Slow Chip

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Spencer the dog never worked out. He was too wired up and crazy for my border collie and liked to jump four feet off the ground a lot. They just didn’t get on too well and I opted not to get him, which is fine. I need a dog that is going to get along with Buddy well since Buddy doesn’t have much time left. He’s over 12 years old now and I want him to enjoy his last years, not just endure them.

I’ve been in Joshua Tree for the last week and it was great as usual. It rained one of the days I was out there and the smells are just fantastic. There’s nothing like it. I also met some new people and they are very special and I hope to hang out with them again next time I go out, which will probably be around the holidays.

I am still working on Bioillogical, my show at UCLA Medical Center. It’s been slow-going. I have a couple of peeks here, but I don’t have much to show yet. Even if I had more, I’m saving it for the show. I also have an illustration to do for Alligator Stew, a small press that has accepted one of my poems and asked me to illustrate a poem by another writer for their next publication.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’M STILL TIRED! I have many ideas and plans swimming around in my head. I’m inspired and all that, I just don’t have the physical energy to get it all done. It really pisses me off.

As for the novel, I’m at 60,000 words. I’ve turned 9. My family just bought the house that they hold onto the longest in North Hollywood. This is where a lot of shit happens, not that a lot of fucked up shit hasn’t already. I moved about a dozen times already before this point between three states. My parents have separated four times – and I’m NINE! Luckily, it doesn’t happen again, but that doesn’t mean I wish I would. Good thing I get out of there five years from this time… Damn, I have so much more to write….

Working vs. Sleeping

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I’ve been working towards an exhibit that I will be hanging the first week of January at the Learning Resource Center at UCLA Geffen School of Medicine called Bioillogical. It’s going to include a couple paintings and mostly drawings on pattern paper, plus a few of my specimens in glass Erlenmeyer flasks — speaking of which, I have put up a KickStarter project to complete this entire series. PLEASE HELP! There are some great incentives for you to contribute there.

I say I am working on the pieces for this upcoming show, but I have to admit, I am doing a lot of sleeping. I am STILL going through a long bout of fatigue that has not let up very much. I am embarrassed to admit just how long my daily naps are exactly, but I believe they are just not normal. I’m looking forward to getting back to what was once normal.

I’m also considering adopting a new doggie. I am going to take my Bordie Collie and myself to meet Spencer on Wednesday to see how we all like each other. If it goes well, I just might bring him home with me.

The novel is coming along slowly. I’m chipping away at it little bits at a time. I am still not even at the best parts, so it feels boring. While I’ve written in parts of my life at 40, stories about a few key people, a few tragedies, and my parents’ histories, I decided to then go chronologically from the beginning of my life and now I’m not yet nine years old. I’m at the part where my family finally got back together after a long separation, drove across the country from Pennsylvania to Los Angeles, and we are about to rent an apartment in North Hollywood on Coldwater Canyon Blvd. The bulk of the shit has yet to begin, but I’m at 52,000 words (200 pages) into this rough draft now. And I still have a lot to write.

Me and my brother with “Gigi” our doggie in Culver City, circa 1973.

Still working on Houses.

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I try to make an Artist’s book every other year. They certainly are major projects. This one will be my smallest edition, of only six. It is because there will be two hand-embroidered pages in each, plus three original watercolor pages. The covers have a hand-cut die, plus I still have yet to carve the block print. I still have lots to do and I haven’t really been “on it” the way I should be. I last did the sketches for the watercolors a week ago. Today I realized I will have to score each page about an 1/8 of an inch inside the binding for the pages to flip better. Yes, lots to do, but a good deal is done as well.

All the letterpress is done – there was a lot. The two etchings are done, and the digital art is done (four of those pages.) Here’s a peek at a couple:

HOUSES is based on poem, written in 1999 by me. I updated it a bit for the book. The papers I’m using used throughout are Artistico Fabriano, Rives BFK, Strathmore Artagain, Moab Kayenta 205 gsm., various cereal boxes as the front and back covers, and imported handmade flower pressed papers. The pages are going to be all French folds and then Japanese stab bound with waxed linen thread from Ireland.

Here again is one of the etchings:

I am still trying to think of a clever box or leather casing to put these in. I have thought of a wooden box, mini suitcase, etc., but I’ve also considered a kind of tattered leather pouch with embossed lettering. Still thinking about it…

SLOTH

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I’m going to come clean. The last week or two I have really haven’t done anything. I have made one drawing and have worked on my book very little. Last weekend I was at a resort with my best friend for her birthday, and the rest of the time I have been meaning to clean my house, but I haven’t. I have been mostly sleeping because I am dealing with CRUSHING FATIGUE!

I deal with a lot of fatigue anyway, but lately it is getting worse and worse. Can I just complain a little here? I am so sick of it! It makes me feel like an unaccomplished loser. Meanwhile, my mind is swelling with ideas and I can’t execute any of them. I physically don’t have the motivation. I’m lucky if I can do some dishes, then I have to lay down again. I’m good for sitting down and writing a bit, but that’s about it. I’m now about 40,000 words into my rough draft of the book. I tinker with it pretty often, but I can only write a little under 1000 words a sitting.

Never have I fully disclosed what is fully wrong with me. I have been conflicted about it for so many years for so many reasons. I don’t want to be the artist with a disability. I don’t want people to treat me differently, because they have. I also have issues with thinking that people wouldn’t believe all that is going on because it’s kind of a lot. I also don’t want to appear like I am kavetching or whining.

If you are seen with/in some kind a apparatus, like a wheelchair, people will define you as such. It’s just the way it is. There are times when I need such things and have met people, then met the same people when I was without the chair and they do not remember having hours long conversations with me before. It really sucks.

I have Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus. To boot, I also have Ulcerative Colitis. If that’s not enough for you, I have Bipolar disorder. Isn’t that peachy? Maybe you think “No wonder you’re tired!” but I don’t give myself much of a break because I’ve had most of these things for years and have managed to produce a LOT of art and exhibit in many shows. I am only 43. Why am I now getting so very very tired? I have too many ideas to have this happening right now. I just hope this isn’t the beginning of some relapse. I’ve been in remission for some time. But remission is not all it’s chalked up to be. It’s not like everything is 100% in working order. You never bounce back to your “normal.” You’re always left with residual and daily pain, ups and downs and “Hi, how are ya! I’m a new symptom, pleased to meet ya!”

There’s arthritis, electrical pain, weakness, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, tremors, buzzing, vision problems, depression, stupidity and brain fog, memory lapses, rashes, and pee issues you don’t want to know about. I don’t complain all that much about it, considering, and never to friends, but today, I just feeling like punching a hole in the wall. That is, if I had the fucking energy.

Thinking

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I’ve been working on this project for over two years, but I don’t have the money to finish it, so I am considering doing a kind of lottery. Not sure yet, but if I could get enough people to buy lottery tickets, maybe I can raise the money to finish the project and the winner of the lottery can come away with a piece of art. I wonder what readers think about this? I need about $2500. The money is for the glass flasks for this so that they all look like these inside the glass.

Uh like so: