Lots happening lately. But I didn’t realize I was feeling stressed about it all until yesterday.

Every Tuesday, I see my dietician. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I have an eating disorder. A lot of people ask, “Which one?” There’s no one way to answer that. It’s complicated, plus now I’m in treatment for it. I restricted most of my life. That’s the gist. Now I eat. Now I’m fat and have body image issues. My dietician not only helps me eat better, she helps me address all the self-criticism as well.

Somehow, there’s a correlation between my being extra hyper-critical of how I look and the extra stress happening in my life. Who knew? I didn’t, but it’s true.

I did my artist’s talk last Saturday at my solo show at Compound Yucca Valley. Not too many people were there, but the people who attended seemed to really be engaged. I got some excellent feedback, compelling questions during the Q&A, and several compliments that were truly among the most important of my career to date.

Then, I saw some of the footage that Hannah took on her cell phone. I don’t know why I didn’t take a look in the mirror before I left the house, but I just didn’t. I had no idea I looked as awful as I did. Well, that’s how I felt, anyway. I could hardly deal with what I saw in the video footage. I couldn’t watch it all. I spent the rest of the day sobbing and a lot of the next day, too. I’m just being honest. The self-loathing was immense. People who deal with ED (eating disorders) might know precisely what I’m talking about. It’s a dark trap.

I was able to wiggle out of this state because of the joy that’s coming my way; I am finally getting a dog!

After a long search and a lot of savings spent building a dog run, I found Ruby. She is coming to live with us this coming Sunday. I can hardly wait.

Hannah and I have been working hard to prepare things for her, even before we knew what dog would live here. I’ve been calling her dog run her “ensuite.” There’s a doggie door that leads out to the 10 x 12-foot kennel off of her crate in my studio. It has kennel decking, artificial grass, and a view! It’s bigger than my own bathroom.

We are not quite finished with it because there are a couple of little details that still need doin’, and we plan to have them done by the end of the day on Saturday.

I found Ruby through a local trainer, Sarah Botelho. I got very lucky. I called her months ago, even before I got Hannah’s okay to get a dog (hee hee). I asked Sarah if I could pay her to vet a rescue or help me find a suitable candidate for which I could train as a partial service dog. I told her what I was looking for, and she was up for the task, but “Interesting that I called,” she said. She had a couple of dogs that someone dropped off for a board-and-train and left them there, then moved out of the country. The dogs were two years old—brother and sister. The brother was too hyper, but the female, Ruby, had a great disposition. I got super excited.

But Hannah wasn’t ready to have a dog yet.

My friend, artist Margeaux Walter, was looking for a dog at that time, and so I recommended Ruby to her. But sooner than later, Margeaux decided to get a puppy. She got the cutest little cattle dog and named her Blanche.

In the meantime, I kept picking “favorites” on Petfinder, which wasn’t easy. To me, they just don’t give enough information on the dog’s profiles. Most are rescues, and, sorry to say, many of them lie. Years ago, we went through three dogs, and all three rescues lied about everything regarding the dogs: their ages, behaviors, whether they were spayed or neutered, potty training, being non-destructive or generally trained, walking on a leash, and more. All three were total nightmares. You have no idea. And I ultimately blamed myself.

So, I called Sarah again for help. Help to find a smart adult dog. That’s when she told me she still had Ruby and would I like to meet her. I’d never even seen a picture of her. I only knew she was some kind of herding dog. She is a German Shepard/Heeler mix.

She texted me this picture:

Oh my god! Those ears! “Yes! I would like to meet her!”

Hannah and I met her at the dog park. She was a bit smaller than I expected, which was a good thing. About 45 pounds, maybe less. We didn’t go inside the actual dog park area. We stayed in the main park, where there were kids and a couple of other dogs running around leashless. Ruby seemed distracted. She’d never been to a park before. A kid on a bike kept riding around in circles. She didn’t like it. Neither did I. I couldn’t get her to look at me. I crouched down and asked her to sit. She did, and she kissed me. I asked for her paw, and she gave me her foot. She still didn’t look at me or connect. I left feeling I had to meet up with her again in another setting, especially because I forgot to bring treats!

The second meeting was at Sarah’s house. I brought treats, and we became instant friends. I fell in love with her. I knew she was my dog then. At least I knew I wanted her to live with me and create an evolving relationship with her. I’ve been looking forward to having her in my life ever since! And, ya know, dogs don’t give a shit about what you look like or what you weigh.

Now, this blog post, like all my posts, turned out completely different than what I thought I would write about. Believe it or not, I thought I was going to be writing about all the scary, dangerous shit going on in the country for trans people and especially trans youth. So, sorry about that. Instead, you can read today’s post from Erin Reed’s Substack and educate yourself on just how bad things are. Sorry about that, too. 🙁