Little Candid Things

Still down and out, but I’ve been trying to work a bit to get my mind off of shit.


Ya know, people don’t really talk about depression, do they? It’s down right embarrassing, especially because it’s transient. For me it is anyway. I am of the bipolar ilk. I’ll come out of it and then I’ll feel shame after spending my time isolating and crying for however long it lasts. And I’ll feel bad for whoever had to experience it all in the nearby vicinity. That might be why I’ll isolate for the most part. I don’t like to put my shit on other people. It’s bad enough that my boyfriend has to see it and deal with it. I feel so bad for him. I’m sure he feels helpless. He sure gave me a wonderful birthday gift though.

Sometimes meds and therapy don’t fix everything. Sometimes you just have to go through some darkness and pain, and it sucks.

For a long time I thought that I would one day be able to reach a point in time where I would heal 100%, like have a full recovery from all the pain of my past. This is such an unrealistic goal/expectation, but I had it anyway. Now I am starting to learn that the pain is forever and meds and therapy are just a way to cope. It’s all just management. I’ve thought the same damn thing about my physical disability too. Isn’t that ridiculous? I think it is. Now. I thought I could wean myself off all my medications eventually until I wasn’t on any anymore – as if I would be able to survive happily that way: symptom free. Duh!

I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess we live in a society that is geared to make us feel bad and weak for depending on meds – and especially for brain cooties. It’s too bad, isn’t it? It’s too bad that I had to think twice (or five times) before I even decided to write about this topic! But I’ve always been pretty candid here, and in my book, which I do plan to publish broadly and is filled with little candid things, features the fact that I was living most of my life without meds. What a struggle that was. I was anti-medication for most of my life. I was one of those people that thought I would be weak if I had to depend on a pill(s) to manage my depression and anxiety. Now I am the opposite. I am an advocate. I think it’s dangerous for people like me not to be medicated. And I never thought I’d say that.

Anyway, lately I have been having a hard time and I don’t know what’s up. I just hope I don’t need a change in meds or something. I’ve been depressed on and off since I quit smoking, mostly because I have gained so much weight. That’s pretty much what set it off. Then, a bunch of little things have been triggering a few downward spirals. I almost quit therapy the other day. I started to feel really grim, like hopeless or something and I haven’t felt that bad in a long, long time. I’m also still trying to get used to my C-PAP sleeping machine too. Grrr!

So today, I just decided to get busy again. It helps me. I also have this blog as a platform, an opportunity if you will, to write out my feelings and process it all out. Yes, it’s self-indulgent, but it’s my blog; I can do what I want. I don’t have to post only good news . I have my struggles too (as some people know all too well), and maybe someone out there can relate to all this?

Making art is such a good way to cope. I sometimes over do it, I know, but i need it like I need the medicine. And I also have been needing to process out a little creative rut I’ve been going through too (if everything else wasn’t enough).

The above painting I’m working on is really just another attempt at this:


It’s just a different approach/different interpretation. I originally intended to approach it like this, more or less. But it’s not exactly what I want to be doing “from here on out” or anything. This is the problem with being a “gallery artist.” Painting “one-offs.” I naturally – usually – create in series’ anyway because I’ll get interested in something and want to explore it for a while. But sometimes I just want to get a single idea out of my system and it doesn’t necessarily “go” with anything else I have done, or will do in the near future. That’s the dilemma with the one I am currently working on. Oh well! Is that really a “problem?” No, not really. I just have to figure out how to display it on my website, but I’ll figure it out.

The last piece I made that I felt really great about is this one:


This is something I probably want to explore more – perhaps play around with different landscapes though, like maybe Los Angeles hillside neighborhoods instead of Joshua Tree/Yucca Valley, or maybe both. I want to play with the fabric, paper, paint combo and bits of weird “architecture.” I love that this is cluttered on the bottom half and open on the top. My friend Elizabeth Hoffman also gave me a bunch of toile and I am excited to use it in some new work. (By the way, that website for Elizabeth is really old and outdated. I am in the process of building her a new one.)

Well, I think that’s it for now. Thanks for listening to my complaints and what not. I appreciate it.

4 thoughts on “Little Candid Things

  1. Shana July 24, 2016 / 11:57 am

    Thank you for being brave and thank you for sharing. I always read your posts and feel a little less isolated (as an artist and a human) every time.

  2. Hosh July 24, 2016 / 12:02 pm

    Here’s to hoping we one day realize that it’s 100% human to need any and every kind of help to make sense of this world! One foot in front of the other…

  3. Elizabeth July 25, 2016 / 10:06 am

    I LOVE the bottom two paintings – they’re wonderful and so are you!

  4. Carol Es July 25, 2016 / 1:01 pm

    Thank you Shana. I feel good having your support. 🙂 You too Hosh. And Elizabeth – thank you for the wonderful complement. It means everything. 🙂

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