Trying. Trying. I’m always trying to get shit done. Seems it’s never-ending and it seems like it’s never good enough. But I think I’m getting somewhere, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

I’m working on many things at once, so I guess that’s why it can feel like I’m not accomplishing any one thing. Yesterday, it seems I wasted the entire morning fixing my email accounts. I still had my main Google account (the one I pay for Google with) in my old name, and couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it or transition it to Ayin without losing all my vital information. Finally, I figured it out, but there were a few things I missed. Ya can’t think of everything sometimes. So, I lost all my YouTube stuff. Not a huge deal, but I don’t have much of that stuff anymore. They’re gone on hard drives long in the past. Not so important, though. One was a video, like a montage, I made of my old band. So far, I can’t find it. Until then, I managed to edit the ones I have up there now.

The VIP packs are nearly done and ready to be compiled. I’m just waiting on the cans, bandaids, and postcards, which are coming from the gallery. The bandaids aren’t 100% confirmed, but I’m pretty sure we’re doing them.

Here’s how the kits will look sans the postcard:

Presented inside the first-aid pouch will be…

The exhibition postcard; the dinner invitation (soup can), which really has soup in it; a small bottle of chamomile; needle and thread in a test tube; 4 antiseptic wipes; 2 custom Dan bandaids; 1 pair of surgical gloves; an origami wallet with 4 folded positive affirmations; a paper fortune teller; 3 Dan stickers; a Call a Friend reminder card; 2 mindful guide cards; 4 meditation cards; and a full-color pocket brochure of the story of Dan.

What do we think? Will that pique people’s interest? Will it give the impression of healing? The show is titled On the Mend, after all. That’s the best I could come up with!

The embroideries are also finished. They weren’t when I started writing this, so I hadn’t felt accomplished yet. I had to iron them all, and then I sewed random threads to each of them. Some only got one or two. A few got three or four. They’re going to hang down over the cloth. I decided to do this instead of pulling the threads out of the embroideries themselves and undoing all my work. I just couldn’t do it. But at least they have a slight vibe of messiness. The muslin is tattered enough.

As for my floor sculpture, I have to wait until fall because the next step has to be done in the garage, and it’s still 100 degrees here, daily! It hasn’t let up for over a month. I’m relying on Hannah for this part because I’m no good with power tools. She has a plan to stabilize the armature. I only halfway understand her plan and won’t “get it” until I see her work on it really. But after she shows me and I assist her like I’m Igor in the lab, I can continue with sewing on it and connecting the parts the way I need to. It will be the last thing on the agenda before the show comes.

Over the weekend, Hannah helped me record the podcast that will air on Compound’s Art Personals, where artists describe another artist’s artwork using only words and sounds. And who’d art do you think I chose? I’ll give you a hint. It’s one of my favorite living abstract artists whom I’ve talked about a LOT.

Today, I’d planned on working on a new painting that’s a leftover from that stitched triptych I abandoned. It’s only one of the canvases, so it’s somewhat on the smaller side. It will be a little experimental, so we’ll see what I can do with it. My plan is to sorta-kinda stain it with gouache in the same way I would have done it with tempera or ink, but I don’t have tempera. And I only have black ink. The canvas is raw, and I’ve only worked with that once or twice before. We’ll see what it does. I may try using some coffee and tea as well, kinda how I did this piece ages ago, but this was not raw canvas:

I’m erasing the next few paragraphs because I complained about how nervous I am about how I look and how people will view me in November (at my show) if I don’t lose any weight by then. But I’m not supposed to care. I’m in ED treatment now. I have an eating disorder, and I’m not even supposed to be weighing myself, so I won’t. I might lose some weight. I might gain some.

I worry because I know that most of society thinks fat is “bad” no matter your circumstances. Fuck genetics, age, disability, medications, menopause, hormones, and metabolism; you must fight against all of that despite what it does to you, despite the suffering, despite your health, because people think health is synonymous with being thin. That is the belief of most people and even doctors.

I guess people who are thin never have heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, or cancer (even though I’ve known plenty of people like that).

Ya know, getting old doesn’t bother me. I can handle that. I’ve lived a lot of life, and now I’m old. I’d rather this than be young. I know young people judge you for being old, too. But I don’t care about that. They’re too young to understand. It’s no different than teenagers who think they know how it is, and they just don’t. I wish I could feel the same confidence about how I look as I do about my age. What’s with that???