Inspired – As of Late

The last I wrote something on my blog was some time ago. I usually wait until I have something inspired to write about, but I got nothing in the way of anything too exciting—no extraordinary news.

On the artist’s residency news, I’m waiting for two last responses, one from Millay Colony and one from Montalvo. I should hear from either any day now. As far as Ucross, I didn’t get in. And I didn’t get into VCCA either, but I got on their waiting list. That’s kinda something.

I’ve been painting absolutely nothing. Part of that is because of lethargy (and I’m doing other things), and it’s also partly on purpose. It’s kind of an experiment I’m trying out. I only want to paint something if I’m thoroughly inspired and it’s spontaneous. 

This idea came out of some creative clinical research I was doing after I decided to take a one-month break from Instagram. I’m still on this hiatus and have learned some things, like how it was fucking up my life. The suspension is making me understand some things about myself, and they aren’t all flattering, but at least I’m learning. 

I came across this article of interest that motivated me to make room for this spontaneity “experiment.” I’m still sketching, but I’m still not painting. I’m also re-reading Art & Fear. I think fear has been a big issue. Can’t have that. 

In the meantime, I interviewed for a new online magazine called Canvas Rebel. That interview will post in the next couple of weeks, and Saatchi Art chose me to be part of an online exhibit for Pride Month in June. I also got a short story published in HOWL Art and Literary Magazine out of Copper Mountain College.

Mostly, I’ve been hard at work writing my book Queer as Mud. I’m on the eighth chapter now, and recently, I seem to be gaining momentum. 

And other than that, I’ve been getting a bunch of dental work done. Not fun! At least I’m toward the tail end of it, though. It’s finally getting taken care of sans getting an implant that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford.

However, the dental work is not as torturous as following the Masterson re-trial. Anybody? You might guess why I’ve been closely following this. I’m a survivor of rape and the same cult, so it’s meaningful to me. I also knew him, on the periphery, anyway, as he hung out with some of my old band members. He was always a douchebag, and his jacuzzi parties were idiotic. 

The testimonies of the Jane Does have been impressive. So far, they are holding their own and doing great on the stand. The whole thing has inspired me to report an incident of my own (not with Danny, but with someone else who was in Scientology). It was 30 years ago! Talk about delayed reporting. When you consider that the average time to report childhood sexual assault is 40+ years (I don’t know what it is for young adults), it’s no wonder only 30% of rapes are reported at all (nowadays).

Regarding the rape I’m speaking of, I was a young adult. I’m also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. There’s a study about how once you’re victimized at a young age, it is common to be abused again and again later in life by different perpetrators. When I read that, I couldn’t believe it. For once, it made me feel like I might be believed, and many victims don’t report because they fear this very thing. 

Funny, I’ve said (many times) I don’t like to reveal personal shit publicly, yet here I am. Maybe I just can’t help myself! I was just telling Hannah about how I’d been conditioned to be steely and emotionless when I was in the cult. Then, when I left, my emotions came to the surface almost uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed about it for a while. But now, I feel much more proud of myself for being vulnerable than when I was emboldened to be removed from people. I was a cold fish. One has to be vulnerable in order to have empathy and compassion in this world. Don’t you think? I just like myself better this way.

2 thoughts on “Inspired – As of Late

  1. Elizabeth May 10, 2023 / 6:10 am

    I admire and love the person you are!

    • Ayin Es May 11, 2023 / 12:38 pm

      Thank you! I feel exactly the same about you my friend.

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