Keep On

Days have gone by and I’ve basically done a whole lot of nothing. It’s occurred to me that I get this way after art shows, and even though the Art Tours wasn’t an art show per se, it took a lot of time and energy. Now I’m in that nosedive that I usually take after I have solo shows.

Being open and “on” for three weekends in a row from 9 to 5 without any Ativan was pretty difficult when I usually do art receptions for just a couple of hours after taking a couple of milligrams. I didn’t think of that until today. So, no wonder I’m feeling so exhausted. It’s that introvert phenomenon. I don’t feel like talking to any more strangers or doing anything. I just feel like resting. I’m also not feeling well, not just mentally, but physically too. I don’t know what to attribute that to, however.

I was just telling a friend in an email how I always feel bad when I don’t do anything work-wise. I always feel such guilt. I mean, I’ve been thinking of plans, but that’s about it. I’ve been making plans for a project proposal for a residency application. That’s coming along pretty well in my head, but I haven’t begun writing it out yet. I’m a little hesitant because I’m still trying to find words for the This Land show next year. I’m totally blank on that one. I’m usually pretty good with writing things like that, but not lately. Not at all. I’m all spaced out and brain farting. It sucks.

I haven’t started any artwork and haven’t wrapped up the remainder of the paintings in the garage either. They’re just sitting there. Waiting. I haven’t moved my easel back into my studio room yet. I have a couple of quick drawings I need to put inside of some books and haven’t even managed those. Man, am I lazy as fuck.

Okay, maybe I will take a crack at writing the proposal for the Yaddo application today. Maybe it doesn’t have to be the best thing on earth since I’ve never gotten in in the past and I feel I’ve written some good ones. Maybe I just don’t have the resume for it. That’s been held against me before. Or maybe the work just isn’t good enough. Not much I can do about either. 

Well, gotta try. Gotta keep on keeping on, right? What else is there to do?

One thought on “Keep On

  1. MM Strunij November 4, 2021 / 9:51 pm

    Give yourself a break now and then! Ativan is fine….having downed quite a few, za Nm I know…but there is a deeper and more sustainable calm that flows by itself just by breathibg …the old in and out. A nice soak in a tub with Epsom salts is great if you are okay with that. Self care is the key to saying so long to Mr. Anxiety!MM reminds you that Reb Nachman’ big slogan was ” Never, ever choose despair

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