I don’t know how I’ve been doing lately. It’s been like a roller coaster. Mentally and physically.

The medical tests I’ve been getting haven’t been invasive or anything, but waiting to receive the results for each of them has been a bit torturous. The system moves like molasses, and that’s no good for someone impatient as I am. It was frustrating.

After almost two weeks after I got a CT scan of my lungs, I finally got the results on Friday that everything was normal there. That’s been the first good news so far and a relief.

After that, I saw my rheumatologist, who also looked over all the tests I’ve had so far (chest x-ray, EKG, blood, and the recent CT), and although she still wants me to see a pulmonologist for tests on the COPD thing, she says it’s probably a mild case. That’s really good news, too.

All that’s left is the cardiology stuff, and that’s happening this week. Tomorrow is the echocardiogram, and Thursday is the cardiologist’s appointment. I really don’t expect any major surprises, though. I can’t! I won’t let myself. My EKG does show tachycardia in the upper right side of my heart, but I think the Echo will be the true test of what’s really going on there.

I’m still having chest pains, but nothing to go to the ER for or anything. They come and go whenever I exert myself. I also get very easily winded and start wheezing and coughing, doing the simplest things, like bringing the trash cans in or putting dishes away. I feel like I’ve aged a decade over the last few months. It’s concerning, but maybe it’s something minor.

Mentally, I’m either even-keeled or really fucking depressed. I don’t think being physically fatigued helps with this one bit. I’ve been forcing myself to make small pieces of art whenever possible. I sketch, do watercolors, and make plans for new pieces until I feel kinda exhausted and fall asleep. At least I’m still trying, though.

I wish I could talk a little bit about some of the things that are making me extra sad lately, but I’m afraid I can’t. Not here, anyway. All I can say is that I’ve been haunted by some stuff that’s back from the past. It’s looking at me in the face and taunting me, humiliating me, and reminding me how much it’s ruined me. Not a damn thing I can do about it anymore. It’s like I have to relearn this fact all over again. I have to practice radical acceptance with this one, and I thought I already did that.

One Day I’ll Be Outta Here, 2023. Watercolor and ink on clayboard, 5 x 5 inches.

On a happier note, I got the prototype for the Queersition book in the mail today. It all looks A-OK, so it’s a “go,” as they say. I will now order 50 copies to be printed, sign and number them, and add a quick little pen drawing to each. I say “now,” but not right now. I’m waiting for a check first, so it will still be a number of weeks before they will be up for sale.

Patience.