For the first time late last night I began to get totally inspired paintings in my head. I was looking around on the internet like I usually do at art and I saw some work by Debra Smith that really inspired me. It makes me want to take my mixed media works to a whole new level. I thought about drawing out some compositions, but I was so crazy tired, I couldn’t it. I was nodding off at my computer (which I often do) and I had to get myself into the bed before I slammed my nose into my keyboard.
This morning was not like last night. I’ve been tired all day. I started off by trying to work on that lousy watercolor for like 40 minutes, and just got bored out of my wits and stopped. Today is the 2nd day of quitting smoking (again!) Yes, I went back to the old ball and chain. I didn’t even last that long either. I am weak. But I am going to keep trying. …I guess? I feel like I should probably stop announcing it because I’m only making myself look bad because I keep starting up again.
I stopped on May 27th because I felt like, everything is going well. I’m not stressed out in any way. I’m happy. Things are fine. nobody died. I won’t be in crisis mode, so it’s a good time to stop. Then the shit hit the fan on the 5th of June. Mind you, I stayed the course for three more days or so, but more crap came pouring into the fan and I could not take the pressure. I was in crisis – a lot like going through more death. Too bad I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I will when I can sort some thing out.
So I tried quitting again about a week later. That didn’t last long either. More crap in the fan. Now I’m just trying to get over it all and move on.
However, I had vowed that I would quit this year no later than my birthday because I don’t want to be smoking my whole life. That’s in 11 days from now and I guess I’m getting a head start. That is, unless I cave. Today I feel like caving, but I haven’t so far.
I have quit a lot of things before, but this is the worst. I feel like I was never really addicted to anything before if this is this bad.
So after working on the watercolor, I went out to the studio to dabble in that “therapy” piece that is going nowhere. I know what I basically want to do to finish it for the most part, but I’m not all that happy with that one either. I feel like I just want to finish these two pieces so I can get down to business with some new stuff – whatever that might be. I feel like new stuff is brewing, or stewing, or percolating, or cooking, or whatever kind of heating up it’s doing, but it’s not ready to be taken off the stove yet.
Then there are a couple small pieces I have to do for some charity events. One is for a benefit for LA Family Housing and the other is for the Torrance Art Museum. I know what I’m doing for TAM because I did a solo show there back in 2007 and did these little pin drawings on the wall, so I figured I’d do a little panel with one small one on it. But for the one that’s for LA Family Housing that’s going to be at Room & Board, I could essentially make a small version of something “new.” What’s that going to be though?
I want to piece together paper, maybe fabric too, and I want to paint on top of it too. It’s the color palette that I’m not sure about yet. There’s something about the work that was inspiring me by Debra Smith that was making me think about my manila pattern paper and keeping it raw. Something about that is interesting to me. And if I start picking out fabrics that are not so colorful, like I had been, and let the paint be the color, that could be compelling to me and I think hold my interest for a whole series. I’d have to work on a couple to see.