I can’t believe it’s been over ten days since my opening, and I haven’t posted shit about it. I just haven’t felt like writing much at all. I think it’s a combination of exhaustion, burnout, and disassociation.

So, how did it go? I don’t know. It’s a bit of a blur. Early in the night, it was very well attended. Or, at least, more people were there than I expected. My expectations were pretty low because I don’t know too many people in this area. I didn’t expect anyone to drive here from LA, but some did! A couple of people surprised me, like my friend, artist Niki Ford. That was a great surprise!

After that, there were a couple of lulls until things petered out as the performance was nearing. Remember I had a special guest performance at 8:00 pm? We pushed a bit later in hopes more people would show. By 8:30, a couple more people walked in, and finally, Dan appeared and played drums for a few short minutes. It was kinda cute.

When he was done with his little recital, he got up from the drum throne with an envelope in his hand. “YOU” was written on it in colored letters. He wandered into the small crowd and handed it to a random young woman. Then, as silly and mysteriously as he appeared, he slipped away into the back.

In the envelope was a card. And in the opening was a hand-painted speech bubble with colored stripes. Very typical of Dan.

When the following Thursday came around, we held the special VIP dinner for about 20 people. Chef Zara cooked up a four-course gourmet all-vegetarian meal that was absolutely incredible. And I mean to die for!

Since all that happened, I don’t know what I’ve been doing. Resting? Planning to build a dog run even though I’m still in doubt I could be a good dog owner at this point in time. That might sound like I’m being somewhat self-deprecating, and maybe that’s a part of it. There’s a part of me that feels like I don’t deserve a dog for a number of reasons.

First of all, I am partly responsible for Gemma’s death. I should have been more diligent and had her on a leash that night. I should have been right by her side, not twenty feet away.

Second of all, we have been through three dogs since Gemma, each of them taken back to their rescues. I’d say, all for good reasons, but doesn’t that say something horrible about me? About us? At least a lack of patience?

However, we were heavily lied to by all three of these rescues. I was looking for specific qualities and behaviors. The owners at each rescue lied profusely. That’s not to say I don’t have any accountability. I should have vetted the rescues and the dogs better. Both Hannah and I just couldn’t handle the nightmares that each of these dogs were, and believe me, we honestly tried, or we wouldn’t have put in the many, many hundreds of dollars, if not thousands, for each of them.

It wasn’t the money, though. Of course not. Not having a dog in my life is horribly depressing and empty.

Now, what else, besides feeling like I don’t deserve one, makes me feel doubt?

I’m old. I have a chronic pain disorder. I am disabled. I have a spinal disease. My disability gives me chronic fatigue. I think, how can I take care of a dog? How am I going to walk her all the time? I can hardly walk to the mailbox! How am I going to bend down—to brush her, get the goo out of her eyes, get on my knees to talk to her while training her, rub her belly, pick up her doo-doo, clean up her accidents?

What if I fail her? What if I fail Hannah? It will be my dog. My 100% responsibility.

I am scared.

Before I started moving forward with all this, I did a thorough Pros and Cons list, and getting a dog won out very clearly. It is best for my mental health. I just don’t know how it will be for some of my physical health. There are many benefits to my physical health, too. Like movement! I’m just mainly afraid of being able to keep up. I hope I have the energy, strength, and stamina to endure the physical pain it’s going to bring. It makes me tired just thinking about it.