Well, I should have known better than to get my hopes up for Skowhegan. That’s the most challenging place to get into. (More difficult than Harvard!) Maybe I shouldn’t have even applied, but I got my rejection letter on Monday.

However, if I didn’t apply, the answer most certainly would have been “no,” right? Is trying better than not trying at all? Maybe a little. You can’t win the lottery if you don’t play.

It’s still April, so I’m waiting on the results for VCCA. Chances are better there, but I shouldn’t hold my breath. Next month, I’m waiting on answers from the last two residencies (Millay again and Ucross) before I apply for Yaddo again. That will be the end of it for a while because I’m only going to apply for one or two a year from here out.

Why do I do it at all? Because maybe one day I can do one before I get too old. I feel like I might already be too old as it is.

I can only apply for Yaddo and MacDowell every other year. But every year, I’m that much older. And I don’t apply for grants anymore. All I want is one of these two residencies. All the other ones I’ve been applying to are just my way of having better chances of getting into those two. That, and to have a fulfilling experience, of course.

Because I can’t see trying to do this after 60, I didn’t see myself trying to get into these things at the age I am now. It’s really a younger person’s game. I was in my early 30s when I did the Vermont Studio Center residency. That was a long fucking time ago.

Anyway, I’ve been moping around the last ten days because I was still dragging from being sick. I’ve made one lousy watercolor and doing minimal sketches in my sketchbook.

My ideas are slim. I guess I’m falling into a depression. Then again, I also quit smoking again nine days ago. That probably explains a lot. Last time I quit for 32 days. I really want to be done for good, but this happens every time. Last time, my psychiatrist even prescribed me extra medication to get through it, but I didn’t feel much different. I was still breaking out in tears most days, and that’s happening again. AND I’m on the patch! It just sucks.

Hopefully, I won’t embarrass myself today because I do plan on going over to Teresa’s today to draw with her—a plan I had a couple of weeks back that never happened because I was still too sick. If we do get together today, I have a feeling it will cheer me up a bit. Fingers crossed.

4 thoughts on “Reject

  1. Hannah April 19, 2023 / 7:58 am

    It is a young person’s game. Everything is a young person’s game. Because in many creative fields you are at your best when you are younger, that’s when you have your best ideas, then a few years later you’ve got nothing. You can see it in the careers of just about every musician on earth. Would you rather listen to “Revolver” or Paul McCartney’s 40th album? Rhetorical question! 🙂

    The lucky thing for you is you’re an artist, and artists continue to get better and remain relevant and important as they get older. Artists and writers can carry on forever. You will carry on forever and your art will carry on forever. I think the “one lousy watercolor” above is amazing, and it’s more than some people will do in a month. Or a year. Or a lifetime.

    • Ayin Es April 19, 2023 / 8:12 am

      Okay, I will not answer your rhetorical question. Ha ha ha. AND, I will take your beautiful compliment. Perhaps I needed one, but yours is pretty giant. Thank you. I’ll do so much as to let it soak in 20-30 seconds longer than I normally would. You just gave me a better day. 🙂

  2. Heather Lowe April 19, 2023 / 2:17 pm

    Man, I think you have been so successful with grants and residences and the like. Keep on. As Julius Eastman would say, “Stay on it.”

    • Ayin Es April 21, 2023 / 7:54 am

      Thanks Heather. I think when I was younger, it seemed easier (for whatever reason). Thanks for the great vote of confidence! I love you for it. 🙂

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