayin Es July 20, 2023 / 10:04 am

      Thank you. I love you more.

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