Art & Process

What Matters Next?

March 30, 2014March 31, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

What matters next about life, about art, about going forward? Is there any purpose in staying still?

I am a shark. We are all sharks. Aren’t we?

shark

For me, planning is the fun part. Even in the planning, I feel am moving forward.

What I’m trying to get across here is that, whatever you are planning next in your life is important. It matters, whether it is to clean the bathtub, envision your next painting, or visit your grandmother. It moves you forward.

Some people even have the ability to be in the present and enjoy those moments. You guys will have to write a blog post about that and teach me how to do that.

When I stay still, the darkness consumes me. Fear takes over. I don’t know if it does for you. I don’t even know how many are willing to admit it either.

We must move forward, especially when there is loss. Especially when there is death. What is the point in staying still then?

I suppose that’s why I make so many projects for myself.

I know I said a while back that I was no longer going to talk about this on my blog, but today I have been doing a little bit of writing in my book. Not an Artists’ book, but the “big” book. The one I refer to as Shrapnel.

I figured this thing might take a good 10 years before I actually get it done! It’s taking so long because I just don’t have the time. I also don’t have the feeling to work on it everyday. And, in a lot of places, I truly avoid writing about some of the subjects. They are difficult.

Shit comes up and it reminds me that: now I gotta go relive that all over again. And I have to relive it as I am now, which is a lot harder than when I had to go through it back then, if that makes any sense.

When you go through the hard things in your past, it’s not all that hard because somehow, you got through it. You used some kind of coping mechanism. You disassociated through it, or you slithered through by the skin of your teeth, totally unscathed, and then, you moved forward somehow.

So not only did I write out a bit of the hard facts in my book today and relive all that horrible crap, but now I’m going to tell you a little bit about it! Thrice! How’s that for some masochism?

I was writing about one of the many times I moved back to my parents’ house in my early 20s. This particular time, I decided to renovate the garage into a formal art studio, complete with skylights and a loft, halogens, and white walls, bright colored beams and stairs. I wish there was a picture of it. Why didn’t we ever take a picture of it?

Before beautifying it though, there was an enormous amount of junk that was kept in storage in the attic and I had to go through most of it before throwing it away. The garage was also the scene of a horrific crime(s) I had gone through some years earlier in my life, and why I wanted to gut it and live there was pretty strange to begin with.

Anyway, at the time, my thought was that I could live there rent free and save my money to buy my own house. What an idiot I was to think that this plan would actually work! I think it lasted all but four months before I couldn’t stand it any longer, living with my parents that is – even with 100 feet between us – it made absolutely no difference – I became certifiably insane.

However, I sure made a lot of paintings during that time, and that’s how I got through it. That’s how I moved forward.

You know when you do about 20 to 30 paintings, but you’re lucky to get one or two winners out of the bunch? That’s what happened during that time, and this was one of the winners at that time, called Greenman. I wish I had a better picture of it, but it became one of the best paintings I ever did, at the time – like I said. It went to a guy that collected some pretty nice works, so I hope he still has it. It was hanging right near a real Picasso in his dining room last time I checked.

Now I am moving forward by thinking of the new paintings that will be coming. ROCKS! I have been thinking about rocks!

Rocks and Hebrew letters, and I will tell you something else that has been on my mind for the last 72 hours… scaffolding, ropes, railroad ties …and how that can be used in repairing old architecture? These ideas are not yet formed.. But these are the beginnings of something that’s coming.

We’ll see what that’s all about

From a Distance

March 17, 2014March 17, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

So the past few days I’ve been on the fence – do I go to Tuscaloosa? Do I not?. I’m confused.

As it stands now, there’s quite a few people coming in to see my Aunt Susie at the hospice facility. It sounds like a wonderful place.

I don’t know, if you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing in my blog – especially since I have this great Kickstarter Campaign happening, it’s because I really don’t know what to say at the moment. It doesn’t mean I’m not excited about my project. I totally am! I’m just also dealing with this thing with my aunt too, and I don’t feel much like writing to anybody, if that makes sense.

You know when you just want to be alone with your thoughts? I’m usually so up for sharing mine, but just not right now. Not about what I’m feeling right now. Not tonight, in this moment.

Lately, I have been just diving, no, burying myself in tasks so I don’t have to think about it. I built this rock garden over the last week in my backyard:

It looks better from above:

Don’t be too impressed. I had help:

But between you and me – and don’t tell her this – she really wasn’t much help at all. In fact, there were times she even managed to slow down the entire operation! The job took about a week. Good thing I wasn’t on it every day. It was just something I was doing to calm my nerves, and it super worked. I just don’t have the room in my yard to keep building rock gardens.

Whatever the case, when I was finished with this one, I felt very accomplished, even though I kept chipping away at this thing in my pajamas, so please excuse how frumpily floppy I appear here.

I’ve also been building the ExodusJoshuaTree.com website, but I can’t show that to you yet. It’s pretty simple and straight forward, and really not much to it (now that I’m finally coding it), but it just took a long time to design it. I got picky, then not so picky, got some opinions, got a little sad, tried again, liked it better, started hating it, started over again, changed it a lot, then changed it a little, started seeing monkeys… You know. The usual.

So, I’m still tweaking it a little …I think.

My Kickstarter is 36% funded with about 25 days to go! Pretty good, eh? Although, I was getting pledges like mad the first couple days, and now, none the last couple days. NONE! Not even a pledge for a postcard. What’s up? What do I need to do?

First of all, I probably need to post MUCH better pictures of myself. Okay, okay, I will! I promise! I will look around for some and I will find some fashion shots that will blow your socks off. Will that do it? I’ll try it.

The Kickstarter Campaign Has Begun!

March 12, 2014March 14, 2014Ayin Es1 Comment

I’ve done it! I have finally launched, my long-awaited Kickstarter campaign:

An Exodus in Joshua Tree – and – it is what it is.

It is not the greatest video on Earth, and in fact, it’s pretty crappy, but, I had a LOT of problems, like not being able to use my good camera (it’s broken), and just a whole bunch of other roadblocks in general, PLUS the fact that I don’t know how to make videos! I’m also obviously not a very good public speaker. It was really hard to put myself out there and you can hear every little vulnerability in my voice. I hate that I am so easily read sometimes. But… it is what it is.

Well, maybe now that it’s out there, everything I’ve been going on about will make a little more sense? I was going to have a bigger lead-up to this, like make it more like a story that would keep everyone on the edge of their seats, but I just couldn’t wait any longer to get this thing launched already. It’s not like I am submitting something for the Oscars, it’s just something to make people understand what my idea for this exhibition is. I hope I at least did that successfully.

PLEASE, pass it around. Fingers crossed. We’ll see what happens.

The Project

March 5, 2014March 5, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

It’s all about the project. It’s not like I’m just now realizing that, I’m just telling you. That’s what it’s always about.

I think before I was guilty about it, and now I am more accepting of it. It’s like, now it’s all okay with me. I don’t know why I used to feel guilty, for always being on a project, for always being busy, for always doing, for being ambitious. I mean, that’s who I am, and why should I apologize for it? I think it’s been because I’ve always had a couple people in my life that I know have/had been judging me about it. They wanted me to feel ashamed about it – for whatever reason, I do not know, but fuck ’em.

Today I spent the day with one of my besties, artist, Rochelle Botello. She and I can talk about art, process, and art projects until the cows come home. What does that saying mean, anyway? Why were the cows away from home, and why is it that the time it takes them to come home is supposedly really lengthy? I understand, “until the sun comes up.” That means a lot of hours, but what’s up with those cows?

Anyhow, she and I had a good day. It feels good to be able to talk to someone else that understands all the ins and outs of the life of an artist; things like naming an exhibition, or expressing narrative in the artwork both while in you’re in the process of it, and while you’re driving down the street – kinda like texting while driving! Or even talking about where you are on your current projects. I use this blog for that a lot (obviously).

Speaking of Rochelle, and projects, we were just at a book symposium on Sunday at Otis, which was super interesting. I was also finally able to see my show there. I was blown away with how my book was displayed in the same display box with Nikki de Saint Phalle, Laura Owens, Paul McCarthy, Dieter Roth, Anat Shalev, and Carolee Schneemann! The box next to me had an amazing Kara Walker book too. Crazy. Plus, there was a beautiful Nikki de Saint Phalle accordion book out and displayed on top of one of the boxes.

The symposium had a few good speakers and a poet. Most interesting was book artist, Sarah Bryant. She had a number of books in the show and spoke a lot about her process and her different projects past, present, and future, and even did a book demonstration on how to do an accordion type folio. She made me feel so much better about being a book artist in general. Everything from how much trash I made, how fussy I am, to self imposed deadlines. I’m not the only one! I felt like I was probably in a whole audience of people just like me, and the key speaker was making us all feel like we weren’t all freaks.

Her books are all very “graphic design” looking, to me anyway, but there were a few that had such lovely elements that reminded me of old-skool typography mixed with modern, abstract minimalism. It was very aesthetic and clean, but not antiseptic or anything like that. Go to her website and check out her books. They are cool. I especially love the cut-outs in this abstract book the most.

And so speaking of books, I’m still fussing with the Monographie book. Always little “problems” I run into, and things to fix, plus shit I change my mind about. Now I’m going to bore you with some of it, because, well, why not? If you get sleepy, have some cocaine.

I decided to have one color page in the front, but not full color, just spot color. It’s such a small detail to make a large change over, but I was already making some other changes at the time, like the fact that I had spelled “foreword” wrong in a couple places (I spelled it “foreward”). I had to fix that typo anyway, and a few drawings needed changing as far as what kinds of files they needed to be.

Remember I had to learn Adobe Illustrator and InDesign “real quick” before finishing this book? Well, I realized that not every file looked “good” once they were a vector image. Drawings with lots and lots of small scribbles in them don’t work as vectors. They only work as super, high resolution jpgs, like 600 DPI, otherwise, as vectors, those scribbles lose detail and wind up looking like ink splatters.

So I had to change a few of those drawings. I also had to reformat some of the text that is in there, albeit, there isn’t much. Michael‘s foreword is barely three pages, and I only wrote a few paragraphs in the back, otherwise the whole book is just drawings – more than 60 now. The entire book is 154 pages total.

And that’s the final count. It’s done. The PDF is finished, formatted and ready for the printer, and the front and back cover plates (for letterpress) are being ordered tomorrow. And I’ll be dammed if I lift another finger, other than signing and numbering them!

I used to do all my own letterpressing, but Bill will take it from here. I just need to put together a few bucks.

And speaking of a few bucks, that brings me to my Kickstarter project…

Okay, I’m tired. To be continued! Oh, I’m not done yet. I’m never done.

(All these photos were taken by Rochelle Botello.)

Okay, More

March 1, 2014March 5, 2014Ayin EsLeave a comment

I’m back. That only took a few days, But what cha gonna do?

So where was I? Oh yes. C, D, and E, right? That was like, what? Two weeks ago?

Seeing my good friends, Dennis and Jean, was SO nice, I can’t even tell you. That might sound boring to you, but it’s not for me. I don’t carve time like that out for myself hardly ever. It was SO nice. They have a house in Palm Springs, and I didn’t stay there last time. I don’t usually stay at anyone’s house, unless they are like family or something, but they insisted. I took them up on it and I am so glad I did. Dennis is like, well, Dad to me in many, many ways. He is too young to be my dad, but I consider him like a father to me anyway. He’s helped me more than my own father has, mentally/emotionally that is. It was good to spend quality time with him. And Jean is probably the nicest person on the Earth. I really don’t say that flippantly either. She truly is! This woman knitted little slipper-socks for me while I was there.

Dennis is an important character in my book that I’m not supposed to talk about, which I’m not. I just want him to know, if he happens to be reading this, that if it weren’t for him, I don’t know where my head would be right now if he didn’t help me through those first couple years after I broke out of the penitentiary, so thanks. See? Read my book when it comes out and you’ll find out all about how I was on Death Row for a murder I didn’t commit!

Anyways…

I also drove out to Joshua Tree while I was there in Palm Springs, for the purpose of getting some footage for my big Kickstarter campaign – which I am going to launch very, very soon! However, when I got out to JTree (It’s about 40-45 minutes from Palm Springs), and after scouting for a location off the road that would be good enough for sound and aesthetic purposes, a bunch of problems arose.

First, I realized that I forgot the mount for my cam that goes onto the tripod. I had to do a kind of odd balancing act with the cam – and it was windy mind you (it’s the high desert after all!), and in case it fell off the base, I tied the strap to the top of the frame so it would not actually fall into the dirt. Luckily it never fell to even test my contraption.

After the first take after I did a little test to see my distance from the camera, but I got it a bit wrong. The top of my head was slightly cut off, otherwise, it was fine. A little wind noise, but, it worked anyway. I needed to do it again and back up a little. So I did, and it just felt better. I checked it for a sec and everything was good, visually. but, the more I played it, the more I listened and heard that the mic was all fucked up. It was clipping in and out, and it wasn’t because of the wind. It was because the mic was fucked up! It was broken and needed to be taken apart and fixed, and not by me. By a professional. So I was screwed. I drove out there for nothing. But it was half the reason I went out to the desert in the first place! I was so upset, I started to cry. Waaaa Waaaa waaaa.

So that was that.

The next day I was interviewed by this woman who has her own YouTube channel dedicated to art and artists. It’s kinda cool! I don’t know when she is putting it up, but you’ll be the first to know.

Okay, now we’re kinda caught up. Sorta.

I’ve been busy.

I’ve been working on that Artist book. Yes, still. I decided to make more changes, but I won’t bore you with that, because mostly, I’ve been working on my Kickstarter campaign that has to do with my Joshua Tree project that I’ve been squeaking about here and there. You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about, do you?

Well, I’ve been telling you about the path, and I’ve been starting you out on the Kabbalah, and that is where it begins. It begins there with meditations on the Hebrew letters, and the Torah, and the story of Exodus, which leads me to the desert, a lot like Moses. Hence, I wind up in Joshua Tree in a house behind a mountain I’ve been referring to as “my little Mt. Sinai.”

Don’t worry, I will make sure that it will all make sense to you once you wake up. Or was that, once I wake up? Oh, dammit! I forgot now. Where was I?

Something about a path…