I’ve been obsessed with researching everything regarding my surgery and all things trans. I’m focused on healthily losing weight. (I have lots of attention on that one.) I’ve been making consultation appointments with various doctors for second and third opinions, figuring out my aftercare, What city it’s going to be in, etc. All of this, but I’m entirely lazy about getting back to art.

Art? What art?

Right now, I just want to know what the hotel rates are nearest to my choices of surgical centers. And I’m probably not getting this surgery until February! What’s up with me?

I have this fishing boat painting just sitting here, mocking me. This last week it’s been kind of torturing me to work on it. I put in a couple of hours every other day. It’s just not enough. I’m not interested. I get tired, so easily. My sleep sucks in general, especially lately. I’ll paint a bit, and then I’ll need to lie down. Sometimes, I just need to be alone and think. Or I’ll flip on the TV and try to drift off to sleep and try not to think at all. 

I probably need to get out of my head. So much is happening so fast around here, with me, with Hannah (mostly). I’m both happy and confused. Maybe overwhelmed. Don’t take my confusion as a negative outlook. I’m not against her transition in any way shape, or form. I’m honestly just hung up on something that doesn’t exist. Maybe something that never existed, and I think it was a key piece of my life. However, that can’t be true. These feelings are bogus because she is still right here. She’s just different. Better even. 

These feelings I’ve been having are hard to explain. I think you’d have to be going through the same thing to understand what this is. Even I don’t understand it. 

Until I do, I’m making slow molasses of this boat painting. I finally painted all the little white bits, not that you can tell from the picture, and I’ve now moved onto some light lavenders and pinks. The background is going to be bright blues and greens, but that will be painted last. So, it may not look like much until it’s near finished, whenever that is.