Today I heard that resolutions are meant to be forgotten. Pretty funny. I don’t usually make any. But I’m hoping this year will be different, and I’m wanting to commit to them now more than ever. I feel I’m getting too old to flake out on them.

It may not have been the greatest week to have chosen to do this, but Hannah and I joined Noom the Monday before the holiday (Xmas) weekend. I didn’t plan on eating like hell when we went out of town, but we did. I’m learning on Noom that it was just a slip I can let go of and move on. Get back on the horse and all that. I guess I’m learning not to be so judgemental of myself.

Noom is teaching me a lot of things as a matter of fact. Maybe now that I’m typing here, I’m seeing this more.

I have already lost a couple of pounds and I haven’t even been all that strict on my calorie counts. I even bought a Fitbit. But that doesn’t even matter. That is not exactly the point of this Noom thing. It’s teaching me to make better food choices in general. It’s helping me not to obsess about my weight so much–a goddamn miracle if you ask me. I’m not thinking so much about the weight loss goal. Instead, I’m thinking about a bigger-picture goal. Like, being more confident and comfortable in my own skin.

Since making this particular goal, my therapist also asked me to start thinking about a goal to shoot for–what I might want to work on for the coming year. I thought about how much anxiety I deal with and how it significantly blocks me from enjoying my life. I noticed this severely while we drove to and from Lake Arrowhead on those slippery hairpin turns around the mountains.

So, I would like to work on how I can enjoy my life more before it’s over. Before it passes me by, or I get too old, or before I lose my memory or something.

I came to these thoughts for a lot of reasons. Probably because of Noom, yes. Probably because of that drive. And because I visited one of my greatest friends last week–someone who I consider my dad. He has been having medical issues lately that’s caused him to lose a great deal of his memory. It is hard to watch. Harder for his loved ones than for him probably, though, he’s aware of it right now.

I’m pretty knowledgeable of how memory works since caring for my mom when she had dementia. It’s “sad” for others to deal with, and that could very well be a vanity type of thing. It’s hard to explain, but I learned a lot from being around her during that time. How we are not our memories as many people might think. I would have liked to have talked to my adopted dad about this last Monday, but his wife was there and it just wasn’t the right time. Plus, this is all very new to him right now.

Anyway, it all got me thinking about enjoying my life. Surprisingly, my dad is enjoying his life more now than ever despite his illness. He feels like a new person, which was why I wanted to talk to him about my memory theory and who he was at his core, which is an amazing person. It didn’t matter that he forgot things about me–things he’s known about me for decades. That’s totally okay with me. It’s the nature of the beast. No reason to be sorry or anything.

However, it got me thinking about my own future since dementia runs rampant in my family. I don’t want to always feel so much fear and anxiety. I want to enjoy this life while I can. I don’t want to be so sad about my weight, or my flaws. I should be seeing that I always do the best I can. Maybe I’m getting to that age or something, or maybe I’m embarking on some new epiphany (I hope so!).

In any case, these are basic resolutions for now and the new year I guess, and I read on Noom that if you actually write these things down and tell others your goals, they are more likely to come to fruition. So here they are. Fingers crossed.