Since the last time I posted, things have been better regarding the Dan book, which is such a relief. The only reason I’ve been able to move on is because Hannah came through for me. She cut all the “dies” by hand with an Xacto.

I did contact the company that made the crappy die and told them that I tried multiple ways to get it to cut through paper. And by the way, this thing was made to also cut through leather! I told them that I even used a press. They just gave me excuses and said the press I was using must not have been level. That can’t be true because, even if I used a letterpress, those aren’t “level.” I’ve used this type of die before on a letterpress without a problem. I’m not cutting through anything too thick, and it won’t even cut through so much as a napkin.

Bottomline, they wouldn’t give me a refund. They’d only send a replacement, which would take another three to four weeks. I don’t want another piece-of-shit die from China. So, Hannah offered to try to cut each one of them by hand and by golly if they aren’t amazing.

I was finally able to start embroidering them, and now I’m more than halfway finished with the covers!

I’m moving right along now. All the pages are complete, and all the signatures are chopped.

I’m so close to getting the covers finished. They need to be folded and cut, then I can start binding everything. Plus, the Plexi boxes are on their way now. I’m both nervous and excited to see them in real life.

I think the last thing I need now is some ribbon. I think I’m going to need a strip of ribbon (or something) to lay around the book in the box in order for it to be removed from the case; it’s going to be snug. But we’ll see how that’s going to work. Once I see how the whole thing comes together, I’ll price it somewhere between $900-$1000, but we’ll see. That’s the estimate for now, but I don’t see it going over that.

On the smoking front—not going too great. I’ve fucked that up. I haven’t been able to cope with my anxiety otherwise, so I’m smoking a little. Nothing like I was before, but I am smoking, which is hella embarrassing to admit when I have so many health issues with my heart and lungs. It’s really hard to justify it. I mean, I can’t justify it. I can’t explain it to anyone. I just have an intense addiction. I’ve tried so many things to quit, and I will continue to try as many things as I can. I will go back to things I’ve tried in the past as well because I’ve been “successful” in the past. The only thing I have not tried is hypnosis, which is something I’m not willing to do due to my past cult experience. But I’m starting to get desperate.

I’ve been trying to study some of Peter Levine’s theory of moving through trauma, beginning with his book Waking the Tiger. He’s written a number of books regarding somatic experiencing (SE), a type of therapy he founded that addresses body memories. For me, this is like a gateway into possibly one day meditating, something that has never been safe for me to do due to having a disassociative disorder, derealization/depersonalization.

But people, many, many people have sworn by meditation, and I hear it all around me: “You should be meditating.” It’s like a catch-all phrase or “cure-all” for my anxiety that I am told by countless people. And every time I hear it, I kinda want to punch them in the face. I only want to do that because the thought of it brings absolute panic up and down my spine.

What people don’t understand is how dangerous meditation can be for people with dissociative disorders, even people with horribly traumatic pasts. There are studies on it. I’m not just talking out of my ass.

When I was in Scientology, I probably did close to a thousand hours of Training Routines, which, without getting into what that is exactly, causes a person not only to completely detach from one’s feelings it can push one into the realm of splitting (total detachment of the self and reality), possibly causing disassociation itself. Compound that with complex childhood trauma, and there you have all the unreality I deal with on a daily basis. It can cause long-term or permanent stress and anxiety. So yeah, let’s meditate!

What works better is mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Breathing. Self-soothing. Self-awareness. Movement. Things that make you more aware of being in your body, whatever that may be. Probably exercise—something I need a lot of, according to some friends of mine that make me well aware of how fat I am. Ha!

In any case, I am always working on myself, despite my complaints otherwise. I’m always trying to peel myself off the floor whenever I feel knocked down. I have no other choice. Art and Hannah are all there is, and that’s a lot to live for.